


The Pieces That Fall to Earth

by Itsallfine



Series: The Pieces that Fall to Earth [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Epistolary, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Parentlock, Past Abuse, Questioning Sexuality, Season/Series 04, Series 4 Fix-It, Slow Burn, Therapy, individual chapters will be marked for:, lots of talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:16:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 84
Words: 49,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9566708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itsallfine/pseuds/Itsallfine
Summary: John and Sherlock have hit rock bottom, but with all their armor stripped away, they can finally speak honestly, seek healing, and find the truths that matter most.An epistolary post-s4 fix-it fic. Now complete.(This fic is rated T except for one very clearly marked and easily skippable chapter, which is rated M.)





	1. Text thread with Sherlock on January 15th

**Author's Note:**

  * For [darcylindbergh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darcylindbergh/gifts), [huddersandhiddles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/huddersandhiddles/gifts).
  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [The Pieces That Fall to Earth - Português Brasileiro](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10401540) by [AnandaFr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnandaFr/pseuds/AnandaFr)
  * Translation into Русский available: [The Pieces That Fall to Earth / Обломки, падающие на Землю](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10439169) by [redheart_wr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redheart_wr/pseuds/redheart_wr)
  * Translation into 中文 available: [[授权翻译] The Pieces That Fall to Earth/尘埃落定](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10499841) by [HEALme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEALme/pseuds/HEALme), [likeforyoutobestill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeforyoutobestill/pseuds/likeforyoutobestill)



> This fic pretends that John’s therapist was just a therapist, he was never shot, and the events of TFP never happened. We pick up after The Hug Scene and get on with our lives. TST and TLD are taken mostly at face value, even though that’s not how I actually read the show. A few important notes about this fic: 
> 
> I’m assuming Sherlock’s birthday is January 6th as it is in canon and that Mary was around 8 months pregnant at the end of series 3, which would place Rosie’s birthday at the end of January/beginning of February. The rest of the timeline for S4 is so goddamn fucky that I’m just making it up based on vague notions of Rosie's age and the seasons passing. So, I hereby arbitrarily decree that Mary died in July of 2016 and TLD ended on Sherlock’s canonical birthday, January 6th. So, as of this point in time Mary has been dead for roughly 6-7 months. I make no claims about the validity of this information.
> 
> EDIT: Uh, about the timing. Everything is off by a year, and I didn't notice until I was most of the way through the fic. So. Mary died in 2015 and this fic takes place in early 2016. Oh well! My b.
> 
> Any time you see (...), that’s the little ellipsis that pops up when the person you’re texting with is typing. When I use it in this story, it represents those nerve-wracking moments when the person you’re texting with starts typing, then stops and doesn’t say anything, so the ellipsis pops up, then disappears with no new message to follow. _I hate that._
> 
> Gifted to Darcy & Leslie, two friends I so appreciate, in honor of their beautiful epistolary fic [between each beat are words unsaid](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4794824/chapters/10973324). Grateful hugs to my super fast beta and friend, [ladymacphisto](http://ladymacphisto.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Title is taken from [this poem](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/detail/40725) by Kay Ryan.

 

 ** _sent_** / 19:47    **  
** I see you changed your name in my phone. Ha bloody ha.

 **Sherlock is a genius** / 19:48  
I strive for accuracy in all things.

 **Sherlock is a genius** / 19:48  
I changed the photo too, in case it escaped your breathtaking powers of observation.

 ** _sent_** / 19:49     **  
** I liked that photo, berk. You really do hate that hat, don’t you?

 ** _sent_** / 19:49  
And I’m making a slight alteration to your name. For the sake of accuracy.

 ** _sent_** / 19:50      
Did you get my letter?

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 19:55  
Yes.

 **_sent_ ** / 19:55 **  
** Have you read it yet?

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 19:56 **  
** Not yet.

 ** _sent_**  / 19:57 **  
** I know it’s weird, me writing to you like this, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d read it.

 **_sent_ ** / 19:57 **  
** It’s been two days. Why haven’t you?

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:00    
(...)

 ** _sent_** / 20:02 **  
** What is it, Sherlock? You can say.

 **_sent_ ** / 20:03   
If you don’t want to read it for some reason it’s

 **_typing..._ **  
_No actually I think you need to read what I have to say, please, there’s so much we need to_

 **_sent_ ** / 20:03  
It’s fine.

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:04  
It’s not that.

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:04 **  
** (...)

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:05 **  
** (...)

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:07  
The last letter I got from you...

 ** _sent_** / 20:07 **  
** Oh god.

 **_sent_ ** / 20:07  
No, it’s nothing like that, I swear

 ** _sent_** / 20:08 **  
** I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think of that

 **_sent_ ** / 20:10  
We'll just add that godforsaken letter to the list of things I have to apologize for

 ** _sent_** / 20:10 **  
** It’s a long list

 **_sent_ ** / 20:12  
...Sherlock?

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:12  
Reading now.

 **_sent_ ** / 20:12  
Oh. Okay, sorry. I’ll leave you alone.

 **_sent_ ** / 20:13  
When you finish just

 **_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _Will you pleas_

 **_sent_ ** / 20:14  
Never mind

 **_sent_ ** / 20:14  
Good night, Sherlock

 **_sent_ ** / 20:15  
See you tomorrow

 **Sherlock is an idiot** / 20:27 **  
** (...)

 

 


	2. John’s letter, written on January 13th

[written on letterhead from John’s most recent clinic, where he no longer works. the clinic’s info has been scribbled out.]

 

 

 

 ~~ **Forest Medical Centre**~~  
~~65 Forest Lane, London, E15 1RW  |  020 7946 0776  |  information@forestmedical.co.uk~~

 

Sherlock,

I know you don’t think much of my skills as a writer but for better or worse, it’s much easier for me to get my thoughts out on a page or a screen than to speak them out loud. I hope you can tolerate my writing long enough to hear what I have to say. So to speak.

It seems like after our conversation on your birthday we should really be better at this. That talk was more than we’ve ever had, but even still, we mostly talked around things rather than about them. There’s so much… _so much_ I need to say, so much I’ve never said. And even now, just writing this out is so difficult. I feel like if I were to try to say this to your face I’d just end up having another wobbly, and while that has a certain amount of appeal, I’d rather not ruin all your nice shirts.

So. I’m rambling to avoid actually getting to the point, I know. It’s hard to know where to start.

Before anything else, I have to say again that I don’t blame you for Mary’s death. I’m so sorry I ever said that. I was just… I hate myself for not being who she thought I was, and I feel guilty for so much. SO much, Sherlock, and I can only tell you a portion of it right now, and I’ll tell you all of it eventually, but trust me. I know it’s a bit ridiculous, considering she was a liar and an assassin who shot you, but I guess this stuff isn’t always logical. The things she said right at the end really messed me up. All that, you’re perfect, you’re all I wanted… it’s hard to even think about, because she was never really what I wanted. It made things so much worse, and I just lashed out. I tend to do that a lot. I’m sorry. Again. It’s not enough, but I’m so very sorry, Sherlock.

The whole thing with the woman on the bus I told you about was just one more symptom of how completely and utterly fucked everything was. If I’m honest, I never should have gone back to Mary after she shot you. I didn’t want to. I only did because you said I should.

If I’m really honest, I was miserable within a month of marrying her.

If I’m really, really honest, I never should have married her in the first place.

I always knew in the back of my head that I didn’t really love her enough. She was fine, at first. It was comfortable. It was what I thought I was supposed to want, and it wasn’t anything special, but it was… fine. She met me when I was still a complete mess, a walking shell of a person. I know we don’t talk about that time when you were gone, but I just had no idea who I was without you. I felt like I’d had limbs amputated and my brain couldn’t process the new shape of my body. Maybe that’s too much. I’m saying too much right now. This is a whole other topic. But the point is, I married her for all the wrong reasons, then was horribly unhappy and bitter that I couldn’t have the things I really wanted, that I was trapped in a life I didn’t want, not really, but one that I chose and vowed to keep anyway.

And I’ve started rambling again. I wasn’t even intending to get into that whole thing yet, but you pull one thread and it all starts unraveling at once. It’s such a tangled mess.

None of this excuses anything I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot. I have a lot of things to say to you, or write to you. I just need to know that you’re open to hearing them.

There are so many horrible… truly ugly things inside of me. I’m trying to process it all. But after…

After the other day, I feel like maybe I can tell you everything.

Maybe we can finally be honest with each other.

I have a lot of apologies to give you. I hope you’re willing to hear them.

Are you?

— John

 

 


	3. John’s budget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: mild alcohol references, very brief suicide mention (not J or S)

 

[handwritten in the back of an old case notebook, written in blue pen originally with added corrections in black pen]

 

 **Income**  
Army pension: 7,511/year, 626/mo  
~~M’s life insurance: 1,667/mo for 10 yrs~~     _it wasn’t a goddamn suicide you bloody fucking arseholes it was murder she was killed she_  
~~M’s NHS pension: 54,000~~   _fake person, fake pension, fucking wonderful_  
~~GP work: 75,000/year ft (3,750/mo after tax), 35,000/year pt (1,750/mo a/t)~~   

~~Total w/ pt work: 4,043/mo + pension in savings  
Total w/ ft work: 6,043/mo + pension in savings ~~

Total: 626/mo  
Total w/ pt work: 2376  
~~~~~~Total w/ ft work: don’t kid yourself~~

**Expenses**   
Rent: 1,800/mo  
Utilities: 224/mo  
Grocery + baby: ~400/mo  
Transport: 200/mo  
Mobile: 40/mo  
Spending money: 100/mo  
Things I’m probably forgetting: 150/mo  
Daycare (if working): 120 week/480 mo part time / 225 week/900 mo ft    
_can’t keep using friends, they were her friends, they hate me and it’s completely fucking mutual_  
~~~~

~~Whiskey:~~  
  
Total: too much no matter what

 

_there’s no way this can work unless you can get your shit together you absolute useless fucking piece of—_

 

[the final words are illegible, smeared by a splash of thin brown liquid]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to the folks who left replies in [this thread](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/156775688263/librarylock-librarylock-oneredbuttonhole) in response to my plea for cost of living info. I took plenty of liberties, but I wanted to at least be in the ballpark.


	4. Text thread with John on January 16th

 

**_sent_ ** / 9:16 AM   
I wrote you back

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:32 AM   
Oh, great. You’ll give it to me when Rosie and I come over later?

**_typing..._** **  
**_I didn’t think about actually having to look you in the eye whil_

**_sent_ ** / 9:34 AM  **  
** I’m going to put it in the pocket of your coat while you’re here. You can open it when you get home. 

**_sent_ ** / 9:34 AM   
How is Watson?

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:36 AM   
She’s mastered the word ‘no’ since we saw you yesterday

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:36 AM    
You can guess how much fun that’s been, and I blame you entirely

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:38 AM    
She gets excited whenever she hears the front door open, but she’s pretty shy around Mike and the neighbors and anyone else that stops by. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:39 AM    
I think maybe she’s looking for you.

**_typing..._** **  
**_I’ve been there every day for the last week. It’s probably ju_

 ** _typing..._** **  
**_I hope she is, bec_

 ** _typing..._** **  
**_Are you okay with th_

 ** _typing..._** **  
**_She wouldn’t have to look for me if you would jus_

**_sent_ ** / 9:45 AM   
I bought a few things for 221B to make her visits here less dull

**_typing..._** **  
**_And safer because if this is goin_

 ** _typing..._** **  
**_I hope you don’t think it’s too_

**_sent_ ** / 9:46 AM   
Are you still planning to come for lunch?

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:49 AM    
That was the plan, but we got ready with a surprising lack of fuss this morning

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:49 AM    
We can come a bit earlier, if you want

**_sent_ ** / 9:51 AM   
Yes

**_typing..._** **  
**_The sooner the be_

**_sent_ ** / 9:51 AM   
You’re both always welcome anytime.

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:54 AM   
We’ll leave soon then, maybe 10:30. 

**_typing..._** **  
**_I can’t wait_

**_sent_ ** / 9:56 AM   
Looking forward to it.

**_sent_ ** / 9:57 AM   
I was hoping to work with Watson to determine her favorite color today, so the extra time will be appreciated.

**John Hamish Watson** / 9:59 AM   
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:01 AM   
That sounds like fun. Any plans for us grownups?

**_typing..._** **  
**_As long as you’re here it doesn_

 ** _typing..._** **  
**_Let’s sit together on the couch and put on a film and_

**_sent_ **  / 10:05 AM   
I think the last Top Gear episode of the series just came out. I suppose I could suffer through it for your sake. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:07 AM   
What a selfless hero you are

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:08 AM   
I’ve got Rosie’s bag all packed, so I guess we’ll go ahead and leave now, if that’s alright

**_typing..._** **  
**_Stop asking if it’s okay when I’ve said_

**_sent_ **  / 10:08 AM   
You never need to ask permission, John. Just show up. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:09 AM   
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:10 AM   
On our way, then. See you soon. 

**_sent_ **  / 10:10 AM   
See you soon.

 

 


	5. Sherlock's shopping list and notes

 

[scribbled on the back of old notes from an experiment on brands of nail varnish]

 

Extra nappies _(so he can stay later)  
_ Wipes  
The cream you can’t get from Boots  
Electrical outlet blocker things  
~~Bumpers for coffee table~~  
New coffee table  
Jars of infant food _(Watson prefers peas like her father)  
\---- NOTE: Inquire about installing additional refrigerator in 221C for experiments  
_ Child locks for cabinets and drawers  
Safety gate for stairs  
Child-size spoons, to be kept in a sterile location  
Spare sippy cup _(for when she channels her father’s temper and throws hers on the floor)  
_ Travel cot  
Fireguard for the fireplace  
Blanket  
Towel  
Educational toys and books  
_\---- Developmentally-appropriate toys include: blocks, sensory boards, toys with interactive pieces, shape boxes, sorting toys, large wood puzzles_  
 _\---- Avoid toys that make sound for the mental well-being of JHW_  
 _\---- See if they have a stuffed bee like I had?_  
John’s favorite tea  
Milk  


TO DO:  
Move all chemicals and sharp objects to higher shelves or inside locked cabinets  
Completely sterilize refrigerator  
Replace batteries in all smoke and carbon monoxide detectors _(and don’t remove them again)  
_ Wash and replace sheets in JHW’s room  
 _(buy him spare pyjamas?)_


	6. Sherlock’s letter, written on January 15th

 

[delivered into John’s coat pocket on January 16th, sealed in a heavy paperweight envelope]

 

John,

I was only teasing, all those times I mocked your writing. Mostly. I apologize. I do respect you as a writer, and I want your words in whatever way you want to give them to me. Your silence is far, far worse ~~than any grammatical pain you could inflict.~~

Sorry, I didn’t mean that last bit. Habit. Trying.

I know you say Mary’s death wasn’t my fault, but I still feel responsible. If I hadn’t done what I always do, if I hadn’t been so arrogant, Rosie would still have her mother. That said, I’ve accepted that for whatever reason, you have chosen to forgive me, and if you and I are ever going to be fully okay ever again then we need to learn to both give and receive forgiveness.

So, thank you, John for your forgiveness. I will endeavour to remain worthy of it.

Seems I learned something from Ella after all.

You and Watson are coming to 221B tomorrow for the first time in five days. I always go over to your flat when Watson will be around, which is most of the time, and you usually only come over here when you have a minder for her, so this is a rare opportunity. I assume this is because you believe 221B is unsafe for a child. I’ve taken steps to ensure this is no longer the case. She will always be safe here. I hope you like the things I bought her, but I can never tell when I’m overstepping. Am I allowed to buy her things? Am I allowed to hold her? To talk to her and play her music and teach her things? Am I allowed to be the one to go to her when she cries in the middle of her nap? I don't know how this is supposed to work.

Somehow this turned into a letter about Watson instead of about you and I. She has a way of taking up a lot of space for such a little person.

I’m sorry you were so unhappy with Mary, and I’m doubly sorry if you feel that I pushed you into going back to her. I truly thought you wanted that life with her, though I’ll admit that my judgment was clouded for reasons I will explain. Eventually.

Yes. Yes, I want to be more honest. Yes, I have things to tell you. Things I’ve never said. I don’t think you truly want to hear them, but if you insist on total honesty then I will oblige. I promised myself I would never lie to you again.

So, here’s my first offering of honesty:

I am terrified, John.

I’m terrified that, once all our truths are out on the page, you won’t want me in your life anymore.

I wouldn’t blame you.

  
Yours,   
Sherlock Holmes

 

 


	7. Discarded letter, written on January 16th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for alcohol.

[the paper is crumpled and stained with two watery liquids, one clear, one brown]

 

I am a fucking terrible person because part of me is glad she’s gone glad I’m free I never wanted any of this bullshit and I wanted out get me out please get me out GET ME OUT it’s horrible that Rosie doesn’t have a mother but if I could bring her back right now I don’t think I’d do it because I’m shit I’m utter shit I am the worst piece of shit to ever walk this earth I’m

He’s so good with her and when I watch them together my chest feels like it could crack open and spill out all the things I

 

He’s so beautiful,

  
I can’t


	8. Ella’s notes on John Watson, January 17th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Implied alcohol abuse, Implied suicidal ideation, implied past abuse, general mental health stuff. Formatting looks terrible on mobile for this chapter—sorry! You can view this chapter as two large images [here](http://i.imgur.com/MFVRb3S.gif) and [here](http://i.imgur.com/eD9bcws.gif).
> 
> I am not a mental health professional and my only experience with such things is from the patient side. The form below was recreated from several similar forms found on the internet. If you are a mental health professional, please feel free to provide corrections in the comments.

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson                                                                                                                                                Date:   17/1/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976                                                                                                                                              Appointment Time:    9:00 AM  
Record Number:  084652JHW  

 

Session Format : Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment  :  Suicidal [X]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview  : None [  ]   Ideation, but no plan [X]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : John’s reported suicidal ideation has diminished over the course of our last few sessions, but is still occasionally present to a lesser degree. Support from his best friend and improved outlook toward his daughter appear to be aiding his recovery.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance  : Dress and personal hygiene are meticulous despite visible exhaustion.  
Mood  : Anxious [  ]   Depressed [X]   Angry [X]   Sad [  ]   Euphoric [  ]   Contemplative [X]   Other [  ]:  
Attention  : Appropriate [  ]   Distracted [  ]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [X]   Other [  ]:  
Speech  : Appropriate [  ]   Minimal [  ]   Rambling [  ]   Frantic [  ]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [X]   Other [  ]:  
Affect  : Appropriate [  ]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [  ]   Volatile [X]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [  ]   Subdued [  ]   Other [  ]:

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
**Hallucinations [  ]   Delusions [  ]   Sleep Problems [X]   Appetite Problems [  ]   Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]  
Detail/Action Taken  : John continues to report a lack of hallucinations of his deceased wife since earlier this month. Drinking continues to be a point of concern, especially considering family history, and John has committed to keeping a log of his drinking between today and our next appointment.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** John has historically been quite reluctant to open up during our sessions, but this session, as with the past two, was considerably more productive. As soon as I prompted him to describe how he was feeling, he revealed that he’d gotten drunk the night before and broke down over his conflicted feelings regarding his deceased wife. He continues to struggle with deep feelings of self-loathing and guilt, though today he was able to put a finer point on those feelings: He feels that he is not sad enough over her death and judges himself harshly for, on some level, being glad she is gone. The feelings are intensified by his continued fixation on her dying words (as described in session notes from 12/1/2017) and the associated guilt, especially regarding his emotional affair(s?).

Her death and her presence in his life had become quite entangled in his mind. When I suggested that it was possible to not want her dead, but also to not want her in his life, John was visibly startled. I also suggested that perhaps he had already processed a good deal of his grief over losing her and what she represented when she ██████████████  _[redacted per MH]_ last fall, and again when she disappeared for two months soon after their daughter was born. John admitted there was little relationship left at that point, and he had in fact been wishing for divorce almost the entire time they were married, staying only out of obligation to his daughter. His primary source of recent pain seems to have been guilt over all these factors, rather than actual grief over her death.

By the end of this discussion, John had become more subdued and contemplative, and admitted some feeling of relief. He believes he had, in fact, already resigned himself to losing her in one way or another, though the violent circumstances were sudden and traumatic.

We ended our hour by following up on last session’s discussion about physical violence and anger management. John agreed that he would feel safer and more comfortable around his best friend if he were to complete the course and requested a referral for the first possible opening. We were able to secure him a spot in a 12-hour class beginning this Friday. John hesitantly offered that he has suspicions about the source of his violent tendencies toward his best friend, but we unfortunately did not have time to have a complete discussion this session. We will begin our next session by discussing his father’s abusive behavior and exploring this topic further.

I have assigned some exercises in self-compassion and forgiveness in addition to logging his alcohol intake. While John has several other issues to work through, if he can complete this anger management course and forgive himself for not missing his wife, he will be well on the road to recovery. He appears serious and thoroughly committed to treatment for the first time in our long association. Prognosis is good.  
  
  
  
  
**Next Appointment:** 19/1/2017

 

 


	9. Text thread with Sherlock on January 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a two-chapter day (one in the morning and one in the evening), so check your update emails carefully if you're subscribed, and check back later if not!

 

 ** _sent_** / 10:52    **  
**I thought you weren’t taking any cases while we recover

 ** _sent_** / 10:52     
While you recover

 **Sherlock is a genius** / 11:48  
(...)

 **Sherlock is a genius** / 11:48  
How did you find out?

 ** _sent_** / 11:49    **  
**Damn you, when did you change your name back in my phone?

 ** _sent_** / 11:49    **  
**Molly texted me after I got out of my appointment with Ella.

 ** _sent_** / 11:50    **  
**She went to your place to bring you some kidneys and check up on you, but you were gone

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:50  
I’m back now, for a little while. 

**Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:50  
But how did you know it was for a case? 

**Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:51  
I could have popped down to the shops.

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Because I know you better than I’ve ev _

**_sent_** / 11:52    **  
**Answer the bloody question, Sherlock

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:52  
I’m sorry. I couldn’t say no to this one. It was a 9, a locked room

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:53  
(...)

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:54 **  
**That’s a lie. Sorry. We’re trying to be more honest.

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:54 **  
**The client was a man who was wounded in Afghanistan.

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:55 **  
**He didn’t want to go to the police because he was afraid everything was in his head

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:55 **  
**Most of it was not. He’s being stalked.

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:55 **  
**I couldn’t turn him away. It's maybe a 5 at best.

 ** _sent_** / 19:56   **  
**Oh.

 ** _sent_** / 11:56   **  
**Do you want help?

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:56 **  
**(...)

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:57 **  
**I always want your help.

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:57 **  
**Mrs. Hudson could look after Watson for a bit

 ** _sent_** / 11:58 **  
**I hate to ask her so often

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:58 **  
**I have it on good authority she’ll say yes

 ** _sent_** / 11:59 **  
**She’s standing right there, isn’t she?

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 11:59 **  
**Perhaps.

 ** _sent_** / 12:02 **  
**Fine. I’m almost done writing you another letter. I’ll finish that, get Rosie ready, and pick up some lunch on the way over

 ** _sent_** / 12:03   
Then you can fill me in on the case. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ We can’t wait to see y _

**_typing..._ **   
_ Rosie is excited to _

**_typing..._ **   
_ Working a case with you again wil _

**_sent_** / 12:05   
Do you want sushi or curry? 

**Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 12:06 **  
**Crispy salmon rolls, edamame, that fried tofu you like, and the mushroom things

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 12:06 **  
**Please.

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 12:07 **  
**Let me know when you’re close, I’ll put on the kettle.

 ** _sent_** / 12:08   
You mean you’ll have Mrs. H put on the kettle

 **Sherlock is a goddamn menace** / 12:09 **  
**I am perfectly capable of preparing tea.

 ** _sent_** / 12:09  
Capable, yes. Willing? Never. 

**_sent_** / 12:09   
Stop distracting me now so I can finish this letter and be on my way

 ** _sent_** / 12:10  
The sooner I’m done, the sooner I’ll be there with you

 ** _sent_** / 12:08   
With food*

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ God damnit _

 

 


	10. Text thread with Molly on January 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of two chapters posted today. Make sure you didn't miss chapter 9!

 

 ** _sent_** / 12:15 PM  
I heard you came by while I was out

 ** _sent_** / 12:15 PM  
Sorry 

**Molly Hooper** / 12:21 PM  
It’s fine, you just worried us a bit. 

**Molly Hooper** / 12:21 PM  
Mrs. Hudson let me in and said you had a new refrigerator in the basement for things. I put them in there. 

**Molly Hooper** / 12:22 PM  
I think it’s really sweet how you’ve baby proofed the flat for Rosie.

 ** _sent_** / 12:27 PM   
I want her to be safe and at home here

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:29 PM  
And John too, you mean

 ** _sent_** / 12:29 PM   
Of course

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:30 PM  
Have you asked him to move back in yet?

**_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _ It’s none of your b _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ No, and I don’t think he _

**_sent_** / 12:35 PM   
I want to, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:37 PM  
Why not? You two are happier when you’re living in each other’s pockets

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
John and I are finally...talking about everything. 

**_sent_** / 12:41 PM  
Slowly.

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
And I think when we’re done he won’t want to live with me anymore

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:42 PM  
And why is that?

**_typing..._ **   
_ Because I _

**_sent_** / 12:45 PM   
How could he ever want to live with the person who caused his wife’s death?

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:46 PM  
Wrong. Try again. 

**Molly Hooper** / 12:46 PM  
I know you, Sherlock.

**_typing..._ **   
_ You _

**_sent_** / 12:50 PM   
You do, don’t you?

 ** _sent_** / 12:50 PM  
Then you already know why.

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:52 PM  
I do. But I think you could do with a bit of practice saying it. 

**_sent_** / 12:52 PM   
Must I?

 **Molly Hooper** / 12:53 PM  
No. I won’t force you. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ Molly, the reason I could never return your f _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I am a hom _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I have always preferr _

**_sent_** / 12:59 PM   
Why is this so hard? 

**_sent_** / 12:59 PM  
It’s not a secret

 ** _sent_** / 12:59 PM  
I’ve never hidden it

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:00 PM  
It’s okay, Sherlock. It’s hard because you’re thinking about John. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:00 PM  
But right now it’s just me, and I already know. You’re just typing out the words. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ I’m _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I _

**_sent_** / 1:10 PM   
I’m gay

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:10 PM  
Thank you for trusting me, and for finally telling me with words instead of just implying.

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:11 PM  
But you know John wouldn’t care about that. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:11 PM  
What about the other part?

 ** _sent_** / 1:13 PM   
The other part… I’d rather not say. Yet.

 ** _sent_** / 1:13 PM   
I’ve never said. To anyone.

 ** _sent_** / 1:13 PM   
But you know it anyway, don’t you

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:14 PM  
I do.

 ** _sent_** / 1:13 PM   
How?

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:15 PM  
I was infatuated with you for a long time, Sherlock, but I wasn’t delusional. It was obvious to all of us. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:15 PM  
Not to John, because he IS delusional. But to everyone else, yeah. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:16 PM  
Watching you at his wedding was horrible.

 ** _sent_** / 1:17 PM   
Yes. It was. 

**_sent_** / 1:17 PM   
It’s embarrassing to know I’ve been so transparent to everyone around me 

**_sent_** / 1:17 PM   
It’s a feeling I’m completely unaccustomed to, but I’ve been judged for far worse things in my life, I suppose

 ** _sent_** / 1:18 PM   
For what it’s worth, Molly, I’m sorry that I could never

 ** _sent_** / 1:18 PM   
For how I’ve treated you in the past.

 ** _sent_** / 1:19 PM   
You’re a good person. You deserve someone good. 

**_sent_** / 1:19 PM   
Like the DI. Bit of an idiot, but you are compatible in a number of ways. 

**_sent_** / 1:20 PM  
You both keep strange hours, you are both practical about death and the macabre, your jobs allow you to understand one another, you both enjoy terrible reality programmes, and he is not opposed to cats.

 ** _sent_** / 1:20 PM   
But best of all, he is actually attracted to women (mostly), and to you specifically.

 ** _sent_** / 1:21 PM   
I recommend wearing a low-cut shirt and asking him to dinner. He is self-conscious about the age difference and won’t make the first move, which is ridiculous because who cares about that sort of thing at our age?

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:22 PM  
I’ll think about it.

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:22 PM  
And thank you.

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:22 PM  
Not for blatantly changing the subject and trying to set me up with Greg, but for being honest, and for your apology. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:23 PM  
I’m always here for you. We’re friends, and I’m glad of it. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:23 PM  
You matter, Sherlock. Outside of John, outside of being a genius and a detective. Just because you’re you. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:23 PM  
So you need to learn to take better care of yourself, okay?

 ** _sent_** / 1:25 PM   
John just arrived downstairs

 ** _sent_** / 1:26 PM  
Thank you for…

 ** _sent_** / 1:26 PM   
Understanding?

 **Molly Hooper** / 1:26 PM  
Of course. 

**Molly Hooper** / 1:27 PM  
Have fun with John today ;)

**_typing..._ **   
_ Always. Everything is better wh _

**_sent_** / 1:27 PM   
Never use punctuation faces ever again.

 

 


	11. John’s letter, written on January 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor warning for violence relating to the morgue scene in TLD, dealt with in a healthy way.

[written on plain notebook paper, sealed in an envelope with ‘Sherlock’ written in blue ink on the front. left on the mantel under the skull at 221B on January 17th]

  
  


Sherlock,

Thank you for writing me back, and for doing more than just humoring me. I really appreciate… everything. Your forgiveness, your acceptance of mine. Your honesty. 

I’m terrified too. Really. But please don’t think for one second that there’s anything you could possibly say that would make me not want to be in your life. I’m sorry I deserted you after Mary died, and I swear I won’t do it again. I think it’s safe to say we need each other around, yeah? No one else really understands us.   

Besides, Rosie needs to be surrounded by as many people who love her as possible. She needs you. 

The way Rosie perked up when she heard your voice at the top of the stairs yesterday was adorable. She really looks forward to seeing you. And it’s no wonder, with the attention you give her. Before too long I’m sure she’ll be running experiments of her own and blowing up both our flats. You’re a wonderful godfather. Even though you tweeted through the entire ceremony, I know you take your commitment to her seriously, and I appreciate it more than you know. The stuff you bought for her, the way you’ve set up 221B… it’s good. She’ll be safe and happy when she visits. To answer your questions in your last letter: Yes, Sherlock, you’re allowed. All of it. You’re allowed to care for her however you wish. I will welcome it, and so will she.

And yes, agreed, apparently it’s far too easy to talk about Rosie at length instead of talking about our own issues. Case in point.

I’m going to anger management classes, starting Friday. A 12-hour course over three days. I’ve talked things over with Ella and we both agree this is something I need to do. I have a lot of issues right now. I’m a mess. I know I’m drinking too much. But even with all that, it’s the violence that terrifies me the most. 

I hurt you, Sherlock. I really hurt you badly. You were high, and you were dying, and I beat you. I meant to just slap you once to bring you back to your senses, then restrain you so you couldn’t hurt yourself or anyone else, but I completely snapped. Something in me broke, and I hit you and hit you and kicked you while you were down and I’ve done a lot of awful things in my life, but that was absolutely the worst. The worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, Sherlock, and not a second goes by that I don’t wish I could take it back. 

I know I can’t, though, so I’m doing the next best thing: making sure it will never happen again. This isn’t even the first time I’ve hurt you like this, but it will be the last, and I swear that on my life. I will never lay a hand on you in anger again. There are reasons that my violent side tends to come out toward you, or around you, or at things that relate to you. I’m going to work through those things with Ella. And I’ll tell you about them sometime. But please know that it’s not anything you’re doing, and YOU are never the problem. It’s me, and it’s my past, and it’s all my jumbled up mess and I promise I will do better. 

You’ve been generous with your forgiveness, Sherlock, but this is one bit of forgiveness I really feel the need to earn. So please, do me a favor? Don’t forgive me for this yet. Wait until I’ve gone through my course. I’m serious about getting better this time. My twice-per-week appointments are really helping. Apparently therapy actually works when you… you know,  _ talk about things _ . 

When I feel like I’ve made enough progress, I will ask for your forgiveness. But not until then, okay? 

That was a lot. I guess that’s enough for one letter.

Now it’s time to join you for a case. Our first since Culverton Smith.

I’m looking forward to running the streets of London with you again. 

  
— John

 

 


	12. Text thread with John, January 17th & 18th

[January 17th]

 

 **John Hamish Watson** / 6:14 PM  
Did Irene Adler just text you?

 ** _sent_** / 6:17 PM  
Honestly John, we’re at a crime scene, FOCUS

 **John Hamish Watson** / 6:17 PM  
Well, put your bloody phone on silent then!

 **John Hamish Watson** / 6:17 PM  
Bit awkward when it goes off in public, isn’t it?

 **John Hamish Watson** / 6:17 PM  
Shouldn’t you change that rude text alert?

 ** _sent_** / 6:18 PM  
JOHN. CRIME SCENE.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 6:18 PM  
(...)

  
  


**John Hamish Watson** / 8:35 PM  
Coming round the corner now

 ** _sent_** / 8:39 PM  
Wait there for exactly two minutes, then go through the back

 **John Hamish Watson** / 8:39 PM  
How did a simple stalking case turn into all this?

 ** _sent_** / 8:40 PM  
It’s an 8 now, John, much more exciting

  
  


**John Hamish Watson** / 8:55 PM  
Go on to the next one without me, I need to go pick up Rosie and take her home

 ** _sent_** / 8:56 PM  
Mrs. Hudson says she’s fine with Watson until midnight and we’ll be done by then, we need to watch this shop

 ** _sent_** / 8:56 PM  
Meet me in the alley next door

 **John Hamish Watson** / 8:57 PM  
I’ll be too tired to drive home if I wait until midnight, I barely slept last night. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 8:57 PM  
I have to go

 ** _sent_** / 8:57 PM  
Just stay the night, John. Your bed is made up and Rosie has the travel cot.

 ** _sent_** / 8:57 PM  
It won’t kill you to spend one night at 221B

 **John Hamish Watson** / 8:58 PM  
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 8:59 PM  
Fine

  
  


**John Hamish Watson** / 11:57 PM  
She's been chatty today. Another text??

 ** _sent_** / 11:57 PM  
GO TO SLEEP, JOHN.

  
  


[January 18th]

 

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:04 AM  
Rosie and I made it home.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:08 AM  
It was great being on a case with you again. Bloody annoying suspect, but a fun chase.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:08 AM  
Mind if I write this one up for the blog? 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:14 AM  
Thanks for letting us stay the night. Sorry I was a twat about it.

**_typing..._ **   
_ You obviously haven’t read my letter yet or you wo _

**_typing..._ **   
_ You both slept well here last night, much better than usual. I’m glad you cou  _

**_typing..._ **   
_ You are 23% more well rested today than  _

**_sent_** / 10:19 AM  
Post about the case if you must. I imagine your readers will love your military connection to the targets. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:20 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:22 AM  
About Irene Adler. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:22 AM  
I’m glad you’ve been texting her. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:23 AM  
I don’t want to step on your toes if you’ve decided to pursue things with her. It seemed like you might. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:23 AM  
You can always tell me it’s not a good time to come over if you’d like to have her round for a visit

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ That is NEVER going to hap _

_**typing...** ** _  
_**Why do you insist _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I’m  _

**_sent_** / 10:26 AM  
For the love of god, John, read the letter I left in your coat pocket and leave off with this incessant interrogation

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:26 AM  
Sorry, I

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:26 AM  
Sorry

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:27 AM  
I’m surprised you wrote me back so quickly, must have been last night. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:27 AM  
I swear it wasn’t there when I put on my coat, you sneaky bugger

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 AM  
John…

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 AM  
Just read the letter. 

 

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:41 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:43 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:47 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 10:52 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:01 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:13 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:14 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:27 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:29 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:36 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:40 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:41 AM  
(...) 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:02 PM  
(...)

 

 


	13. Letter from Sherlock, written in the early morning of January 18th

 

[Found in John’s coat pocket on January 18th, written on heavy off-white paper and sealed in a stationary envelope embossed with a stylized ‘H’]

 

John,

Pardon the ridiculously overdone stationary. A gift from Mycroft that I never thought to have a use for. Nearly burned it at Christmas.

I hope you will forgive me for not addressing any of the content of your last letter here, but I have a particular matter I absolutely must discuss. I’m sorry I couldn’t simply say this yesterday when that damnable text alert went off again at home, but thankfully we have this new way of communicating that is a bit less immediate. I think it might give me the space to say what I’m trying to say.

Please stop asking me about The Woman. It’s not what you think. It was never what you thought. She is clever and interesting and a challenge and completely uninteresting to me from a romantic standpoint. Please ask yourself why, despite having ample opportunity, I never once had sex with either The Woman or Janine. There is a logical deduction to be made and I fully believe you’re mentally capable of getting there.

No, that’s still talking around it, and we’re trying not to do that.

Fine. I’ll tell you something that not even Mycroft knows. He was too busy climbing the ranks of Her Majesty’s Service and serving abroad to notice at the time and I find his assumptions useful on occasion, so I’ve never corrected him. But it is… relevant.  

I have been romantically entangled once before.

I’ve dated someone.

His name was Victor. We met in uni, at Cambridge. Mycroft had taught me growing up that caring was not an advantage, that I should eschew romantic entanglements altogether, but I was going through a rebellious phase and Victor was… interested. So. We were together for one semester and the following summer. It ended because I am me, and I am abrasive and tactless and cannot keep my mouth shut even when I really, really should, despite disastrous consequences. As we both know too well.

I didn’t acknowledge that part of myself again for a very long time. Repressed is probably a gentle word for it; I forced everything into the darkest basement of my mind palace and locked the door. It didn’t work forever, but long enough for everyone to make their assumptions. Long enough for me to convince myself it didn’t exist and never had.

I hope, in trusting you with this information, you can finally understand why nothing will ever happen with The Woman. I hope you can finally let that go.

Do I have to say it explicitly, in so many words? Is it not obvious from what I’ve said here?

I suppose that is still talking around it. You are going to make me say it plainly.

John, I’m gay. I will never be interested in The Woman because I’m not interested in women. I’ve only dated the one man, but my experience is broader than that might suggest, and I am certain that no woman will ever win my heart. Such as it is. That is why Mycroft and Mrs. Hudson made so many comments at the start of our association. Not because of anything they saw in you, but because they’ve always known my orientation, despite their ignorance of my romantic history. And when you showed up, when you stayed, they... assumed.

I’m sorry for that, by the way.

I’ve never hidden who I am, I’ve never denied it, and I’ve always been comfortable with myself, even when the rest of the world wasn’t. But you never caught on. Possibly because you didn’t want to.

I hope I haven’t made things awkward by revealing this, but your incessant harping over The Woman is tiresome in the extreme and I would like for it to cease immediately.

I should probably stop writing now.

I’m sorry if you didn’t want to know.

— Sherlock

 

 


	14. Unsent texts to Sherlock, January 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a two-chapter day, so check back later for a much longer update!

 

**_typing..._ **   
_ I’m sorry for pushing the issue Sh _

**_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _ Thank you for trusting me enough to tel _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I always wondered. I always wanted to kno _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Does this mean you still feel things that way? _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ You said you didn’t acknowledge it again for a long time, but that implies that you did eventually, so who _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Was it me?  _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I know it’s ridiculous and selfish _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Please say it was me _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I know i’m just an idiot and a failure and i’ve hurt you so much but please say it w _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I said it was all fine, so are you afraid to tell _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ If it helps I th _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I think I might b _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I hate myself so goddamn much _

 

 


	15. E-mail thread with Harry on January 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was a two-chapter day, so make sure you didn't miss this morning's update: Chapter 14.
> 
> Chapter warnings: Past abuse of a minor, homophobia, referenced alcoholism

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                              18 Jan 2017  |  12:47  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk  
Subject: (no subject)

I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

How did you get over all of it?

dad

and being gay

despite all that

 

 

To: john.h.watson@email.co.uk                                            18 Jan 2017  |  13:05  
From: harrywatson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: (no subject)

Why do you think I have a drinking problem?

What’s going on, Johnny? You didn’t call last week.

 

 

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                              18 Jan 2017  |  13:21  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: Re: (no subject)

I’m sorry, I know, things have been…

Can we just talk about this first? and then I’ll tell you everything?

 

 

To: john.h.watson@email.co.uk                                            18 Jan 2017  |  13:49  
From: harrywatson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)

 

I don’t know what there is to talk about. he beat the hell out of us every time we said or did anything even vaguely queer. I had one reaction, you had another. I told him to go fuck himself, and you went all golden boy and joined the army.

You got it worse than I did though. I can admit that now. I think it’s because you were a boy, and it was an offense to his manliness or something, to have a bender for a son. The shit he used to say to you was unreal. way worse than what he said to me.

Remember the time he broke all your queen albums and threw them in the fireplace? never thought a burning record would smell like that

 

 

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                              18 Jan 2017  |  14:24  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)

God, I didn’t realize how much of that I had completely blocked out. He used to lay into me after every single rugby practice. he insisted that I chose rugby over football so I could roll around with shirtless guys after school.

I guess in hindsight maybe he wasn’t completely wrong. but I honestly did prefer rugby ovwr football.

Did you really know about me even back then?? I used to think he was just coming after me to make sure I didn’t get any ideas from you. Now i’m wondering if I was cmpletely obvious to everyone but myself.

Is it possible to know this about yourself, and still not _really_ know?

it’s like i’ve always seen it out of th corner of my eye but never actually looked at t

 

 

To: john.h.watson@email.co.uk                                            18 Jan 2017  |  14:38  
From: harrywatson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Re: Re: (no subject)

Takes one to know one, Johnny. Call it twin intuition or something. Twintuition?

I’m hilarious, how is it possible that i’m single?

I think it was a bit of both with you. I was obvious, which put dad on high alert for any sign of it from you. You were more subtle, but you were definitely a bit too into your evening runs with tyler mackinnon, you know?

And you somehow managed to balance being way into david bowie and freddie mercury without being utterly flaming. I don’t know how you managed to make that look hetero, but you did.

Is this about sherlock, finally?

(and are you drinking right now?)

 

 

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                              18 Jan 2017  |  15:12  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: (no subject)

Of course it’s about sherlock. Everything is about bloody sherlock.

I never should have got married. especally after he came back. but I was so fuckng angry at him for doing that to me, it’s like it undid all the… the PROGRESSI mde before he jumped.

before he left I was… we were so close. we were almost there, you know?

I had stopped dating, and there were so many times I almst just let it happen. but it was so hard. I couldn’t juust go for it. If I made a move myself, that was somehow more gay than just letting it happen?

I know that makes no sense i’m just trying to understand.

I feel so horrible bcause every time someone would suggest Sherlock and I were _together_ , I’d react before I could even think about it. it was like a huge surge of sheer bloody anger that I’m only just now thnkking is probably about dad, not about sherlock or actually being gay or bi or whatever the hell i am. but before he left I gotten to the point where I stopped denying it whenever someone made… assumptions

Does it ever feel like that to you? the dad block thing?

Then he came back an it was horrible. The soddng block was there again and I couldn’t ignore everything like I used too because I made completely idiotic mistake of telling fucking mary the fucking truth soon after we got together. she KNEW, and she teased me about it after he came back, and it just made everthing so much worse. I had to pretend I was over it.

god, I can’t even imagine being over it

and now he told me he’s gay and he had a boyfriend before and

sorry you’re getting way more than you bargained for with this.

But yes it’s about sherlock.

I just need to deal with all this stuff before I can

anything

thanks for listening

 

 

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                              18 Jan 2017  |  19:36  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk  
Subject: sorry

Harry, I’m so sorry for emailing you like that. I just woke up from a nap and I'm sobering up right now. And I’m not touching that shit again. I poured the rest of the bottle out, I put my goal in writing, and I’m going to work on the exercises my therapist gave me as soon as I get in contact with Sherlock. He confided in me and I’ve been out of touch all day and if it were me…

Well. If you have any advice for quitting drinking, I’m all ears.

I’m sorry, I just dumped all my stuff on you and didn’t even ask. I feel like all I do these days is apologize.

How are you doing this week? Did you get that promotion?

I hope you’re well.

 

 

To: john.h.watson@email.co.uk                                            18 Jan 2017  |  19:51  
From: harrywatson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: sorry

Things are okay. I didn’t get the promotion, but they said they’re considering me for a different position instead, which would be better hours. Still no girlfriend, but for the first time in my life I’m kind of enjoying focusing on myself, you know?

But really, i’m doing a lot better these days. Six months sober is a big anniversary. I’m serious about wanting to be able to be there for Rosie. And for you. About the drinking… for me, I had to cut off completely. I couldn’t have just a little. You aren’t as far down the rabbit hole as I was, so I’m hoping that will work for you. I know you can do this, Johnny. Call or text me every day and tell me what you’ve had to drink. In my group we pair up with accountability buddies and it really helps, having someone to report to every day.

I’m glad you came to me with this thing you’re going through though. We queer kids gotta stick together. Our phone calls have been great, but this is the most we’ve actually TALKED about stuff that matters in… years.

Yeah. It’s good.

I think I like this new John Watson. I hope you do, too.

 

 


	16. Unsent texts to John, January 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE. I decided to change some things around that threw off my whole update schedule, so I went ahead and posted another today to get everything back on track. SORRY/NOT SORRY. Tomorrow will be another two-chapter day.

 

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Is this it then?_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Have I frightened you off for good this time?_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _You were jealous, John. You’ve always been jealous._

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I wish you could see it._

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I wish you woul_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I wish_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I wish you were jealous in the way I want you to be_

 

 

_**typing...** **  
** I don't know what to do next _

 

 


	17. Text thread with Sherlock, January 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today will be a two-chapter day! Check back later this afternoon or evening so you don't miss the second update.

 

 ** _sent_** / 20:47    **  
**I couldn’t wait long enough to hand write you a letter, so I sent an e-mail

 ** _sent_** / 20:47     
I hope that’s okay

 ** _sent_** / 20:50     
Please, Sherlock, I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you

 ** _sent_** / 20:51     
I hope I didn’t worry you

 ** _sent_** / 20:56     
It’s all fine, I hope you know that

 ** _sent_** / 20:58     
I’m just going through a lot right now, and

 ** _sent_** / 20:59     
God, Sherlock, I promise, I’m going to tell you everything

 ** _sent_** / 21:00     
Even if it kills me and ruins everything

 ** _sent_** / 21:00     
I just need a little time, that’s all

 ** _sent_** / 21:05     
Please, Sherlock, let me know you’re okay. 

**_sent_** / 21:13     
Say something.

 ** _sent_** / 21:17     
Please.

 

 


	18. John’s email to Sherlock, January 18th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter posted today. Make sure you didn't miss Chapter 17!

 

To: sh@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk                                                                                    18 Jan 2017  |  20:45  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk   
Subject: Please read ASAP

 

Sherlock,

I am so sorry. God, I am SO SORRY I didn’t say something right away when I read your letter. If that had been my letter, I would have been completely panicking, probably at the bottom of a bottle within an hour. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. I hope you know that there is no universe in which this would ever drive me away from you. And if you didn’t already know that, well... I owe you even more apologies. We’ve already established what a shit friend I’ve been to you. This is just further proof.

I’ve given you so much grief about Irene Adler over the years. You were always so dodgy about her, would never give me a straight answer, and I always assumed it was because you had feelings for her but didn’t know how to act on them, or didn’t want anyone to know. I just wanted to support you, if she was what you wanted. Now I know better. I’ll leave it alone. I promise.

But there’s something you said in your letter. “I’m sorry if you didn’t want to know.”

Of _course_ I wanted to know, Sherlock. I want to know everything you’re willing to tell me.

I meant what I said, that first evening at Angelo’s. It’s all fine, Sherlock. It really is.

I wish you’d told me sooner, actually.

I wish I’d asked.

I wish I’d made you feel more comfortable confiding in me.

I wish a lot of things.

...also, this Victor guy sounds like a wanker.

I want to repay your trust in me with confidences of my own, but… there’s something I have to do first. Can you be patient with me for just a little longer?

Some things are difficult when they really shouldn’t be. As you well know, obviously.

Please just let me know you’re okay.

Please.

Text me as soon as you read this.

Unless you’re angry with me, I suppose.

...if angry, text anyway.

Still yours,  
John

 

 


	19. Text thread with John, early morning January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be one more short chapter later today, so check back!

 

 ** _sent_** / 12:36 AM   **  
**Email read.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 AM     
Oh thank god

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 AM     
I’m so sorry

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 AM     
Are you okay?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 AM     
Are we okay?

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ As okay as we can be, I supp _

**_sent_** / 12:40 AM   **  
**Fine.

 ** _sent_** / 12:40 AM   **  
**You’re really going to stop?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:41 AM     
Of course. I’m so sorry for giving you a hard time in the first place. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Yes, well, you are quite a jealous _

**_sent_** / 12:42 AM   **  
**Stop apologizing, it’s annoying.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 AM     
Yes, well, so is that bloody text alert. Would it kill you to change it?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 AM     
Sorry. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 AM     
I’m shit. Sorry. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 AM     
Forget I said that.

**_sent_** / 12:44 AM **  
**If it will make it easier for you to control your jealousy, I’ll change her text alert to the generic one. Happy?

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ That’s not what I meant, I didn’t mean jealousy, I _

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:45 AM     
Yes. Please and thank you. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:45 AM     
Not that you should have to, but apparently I need all the help I can get. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Does that mean you _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ You aren’t denying t _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ In your email you sai _

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:46 AM     
I’m just glad you’re talking to me again. You really scared me for a bit. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ I’m the one who had right to be scar _

**_sent_** / 12:47 AM   **  
**I was only out of touch for a few hours. I could have been working on an experiment.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:47 AM     
Could have been. Maybe.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:48 AM     
I don’t know, maybe I’m projecting. But either way, please don’t regret telling me. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Better you learn now than after you inevitably move back in and _

**_sent_** / 12:50 AM **  
**Yes, lovely, fantastic, let’s move on. Talk about something else.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:50 AM      
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:52 AM     
Okay, fine, I do have something I wanted to ask, actually.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:53 AM      
My anger management class starts tomorrow. Would you like to mind Rosie while I go?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:54 AM      
I’d be gone about 5 hours, 9-2 or so

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:54 AM      
And I can get Mrs. Hudson or maybe Molly or someone else to do it if you can’t, if you’re busy or you want to take a case or something

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:55 AM      
But she really enjoys her time with you, and I know you do too, so

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:50 AM      
I just wanted to ask. Feel free to say no. It really is fine. You can say no if you don’t want to. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ You would leave me alone with her for five hours? You still _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ You really _

**_sent_** / 12:52 AM    **  
**I would love to

 ** _sent_** / 12:52 AM    **  
**If you’re really okay with it

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:53 AM      
Of course I am. You’re her godfather, and the person I trust most in the world.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:53 AM     
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:54 AM      
I have class again on Monday and Wednesday, so if you’re still fine with it after tomorrow you can have her again those days. 

**_sent_** / 12:55 AM    **  
**Yes, John. I’d be happy to.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:55 AM      
Great. Thank you. 

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Thank you for trustin _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Seeing Watson is one of the best parts of my da _

**_sent_** / 12:56 AM    **  
**No thanks necessary.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:57 AM      
Did you get Lestrade’s text about the press conference later today?

**_sent_** / 12:58 AM    **  
**Regrettably, yes.

 ** _sent_** / 12:58 AM    **  
**You do realize this is simply an excuse to parade you around for the media.

 ** _sent_** / 12:58 AM    **  
**A military man solving a case to save his fellow veterans is irresistible.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:59 AM      
It wasn’t me that solved the case. They want the brilliance of Sherlock Holmes, the famously indestructible consulting detective.

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:00 AM      
Do you want to make an appearance?

**_sent_** / 1:01 AM   **  
**Do I ever?

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:02 AM     
It would be good for business, showing people you’re back in the game after the Culverton Smith stuff. 

**_sent_** / 1:04 AM   **  
**We can go. Briefly. If you want to.

 ** _sent_** / 1:04 AM   **  
**But about the work…

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Do we want _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Should we really be _

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ I’m not sure I _

**_sent_** / 1:07 AM   **  
**I’m concerned for Watson

 ** _sent_** / 1:08 AM   **  
**I don’t want to take on anything too dangerous right now

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:08 AM     
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:09 AM     
You mean that?

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ I’ve said too much, she’s not mine, I have no claim on h _

**_sent_** / 1:11 AM   **  
**I was thinking we’d only take 6s or less for a little while

 ** _sent_** / 1:11 AM   **  
**Until we’re all… okay again.

 ** _sent_** / 1:11 AM    **  
**Settled.

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:12 AM    
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:13 AM      
It would be nice to sort of… hunker down and rebuild, just the three of us. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:13 AM      
Focus on our own stuff for a while.

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:14 AM      
Until our bank accounts run dry, at least

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:14 AM      
If you’re really okay with it. 

**_sent_** / 1:15 AM    **  
**I’m fine with it. Truly.

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:16 AM      
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:17 AM      
Okay. I’ll see if Mrs. H can mind Rosie around 15:00 while we duck out to the press conference. We won’t stay long. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:18 AM      
Then how about we get some takeaway and have a night in?

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:18 AM      
After dealing with the press, I’m sure I’ll be ready to shut the rest of the world out.

**_sent_** / 1:19 AM   **  
**But not me?

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ I didn’t mean to actually send th _

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:20 AM      
Never you, Sherlock. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 1:20 AM      
Never again.

 

 


	20. Text thread with The Woman, January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second update for today. Make sure you caught chapter 19!

 

 ** _sent_** / 1:41 AM   **  
**I hope you’re pleased with yourself

 ** _sent_** / 1:42 AM   **  
**Because of your damnable texts, I finally had to tell John exactly why nothing will ever happen between you and I

**The Woman** / 2:10 AM     
Oh, Sherlock, come now

**The Woman** / 2:10 AM     
If you really didn’t want him to know it was me, you would have changed the text alert

**The Woman** / 2:11 AM     
You love how jealous it makes him

**The Woman** / 2:11 AM     
How did your lover boy take the news of your… preferences?

**_sent_** / 2:19 AM   **  
**He’s not my “lover”

 ** _sent_** / 2:19 AM   **  
**And it went as well as could be expected

 ** _sent_** / 2:20 AM   **  
**He panicked, was silent for almost 12 hours, then fell all over himself to apologize for not responding right away

 ** _sent_** / 2:20 AM  
Likely after drinking himself stupid all afternoon

**_typing..._ ** **  
** _ Why did you ever think he _

**_sent_** / 2:22 AM   **  
**He claims to be “figuring some things out”

**The Woman** / 2:25 AM     
Oh, Sherlock, you know exactly what he means. 

**_sent_** / 2:26 AM    
Yes, I do. 

**_sent_ ** / 2:26 AM     
He is a straight man who recently lost his wife. 

**_sent_** / 2:26 AM    
He’s trying to figure out how to be a single father. 

**_sent_ ** / 2:27 AM     
He’s trying to get his life back together and be a better friend. 

**_sent_ ** / 2:27 AM     
For you to suggest otherwise is simply cruel. 

**_sent_ ** / 2:29 AM     
I’d say don’t get my hopes up, but I’m quite sure I don’t have any left. 

**The Woman** / 2:31 AM     
Let’s have dinner.

**_sent_ ** / 2:34 AM     
Have dinner with your wife.

 

 


	21. Excerpts from John’s therapy homework, early morning January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more later today!
> 
> Chapter warnings: Alcoholism

 

[written on a plain sheet of notebook paper]

 

My Alcohol Log 

January 17th \-- None. Was on a case with Sherlock, no time. Considered having a drink to help me sleep when my brain was too loud to let me relax, but I was already upstairs in my room

January 18th \-- Too much. I lost count, but I think I had maybe 6 glasses of scotch in way too short a time. I read Sherlock’s letter and I started to… I needed to calm down, and then I was emailing with my sister and all this old stuff started coming up and…

My goal: I want to quit drinking entirely, at least until I’m well again. My sister the recovering alcoholic says she’s incapable of having just a little. Same genetics. Similar issues. I think it’s best if I don’t drink for a while. I poured out everything in the house, and I’ll continue keeping this log until my next appointment on Tuesday. I need to find other ways to calm down.

 

[stuck on the refrigerator with a heavy glass magnet, along with an appointment card from Ella]

 

 

* * *

 

 

[written on the last two sheets of leftover wedding stationary]

 

Mary,

I have no idea how to start this letter. You’re dead. You’ll never read it. It’s for me, not for you. But I have things I need to say before I can move on.

Seems like I’m always trying to move on and move on and move on. My dad. The war. Sherlock. And now you.

I want so badly for this to be the last moving on I ever do.

I’m sorry I never loved you enough.

I’m not sure that’s true, actually. If I had loved you more, I might never have had the chance to do all the soul searching I’m doing now. I may have lived my entire life never really knowing myself, or living myself authentically. That’s quite terrifying. I may not have loved you as much as you wanted, as much as a husband should love a wife, but I loved you the right amount to eventually be able to let go and get to where I needed to be. I did love you. I did. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I know what I mean, and that’s the important part.

You shot him. You shot him and I could never quite forgive you for that, even when I said I did. You lied. You kept false identities even after you had supposedly retired. You ran away. You were horrible. But I was horrible, too. I ran off with Sherlock constantly. I hardly saw you in the days leading up to Rosie’s birth unless you came to 221b. I cheated. Never physically, but god I wanted to. And not even with the woman on the bus.

If my stag night had gone differently, I never would have married you. And that should tell you everything you need to know.

Ella’s “self-compassion” exercises tell me I should frame these things differently, like I’m talking to a friend I love rather than myself. I’m not horrible, I’ve just been struggling with my identity and my past and my grief over Sherlock’s death and a hundred other things for so long. It’s bound to wear a person down. My mistakes are understandable and forgivable. I am working to get better and I have a lot of progress to be proud of.

It sounds a bit ridiculous right now, but I think it’s one of those things that if you repeat it enough times, it starts to feel true.

Despite everything, Mary, you did give me two things that I will always be grateful for.

You gave me my life. I’m not sure I would have lived long enough for Sherlock to return if you hadn’t been there.

And you gave me Rosie. I will be thankful for that for the rest of my life. I will make sure to give her all the love I was never able to give to you. She’ll grow up surrounded by love. I’ll take care of her and love her and teach her and protect her, and you know what?

I think Sherlock will, too.

He’s a great godfather. Much better than you ever gave him credit for. And if I'm very, very lucky, one day he might be more.

I think that’s it. I’ve said everything. I’m not going to try to force myself to be sad anymore, to try to feel something I don’t feel.

It’s been eight months since you died. I think it’s time for me to let go of grief. Of guilt.

Of you.

 

Goodbye, Mary.

 

[sealed in an envelope marked only with the date, a gold wedding band resting between the folded pages]

 


	22. Text thread with Mycroft on January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second update for today, so make sure you didn't miss Chapter 21! Back to your regularly scheduled one-chapter-per-day updates tomorrow!
> 
> Chapter warnings: Referenced past homophobia

 

 **The Queen** / 8:02 AM  
I see you solved a new case this week. Might I assume you’re feeling ready to return to work, little brother?

 ** _sent_** / 8:09 AM  
Piss off. 

**The Queen** / 8:10 AM  
A new matter came to my attention this morning. It seems to involve an old school mate of yours. 

**_sent_** / 8:12 AM  
Piss.

 ** _sent_** / 8:12 AM  
Off.

 **The Queen** / 8:14 AM  
Mr. Evans claims you two used to be quite close, and that you had a bit of a misunderstanding from your school days he wishes to apologize for. 

**The Queen** / 8:15 AM  
He would consider it a personal favor if you’d take the case.

 **The Queen** / 8:15 AM  
It comes with considerable compensation, of course.

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ No compensation coul _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ You have no _

**_sent_** / 8:18 AM  
A BIT of a “misunderstanding”?

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ He made me think we were friends, then outed me to the whole school. He passed around my chemistry text so everyone could write homophobic slurs in it. He hired a male prostitute to come to my room and called the prefect. He spread rumors that I sucked off my french professor under his desk after _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ He _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ That man _

**_sent_** / 8:26 AM  
I never want to see him again. 

**_sent_** / 8:27 AM  
Make him go away. 

**The Queen** / 8:28 AM  
As you wish, brother mine.

 

 


	23. Ella’s Notes on Sherlock Holmes, January 19th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to single chapters for a while. This is another of those chapters that might look bad on mobile, so desktop viewing is recommended. 
> 
> I've been forgetting to provide individual chapter warnings lately. My apologies. Warnings for this chapter: Suicidal ideation, referenced past abuse, referenced past homophobia, referenced past drug use
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone! Your comments mean so much <3

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  W. Sherlock S. Holmes                                                                                                                            Date:   19/1/2017  
DOB:  6/1/1979                                                                                                                                       Appointment Time:    9:00 AM  
Record Number:  024175WSH  

 

Session Format: Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ] 

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [X]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [  ]   Ideation, but no plan [X]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: Sherlock has made great strides in his lifelong struggle with suicide attempts and ideation. He expresses much healthier attitudes about suicide these days, though he still frames those attitudes around how others will be impacted by his death rather than any great personal value for his own life. He remains preoccupied with the concept, though his healing relationship with his best friend and goddaughter seem to have eliminated any immediate threat. More on this and suggested treatments in the summary of session notes below.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance : Much better than in the recent past. Sherlock is back to his suits and polished style.  
Mood:  Anxious [  ]   Depressed [  ]   Angry [  ]   Sad [X]   Euphoric [  ]   Contemplative [X]   Other [  ]:  
Attention:  Appropriate [  ]   Distracted [X]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Speech:  Appropriate [  ]   Minimal [  ]   Rambling [X]   Frantic [  ]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [X]   Other [  ]:  
Affect:  Appropriate [  ]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [X]   Volatile [  ]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [X]   Subdued [X]   Other [  ]:

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]   Delusions [  ]   Sleep Problems [X]   Appetite Problems [X]   Drug/Alcohol Abuse [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : Sherlock has been sleeping more lately, though it’s due to lingering fatigue from cocaine withdrawal rather than a desire for a more healthy sleep schedule. During detox, his sleep was frequently disturbed by vivid dreams, which have lessened in the past week. He has never eaten with anything that could be considered regularity, but some of the gauntness from his recent self-abuse is beginning to fade. Withdrawal symptoms have been absent for a full week with no relapse. 24 hour monitoring by friends through the worst of the withdrawal was effective.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** As usual, Sherlock spent much of the beginning of our time talking about other people. He spoke at length about his best friend John’s daughter, who he has been spending considerable time with these past few weeks. He appears to be quite the devoted godfather and spent several minutes describing the things he’s bought for her, the things he’s taught her, feeding her, soothing her, and how he feels about her.

Noticeably absent was any mention of John other than via his daughter. Considering he rarely talks about anything _but_ John in his sessions, the absence was somewhat alarming.

He rambled cheerfully for nearly ten minutes before I was finally able able to get a word in. As soon as I asked after John, it was as if he stumbled. His entire manner fell away and became awkward. Then he apologized, which was so out of character for Sherlock I was truly taken aback. He explained that he and John have been exchanging letters and have promised to be more honest with each other, and that he’s been trying to apply that to the rest of his life as well.

I asked him to share with me something he’s been honest about since our last session, and how it felt. He withdrew for a moment, before finally telling me he is gay (“obviously”) and that he’d come out to both his friend Molly and to John in the past week, though he rushed to assure me that he’d never exact been “in”. He has always lived openly despite past experiences with homophobia that have shaped his present day isolation, but had never actually used words to confirm his current friends’ assumptions about his orientation. He reported feeling good about clearing the air with Molly, but his revelation to John was somewhat under duress.

He expressed frustration over living the “tragic stereotype” of the gay man in love with his straight best friend*, which was the first time he’d openly acknowledged his feelings for John to anyone aloud. In telling John, he felt he had released one of his great burdens, despite his fear over John’s reaction. He feels compelled to eventually tell John of his feelings, due to their newfound honesty, though he insists he will be fine if they are not reciprocated* and his primary concern is keeping John and his goddaughter in his life, in whatever way they wish.

This allowed me to gently steer the conversation toward the letters he has been receiving, rather than sending. Sherlock is worryingly unconcerned about John’s past physical violence, seemingly excusing it as something he deserved for being “a difficult person” or for his role in John’s wife’s death. This, combined with Sherlock’s suicidal past and readiness to sacrifice himself for others without hesitation, is my primary concern. Sherlock does not seem to have any concept of his inherent worth, only worth associated with the services he provides to others. When faced with this, Sherlock was puzzled. He is unable to separate himself from his work, viewing himself as a tool with a purpose rather than a person with a life. We concluded our session with a discussion on the differences between self-esteem and self-worth, with emphasis on the fact that having one doesn’t mean you have the other.

Though Sherlock is resistant to anything that might be deemed an “assignment”, we talked at length about self-care, and I suggested an exercise to help him develop a sense of identity beyond his career, intellect, and worth to other people. I hope to continue to work with Sherlock on this issue, as he will need as much internal, self-driven resilience as possible to stay clean and healthy, especially in the case that his revelation to John goes poorly.*

* - _I feel it would be best if I referred either John or Sherlock to another therapist, because hearing both sides of this is trying my professional impartiality. I will bring a list of potential referrals to both Thursday sessions next week._

 

 **Next Appointment:** 26/1/2017

 

 

 


	24. Ella’s Notes on John Watson, January 19th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another of those chapters that might look bad on mobile, so desktop viewing is recommended.
> 
> Chapter warnings: Alcoholism mentions, suicidal ideation mentions, brief mention of past abuse of a minor, internalized homophobia

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson                                                                                                                                       Date:   19/1/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976                                                                                                                                     Appointment Time:   10:00 AM  
Record Number:  084652JHW  

 

Session Format : Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment  :  Suicidal [X]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview  : None [  ]   Ideation, but no plan [X]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : John was more open and hopeful today than I’ve ever seen him. He is still occasionally haunted by dark thoughts, but they seem less and less each day as John addresses each of his trigger areas. No immediate danger.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance  :  Neatly dressed and groomed as always, though tired around the eyes   
Mood  :  Anxious [  ]   Depressed [  ]   Angry [  ]   Sad [  ]   Euphoric [  ]   Contemplative [X]   Other [X]: Relieved   
Attention  :  Appropriate [  ]   Distracted [X]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [X]   Other [  ]:  
Speech  :  Appropriate [X]  Minimal [  ]   Rambling [  ]   Frantic [  ]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [X]   Other [  ]:  
Affect  :  Appropriate [X]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [  ]   Volatile [  ]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [  ]   Subdued [  ]   Other [X]: Open, Forthcoming

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]  Delusions [  ]  Sleep Problems [X]  Appetite Problems [  ]  Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]  
Detail/Action Taken  : John turned in his alcohol log, which revealed one episode of binge drinking in response to a crisis. I reinforced his decision to continue his alcohol log until our next appointment and once again provided contact information for several sources of help. He has set up an accountability system with his sister, who is six months sober herself and shares many of his same issues.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** The start of today’s session was… unusual. I was unable to avoid giving Sherlock and John back to back appointments this week, and the result provided quite a jumping off point for our discussion today. John and Sherlock encountered each other in the waiting room just outside my office in between appointments, and John had brought his daughter with him, as he’d been unable to call upon his usual minders. As soon as she saw Sherlock, Rosamund squealed and reached out for him, and Sherlock took her into his arms without hesitation, obviously pleased to see her. Sherlock offered to mind her in the waiting room while John came in for his appointment, which he accepted. He handed over her bag and left them with some reluctance, though as it turns out, the reluctance had nothing to do with leaving his daughter in Sherlock’s care.

After this encounter, John was thoroughly distracted, almost dazed, as we began our session. He seemed quite affected by the sight of Sherlock and his daughter together. He turned in his meticulously written homework, rattling off his conclusions, pointing out his missing wedding ring, and discussing his drinking as if by rote, though his eyes repeatedly went unfocused, quickly followed by an unconscious smile.

When I startled him out of one of these dazes for the third time, he apologized and admitted to being preoccupied with Sherlock’s latest letter. Finally having confirmation that Sherlock is gay and has had a relationship in the past shook John to the point of a drinking binge, though not out of any homophobic discomfort. He _finally_ confessed to his long-standing attraction and romantic interest in Sherlock*, something that has remained half-repressed and/or hypothetical for much of their association. A relationship with Sherlock was suddenly not outside the realm of possibility, which forced John to confront everything he has been avoiding for most of his life.

Once this initial fact was out, John talked steadily for the rest of our session, confessing to frequent and significant sexual contact with men in the past, always while intoxicated or overseas with the Army when he thought it could be “excused”. He recounted a series of emails with his twin sister, who came out as a lesbian when they were eighteen, and described his father’s persistent physical and emotional abuse throughout their teenage years. John has been repressing his sexuality for more than half his life as a result of his father’s abuse, and he believes his past violence toward Sherlock has all been rooted in his repressed attraction and his father’s anger. Now that he’s analyzing his sexuality directly, he is questioning absolutely everything to the point of doubting every relationship he’s ever had.

When asked to elaborate, he hesitated, then said he’d like to think about it a while longer first. He claims it ultimately doesn’t matter because now that he knows Sherlock is open to romance and is gay, he wants to pursue a relationship with him* and admitted to fantasies of he, Sherlock, and his daughter living together as a family, of her being Sherlock’s daughter instead of Mary’s. While he is committed to revealing his own feelings, he assures me that his idea of family with Sherlock is not contingent upon romance.

I expressed some concern over the speed at which he seemed to be moving, but his response was swift and definitive. He’s been “obsessing” over his sexuality in the back of his mind for more than half his life, and now that he’s finally pulled everything into the light, he feels anxious to “get the hell on with it” and live truthfully. He pointed out, rightfully so, that much of the pain he’s caused Sherlock over the years has been a direct result of his repression, and he’s eager to do away with anything that might cause Sherlock pain in the future.

He did temper this eagerness by assuring me that he has no plans to pursue Sherlock until after he has completed his anger management course next week. I encouraged him to continue talking with his sister about her experiences both with their parents and with living openly as a gay woman. I also suggested that he consider a more private journal in addition to his public blog where he can feel safe recording his thoughts as he continues to process his sexuality. As we spoke today, John appeared to grow brighter and more unburdened with each revelation. I have high hopes that he is finally on the path to true healing.

_* - Regarding my earlier note on Sherlock’s session: Perhaps I’ll give them a bit of time to sort this out before providing referrals. Sherlock flat-out refused to see a different therapist when he first sought an appointment with me, and it could be damaging for someone with John’s trust issues to start over with someone new at this point. I would hate to see him lose any of the considerable progress he’s made. Hopefully they will prove it unnecessary, and will instead be seeking couple’s counseling in the near future, in which case my knowledge of their shared history will be a boon rather than a burden. I will re-evaluate with each appointment and contact the ethics board if necessary._

  
  
**Next Appointment:** 24/1/2017

 

 

 


	25. Press Conference Transcript Excerpt from Thursday, January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one more short chapter this afternoon. 
> 
> Chapter warnings: suicide mention, PTSD mention

 

**Press Conference Transcript**

Called by : DI Greg Lestrade, Metropolitan Police  
Additional participants: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson  
Date and Time: 19/1/2017, 15:00  
Location: New Scotland Yard

Transcript requested by: Mycroft Holmes  
Associated video timestamps: 00:00:00–4:59:00

<<<Transcript excerpt begins>>>  


**DI GREG LESTRADE** : Good afternoon. Thank you for joining us here today to discuss the recently closed investigation into the Serviceman Stalker, as you all have so charmingly named him.

(Laughter)

The basic facts of the case are these: Mr. Sherlock Holmes was approached on Tuesday the seventeenth of January by a recently returned Army veteran who wishes to remain anonymous. He believed he was being stalked and had been harassed with increasingly malicious gaslighting pranks. Mr. Holmes accepted his case and the trail of evidence led him to something much larger, involving at least twenty-eight veterans that we know of and a small-time drug dealing ring. It was at this point that Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson brought the case to me.

(The DI gestures to the two men seated at his left)

The crimes appear to have been initially motivated by the primary suspect, twenty-year-old Lucas Benjamin, being denied a position with the British Army. He began by harassing veterans personally known to him with the goal of causing their mental health to further deteriorate. At some point, he discovered that many returning veterans suffering from PTSD are prescribed certain medications that have value on the streets. This earned him an in with a minor drug dealing ring run out of several shops in Brixton, whom he informed of his methods. The case regrettably turned bloody when one of Benjamin’s accomplices pushed one of the veterans too far with their harassment, causing her to take her own life. We quickly linked the suicide with this case and, with evidence obtained by Mr. Holmes, brought in Benjamin and all members of the drug ring.

Our deepest sympathies are with the family of the deceased. If any other veterans believe they were affected by this scheme, we encourage them to come forward so we can take their statements and work to get them the treatment they need.

(He clears his throat, glances briefly at Dr. Watson, then continues)

One of our chief concerns in this case was the fact that Mr. Holmes’ client, as well as the other victims in this case, were reluctant to contact the Police in this matter due to anticipated discrimination over their mental health. The Metropolitan Police take every citizen concern completely seriously and wishes to ensure the people of London that we are here to serve you regardless of your race, religion, cultural background, gender, sexual orientation, OR mental health status.

We’ll take your questions now.

 **QUESTION** : Mr. Holmes, how were you able to determine the link to the other veterans and the drug ring?

 **HOLMES** : It was painfully obvious. The mud in the—

 **WATSON** : (to Holmes) Is this going to be a 243 types of tobacco ash moment?

 **HOLMES** : You’re right, John, there’s no use explaining my methods in detail.

(He waves a dismissive hand)

 **HOLMES** : Suffice it to say that my client’s daily habits provided the link to the other veterans, several of whom reported missing medication. John was indispensable in his handling of the witness interviews, being a veteran himself.  

 **QUESTION** : Dr. Watson, can you speak on the veterans’ concerns that they wouldn’t be taken seriously due to their mental health?

 **WATSON** : I think it’s absolutely true that many people with mental health issues, including many of our veterans, are looked down upon or dismissed. It’s unfortunate, and I hope this case will shed some light on the need for better support for our returning veterans and better awareness of mental health as a society.

 **QUESTION** : Dr. Watson, when you returned from Afghanistan, did you experience similar mental health issues to the veterans involved in this case?

 **HOLMES** : (with a fierce glare) That’s a rather inappropriate question, don’t you think?

(Watson cuts him off with a brief touch of his arm)

 **WATSON** : No, Sherlock, it’s fine, actually. I used to be quite private about such things, but I’m thinking more and more lately that hiding things can be really harmful, both to yourself and the people around you. We _should_ be able to talk about these things.

(He clears his throat, looks away from Sherlock)

 **WATSON** : I was diagnosed with PTSD after being shot in the shoulder in the line of duty and suffered from severe depression at several points thereafter. It continued to affect me in subtle and unexpected ways for years after, but my most immediate need for mental health care was in the weeks and months after my return to civilian life. I was seeing a therapist weekly as required by my discharge agreement, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t mind telling you that if I hadn’t met Sherlock and joined him in his work at just the right moment, I might not be sitting here today.

 **QUESTION** : Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson, can you speak to the ongoing rumors about a romantic relationship between the two of you?

(Sherlock tenses, but John leans into the mic without hesitation)

 **WATSON** : Our personal lives are not open topics for this session.

(Sherlock remains still for a moment, then looks over at John, startled)

 **LESTRADE** : Any further questions about the _case ?_

  
  
<<<Transcript excerpt ends>>>

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lololol this is what happens when Lilo decides to make up case details out of the blue. I hope that made even a tiny bit of sense. The details of the case aren't relevant to the story at all, so nbd if it doesn't.


	26. Text thread with Harry, evening of January 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second update for today. Make sure you didn't miss Chapter 25!

 

 **Harry** / 20:37 **  
**So I’m curious to know how far the twin similarity extends between us

 **Harry** / 20:37 **  
**Which do you think it is Johnny? Gay or bi?

 ** _sent_** / 20:38    **  
**Jesus, Harry, Sherlock steals my phone constantly.

 ** _sent_** / 20:38    **  
**I’m at his place right now. Keep it to email, please.

 **Harry** / 20:40 **  
**You honestly think the most observant man in the world doesn’t already know?

 **Harry** / 20:41 **  
**He probably reads your emails too.

 **Harry** / 20:41 **  
**But also, oooh, a romantic evening in. How’s THAT going? ;)

 ** _sent_** / 20:45    **  
**You’re as bad as the bloody media

 **Harry** / 20:49  
I saw you on the news earlier. You looked so handsome, little Johnny the soldier

 **Harry** / 20:49 **  
**I went to their website to watch the video of the whole thing.

 **Harry** / 20:50  
Sherlock looked ready to panic when they asked about your relationship.

 **Harry** / 20:50 **  
**When you didn’t deny anything, he was

 **Harry** / 20:50 **  
**You should watch the video, John

 **Harry** / 20:51 **  
**He practically had hearts in his eyes

 ** _sent_** / 20:54    **  
**I’m not having this conversation right now

 ** _sent_** / 20:55    **  
**I’ll email you when I’m back home

 **Harry** / 20:57 **  
**Fine, fine

 **Harry** / 20:57 **  
**Spoilsport.

  
  


_ Message erased. _

 


	27. Post to John’s Blog with Comments, January 20th

 

##   **The Serviceman Stalker**

Thanks, everyone, for your overwhelming response to the writeup of the Culverton Smith case. It was a nasty one, and we’re still recovering in some ways. I left out a lot of the truly horrible parts. That case will be with us for a long time, to be sure.

But, despite it all, you can never truly keep Sherlock Holmes away from the work for long.

We gave a press conference yesterday that covered all the details of the Serviceman Stalker case, which you can view [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9566708/chapters/22116641). I won’t bore you with a repeat of all that, but I will say this: Don’t ever let Sherlock Holmes convince you that he doesn’t have a heart. I suppose he has a way with wounded, hopeless veterans.

After he filled me in on the details of the case, we spent much of the afternoon tracking down other veterans with local ties to our initial client. Sherlock left the talking to me, fortunately, as my common ground with our victims made it much easier to relate and communicate. A pattern quickly emerged—all our veterans had some tie in their daily routine to a particular neighborhood in Brixton. The rest of our evening was spent sneaking through dirty alleys and staring at shop fronts for endless hours while Sherlock deduced everyone that walked by to keep me entertained. Sherlock was brilliant, as always, uncovering the link between particular shops, something about mud and tyre tread, I don’t know. What I do know is that it was good to be back on a case with him again, and even better that we got to help some of my fellow veterans. I’ve missed this.

If you all take nothing else from this case, I hope you’ll come away with a better idea of what our servicemen and women go through upon returning home from active duty. Please support your friends and family struggling with their mental health, educate yourselves, and consider donating to one of the following charities if you’re able:

ABF The Soldier’s Charity: [ https://www.soldierscharity.org/  
](https://www.soldierscharity.org/) Mental Health Foundation: [ www.mentalhealth.org.uk  
](http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk) Switchboard - The LGBT Hotline: [ https://switchboard.lgbt/](https://switchboard.lgbt/)  
MIND: <http://www.mind.org.uk/>

A note for you potential clients out there: We ARE currently open to taking cases, but we’re sticking with the tamer ones for the time being out of concern for the littlest Watson. Nothing too dangerous or violent until we’re more settled. If you’re interested in our services, you know where to find us.  

_Posted by John H. Watson on 20/01/2017 at 08:25_

**16 comments**

So good to see you two together again!!!  
**Mike Stamford** 20 January 08:37

Glad you’re doing alright, mate. Pub soon?  
**Bill Murray** 20 January 08:42

Ta, mate, that’d be good.  
**John Watson** 20 January 08:46

The three of you are adorable. Can’t wait to see the littlest Watson again soon! x  
**Molly Hooper** 20 January 08:58

If you wish to read further about the subtle science of identifying mud, please visit The Science of Deduction for much more useful information. “Something about mud and tyre tread” indeed, John.  
**Sherlock Holmes** 20 January 09:10

Nice dodge on that one question, Johnny!  
**Harry Watson** 20 January 09:24

SO GREAT to see you posting again, John!! Sounds like Sherlock was brilliant as always!!  
**Jacob Sowersby** 20 January 09:27

what’s with the gay charity on your list? what does that have to do with anything?  
**Anonymous** 20 January 09:33

There are plenty of LGBT soldiers who might benefit from specialized support.  
**John Watson** 20 January 9:55

Donated a few pounds to each charity. Glad to see Sherlock back at work!  
**Donna Staveley**  20 January 10:02

That baby needs a mother. Aren’t you worried you’re putting her in danger by associating with that man?  
**Siobhan Whelan**  20 January 11:16

Anyone who dares to so much as look at her will pay dearly. She is under my protection.  
**Sherlock Holmes** 20 January 13:08

We’ve got her perfectly cared for, thanks. There’s no one safer for her in the world than Sherlock.  
**John Watson** 20 January 14:21

You can shove right off, you horrible woman. Why John didn’t block you years ago I will never understand. You are wonderful parents, boys, don’t you listen to her  
**Marie Turner** 20 January 15:09

This is Mrs. Hudson by the way  
**Marie Turner** 20 January 15:10

Thank you, Mrs. H.  
**John Watson** 20 January 16:45

 

 


	28. Sherlock’s notes while minding Rosie, January 20th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any children and I work mostly with teenagers in my day job, so uh... thanks google? Hopefully there's nothing wildly wrong here.

 

[Scribbled on the empty “Notes” pages in the back of a white and yellow book titled “Baby’s Record Book”]

 

 **Date** : 20/1/2017

**Initial notes:**

  * JHW woke early with Watson. Breakfast was at 6:30 AM, so early lunch is anticipated.
  * JHW left for class at 9:30 AM. Watson expressed no distress at JHW’s departure. (JHW passed her into my arms, kissed her on the forehead, and she waved goodbye, then turned her focus to the texture of my dressing gown.)
  * First aid supplies are in the loo and emergency phone numbers are stored in mobile, should the need arise



**Feeding and Activity Log:**

  * Began with block time to reinforce gross motor skills
  * Watson shows a preference for sensory-based activities and enjoys sorting activities, which she completes with above-average skill for her age.
  * 10:15 AM - Offered 4 oz unsweetened almond milk, which Watson took with some suspicion, then finished completely.
  * Read several books on land animals, sea animals, space, colors, trucks, and fairies. Watson shows a marked preference for all things related to space and the solar system. (Inquire whether JHW has put special effort toward developing Watson’s affinity for space as a joke at my expense. I am aware of the solar system now, John.)
  * Played violin, sticking with quick-paced nursery rhyme tunes. Watson practiced dancing while holding on to the edge of the chair, with demonstration and encouragement by SH. She will likely take her first steps any day now.
  * 11:00 AM - Offered Watson small samples of a variety of foods to judge her developing preferences.  
        --  Foods offered (all mashed): Avocado, sweet potato, peas, white beans with olive oil, banana  
        --  Additional offerings: baked zucchini strips, whole wheat pasta, 4 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk  
        --  Preferences recorded in the chart on the opposite page  
        --  Leftovers stored in airtight, sanitary containers in the (food safe) refrigerator in case JHW brings Watson over the weekend.  
        --  NOTE: Watson despises the sound of the food processor when run consistently, but enjoys it when broken up into rhythmic pulses
  * 11:45 AM - Nappy change. Contents recorded in corresponding chart on the opposite page.
  * 12:00 PM - Hiding games with Watson’s favorite rattle. Watson is quite adept at remembering locations and has a developmentally-appropriate grasp of object permanence.
  * 12:30 PM - Drawing with markers. Watson enjoys the act of scribbling and takes great joy in presenting SH with her creations. Activity ceased once Watson discovered the markers’ ability to work on skin. Hand washing required. (Slight residual marker stain on JHW’s chair. Should be easily cleaned with water.)
  * 1:00 PM - Took Watson to the park in her pushchair, where we analyzed different varieties of leaves and grass via texture, smell, and tensile strength. Watson especially loves the tensile strength test. She frequently attempted to discern taste differences as well, an instinct which will serve her well when she is older but had to be curbed for safety reasons at present. She was displeased. Texted pictures of this activity to JHW for when he gets out of class.
  * 1:30 PM - Watson fell asleep in the pushchair on the way ~~home~~ back to 221B.
  * 1:45 PM - Lay on the couch with the sleeping Watson resting atop my chest. Whenever she began to fuss or wake up, I hummed a bit of a lullaby in a low register. The vibrations in my chest, more than the melody, seem to soothe her.
  * 2:30 PM - Awakened by JHW’s return to 221B after his class. Rather than being angry that I fell asleep while minding Watson, JHW seemed charmed/soft/??? (I would have been easily awakened by any movement on Watson’s part and had a firm two-handed hold on her. She was secure. I suspect JHW may have taken a photo with his mobile.)
  * 3:00 PM - JHW, tired from the emotional exertion of his class, took Watson home for the evening. ( ~~they just spent the night last night, of course they need to return home, it’s not~~ _personal notes belong elsewhere._ )



**Concluding Remarks:**

Minding Watson was a thoroughly satisfying and engaging way to spend the day, and SH believes this trial run was successful enough that JHW will consider SH a viable source of child care in the future. Future engagements will likely be far less peaceful, as Watson is rarely as perfectly well behaved as she was today, but SH ~~looks forward~~ is prepared to test a variety of methods of soothing and discipline. Overall, the afternoon alone with Watson was an enjoyable experience; she is fascinating, a wondrous mystery, growing and different every day and ~~I love her I love her I love her stop it~~

 **Future opportunities for observation and testing** : Monday, 23/1 and Wednesday, 25/1

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, funny story—I wrote this chapter maybe two weeks ago, then a few days ago [this beautiful piece of art](http://sh2jw.tumblr.com/post/157481058604) came across my dash! And I did a double take, because is it NOT that last bit from this chapter EXACTLY? Right down to the photo being on John's mobile! I was so enamored that I knew I'd have to share it with you. Disclaimer: This art is not affiliated with this fic in any way, and this chapter was not inspired by this art. It is purely a coincidence! What a cool universe we live in.


	29. John’s worksheet from anger management class, January 20th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to do two chapters/day for the next few days. I'm so impatient! Check back later or subscribe for more.
> 
> Also, this might look funky on mobile? The formatting was HORRIBLE to get right and I still don't love it. Ugh.

[Written in blue ink on the worksheet provided by the facilitator]

 **Opening Thoughts  
** _Free write for a few minutes about your initial impressions of this class, goals you have for your anger, fears you have about this course, and anything else you’re thinking or feeling._

Talking about this stuff is bloody awkward already and I haven’t even had to talk about my dad yet.  Need to thank Mycroft later (if I can stomach it/hide it from S)—being in a class for people with security clearance will make this much easier. I hope. Identifying normal anger vs. excessive anger is something I really want to learn to do. How angry is too angry? How bad can normal, every day anger be? If I’m going to live with Sherlock again, occasional anger is guaranteed. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him again.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 **My primary anger triggers**    
_What topics tend to provoke your anger? Any that trigger an immediate strong reaction versus a slower burn of anger? What do you think might be the origin of these triggers?_

  1. my own guilt, self-loathing
  2. when something reinforces/confirms my negative opinion of myself
  3. someone/something touches on a repressed topic (dad’s abuse and the reasons for it)
  4. when someone betrays me (or were those times really about the other triggers?)



Obvious. Been over this in therapy a lot lately. My dad was an utter cock and I fucking hate him. I think the woman to my left might be MI6. Tanned as if she’s been abroad for a significant length of time, but her carriage isn’t military. Sharply dressed, but nondescript, cool eye contact, supremely controlled expression. Wish Sherlock were here to tell me if I’m right.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

**Physical Signs of Anger  
** _Anger can be deeply hidden or unconscious, and your body may let you know you are angry before you become aware. What physical cues do you personally notice when you are angry?_

  1. clenched fists
  2. tense jaw
  3. rigid posture
  4. S has said before that I do a thing with my nose when I’m really furious--what?



If I notice myself tensing up, I should stop and take mental inventory. Summarize the current topic and look for triggers. I think the bloke sitting across from me might be gay. He keeps looking up at me, but he’s sneaky about it. Is he checking me out? Confirmed. Just talked about his ex-boyfriend. He looks like a nice enough bloke. Doesn’t scream gay, though. Does he suspect me? Maybe now that he’s broken the queer topic, I can actually talk about...anything. I feel like such a stereotype. The repressed, angry middle-aged man. I guess if I’m going to get anything out of this class I have to get over it and come out to these people. Fists are clenched right now and jaw is tight. Thanks for this legacy, dad. You’re an arse.                                                                   

**Notes on Redirecting and Interrupting Anger**

~~Count~~ Never works for me. Doesn’t occupy my brain enough to calm me down. What am I counting? Reasons for being pissed off?  
Get a drink of ~~water~~ or tea  (not so much the drinking, but the making of it, for me. Good when I’m a little bit angry, not so much when I’m out of control)  
Can’t believe I just came out to a room full of strangers  
No one even batted an eye  
Were they not surprised? Do I look gay somehow?  
Or do they just not care?  
Go for a walk (I tend to do this already, but need to make sure to say something instead of storming out. “We will be fine, we will solve this, I need some space to calm down.”)  
Focus on breathing  
seriously, focus on breathing,  right now  
focus on writing  
the feel of the paper under this pen  
At least people with clearance know the value of secrecy  
Not that it’s a secret. Not for long.  
I just need  
Practice what I want to say in my head before I say it. (Or write it down, maybe?)  
Name the problem specifically rather than talking around it (not so good at this) and stay focused rather than letting the argument expand to other topics (Need to keep every argument from circling back around to drugs or those two years)  
Identify and state specific solutions I would like to see.  
I’m clenching my fists again  
Stop it

**Tips and other notes**

Diffuse any sense of blame. Blame matters less than solving a problem.  
Work on negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is huge source of anger for me (Thanks, Ella)  
Find humor in small, annoying situations  
Try progressive muscle relaxation  
Write out feelings (got that covered mate, thanks)  
Find a soothing hobby (does chasing criminals count?)  
This actually feels good  
They know  
And I don’t care that they know  
And they don’t care  
It’s just part of me  
It’s me  
Dad, you were a prime arsehole and you don’t get to do this to me anymore  
Shove off  
If anyone deserves my anger, it’s you  
Maybe I’ll go rage at your headstone for a while. That sounds therapeutic. Is it still wrong if you’re raging at a dead person you can’t possibly hurt?

 

  
**Next class:** 23/1 -- Assertive vs. Aggressive, Power, control, and physical violence, Conflict resolution, Good fighting vs. Bad fighting

 

 


	30. Sherlock's assignment, part 1, January 20th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second update today, so make sure you didn't miss Chapter 29!

 

[scribbled in black pen on the inside flap of an old case file]

 

New sheet music  
Take up fencing again for boredom/stress relief? (might be difficult to resist actually stabbing tiresome people)  
Pay off library fines and ILL more books for research  
Spend social time (???) with Molly and  ~~ Lestrade ~~ ...Graham? Gary?  
Go for walks around London with John and Watson  
Eat more regularly (minimal work involved; John will likely feed me regularly if I declare this goal)  
Spend more time with Mrs. Hudson ( ~~tea~~ ~~ every afternoon ~~ every Monday? Start slow and evaluate)  
Rent terrible movies with John and allow yourself to enjoy them instead of being a prick  
Cuddle Watson  
Give her baths  
Eat chips whenever you feel like it  
Turn phone on silent and tidy mindpalace  
Take the extra time to go to the good barber that does the head massage thing  
Go dancing ~~(with John?)~~  
Allow more frequent masturbation and take time to indulge (buy a new toy? lube experiment?)  
Try John’s bath stuff  
Do something nice for Hudders  
Consider getting a dog when Watson is older  
Visit an apiary  
Buy the good tea  
Take a weekend holiday with John (would he be willing to do that? Is that appropriate for “best friends”?)  
Nap with Watson laying on my chest

 

 


	31. Email thread with Harry on Friday evening, January 20th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a two chapter day. Check back later for another update, or subscribe to have a notification emailed to you!

 

To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                                        20 Jan 2017  |  16:25  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk   
Subject: your question

Okay, I’m back at my own flat now, but seriously, keep it to email. I like to at least pretend I’m not a completely open book to him.

So, your question... honestly, i’m not sure if I’m gay or bi, and I’m not sure how to find out.

Bi seems logical, considering my history, but trying to figure everything out retroactively is making my head spin. I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and it’s starting to make me feel crazy. I’m doubting EVERYTHING. Did I ever really feel the things I thought I felt? Are things with Sherlock so much more because he’s him, or because he’s a man? Or both? Were things with men in the army more intense because they were different/wrong/rare/forbidden, or because…?

This is way more into my sex life than I really want to get with my sister. sorry.

To really figure it out I’d have to date and sleep with more men, now that I’m out of the army and have my head in the right place. And I don’t want to do that. I want HIM, for the rest of my life.

For years now, I’ve only wanted him.

So maybe it’s a moot point.

  


To: john.h.watson@email.co.uk                                                      20 Jan 2017  |  19:03   
From: harrywatson@email.co.uk  
Subject: Re: your question

I see you spent the night at Sherlock’s flat ;) ;) ;)

To the point though… I don’t know, Johnny. Some people find the labels restrictive. Other people feel an enormous sense of relief when they can finally point to something and say yes, that’s what I am. I don’t know how you feel about labels, but you’re in the good position of knowing what you want, and neither gay nor bi excludes the thing you want. You know you aren’t straight, and that’s the important bit.

Getting dad’s voice out of your head may be harder than you think though. Can I give you some totally unsolicited advice?

Go out somewhere where everyone will assume you’re queer. Go to a gay bar with a friend you can trust. I can recommend you a few coffee shops and bookstores in Vauxhall, or if you want to get farther from home I can send you to Islington or Camden. Just… get used to being thought of as gay before you put all that pressure on your relationship with Sherlock. You have a lot of baggage, and I’ve gone through this with a girlfriend before. It exploded in my face. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you’ve thought about it and wanted it, being gay in the real world is… _real_.

In private, I’m sure you’ll just fall into each other’s arms and it will feel so right that everything will just happen. That’s how it was for me, at least. Natural.

But in public? Don’t make him feel like he has to hide. That’s just cruel, especially after all this time he’s spent waiting for you.  

I hope that all makes sense.

Also I’m going to plug my ears and sing la-la-la-la-la really loud because I do NOT need to know how many guys you banged in the army, ugh.

  


To: harrywatson@email.co.uk                                                        20 Jan 2017  |  19:40  
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk   
Subject: Re: Re: your question

You really don’t want to know. I don’t know how I managed to stay in denial this long.

Your advice makes sense. I think I have a friend who could go with me, if you want to send me a few addresses. Maybe a bar or club would be good. Not that I need to be around alcohol right now, but at least I know how to handle myself in that kind of environment. I’d be a bit more comfortable there than sitting around in a coffee shop staring at blokes in cardigans or something.

Thanks again, Harry.

Really.

Thanks.

 

 


	32. Text thread with Molly on Saturday, January 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter posted today, so make sure you didn't miss chapter 31!

 

 ** _sent_** / 10:38     
Hey Molly

 ** _sent_** / 10:39   **  
**...can I ask you a very strange favor?

 **Molly** / 10:51 **  
** Strange favors seem to be the only kind I get asked for

 **Molly** / 10:51 **  
** They’re my specialty, apparently!

 **Molly** / 10:52 **  
** Not that watching Rosie is ever a strange favor

 **Molly** / 10:52 **  
** That one doesn’t count of course

 **Molly** / 10:52 **  
** Anyway, the point is, yes, what’s the favor?

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I don’t exactly_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I’m trying to figure ou_

 _**typing...** **_  
_ ** _ _I’m not sure how_

 ** _sent_** / 10:59   **  
** This is really awkward

 ** _sent_** / 10:59    **  
** You can’t tell Sherlock, okay?

 **Molly** / 11:04 **  
**...please tell me you aren’t planning to jump off any buildings

 ** _sent_** / 11:05    **  
** No!

 ** _sent_** / 11:05    **  
** God no

 ** _sent_** / 11:05    **  
** No

 **Molly** / 11:06 **  
** Sorry, bad joke. Really sorry.

 **Molly** / 11:06 **  
** You know I don’t like to keep secrets, but if it’s really important…

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I know, and I hate to ask bu_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _It’s nothing like that, it’s personal, an_

 **Molly** / 11:10 **  
** John, at this point very little could shock me, after all we’ve been through.

 **Molly** / 11:10 **  
** Spit it out

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _You’re gonna laugh, I kn_

 ** _sent_** / 11:12    **  
** I need to go to a gay bar and I don’t want to go alone?

 **Molly** / 11:12 **  
** JOHN IF YOU TELL ME YOU'RE TRYING TO PICK UP A MAN WHO ISN’T SHERLOCK SO HELP ME

 ** _sent_** / 11:13    **  
** No! No no no nonono I swear

 ** _sent_** / 11:13    **  
** It’s FOR sherlock

 ** _sent_** / 11:13    **  
** I just have some stuff to work through

 ** _sent_** / 11:14    **  
** I’ll explain it all in person I just

 ** _sent_** / 11:14    **  
** Will you?

 ** _sent_** / 11:15    **  
** Please, Molly

 **Molly** / 11:16 **  
** (...)

 **Molly** / 11:18 **  
** Of course, John. When?

 ** _sent_** / 11:19    **  
** I know it’s short notice, but… Mike Stamford and his wife are free to watch Rosie tonight, if you’re available

 **Molly** / 11:21  
I’ll make it work

 **Molly** / 11:21 **  
** I have no idea what to wear!

 ** _sent_** / 11:22    **  
** Oh god, neither do I

 **Molly** / 11:23 **  
** Why don’t I come over around 9 and I’ll help you?

 ** _sent_** / 11:23    **  
** Would you? You’re a lifesaver.

 ** _sent_** / 11:24    **  
** Thank you so much Molly, really.

 **Molly** / 11:25 **  
** You’re welcome, John.

 ** _sent_** / 11:28    **  
** What you said earlier, though...

 ** _sent_** / 11:29    **  
** About picking up a man who isn’t Sherlock

 ** _sent_** / 11:31    **  
** Does that mean you think he...

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I love him, Molly. I’ve loved him for so lon_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Do you know if he_

 **Molly** / 11:36 **  
**You’ll have to talk to Sherlock about that.

 ** _sent_** / 11:36    **  
** Yeah, I know. I know.

 ** _sent_** / 11:37    **  
** After this, I will. I promise.

 ** _sent_** / 11:37    **  
** Thanks again.

 **Molly** / 11:39 **  
** Happy to help.

  
_Message erased._

 

 


	33. Text thread with Lestrade on Saturday, January 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another two chapter day. Check back later for another update, or subscribe to have a notification emailed to you!

 

 **Give me a case** / 3:14 PM   
Are you coming or what? This one looks really good, I promise

 ** _sent_** / 3:20 PM  
Nope

 **Give me a case** / 3:20 PM **  
** Seriously? 

**Give me a case** / 3:21 PM **  
** I’ve hardly seen you lately. You were gone from the press conference before I had a chance to say two words to you

 **Give me a case** / 3:21 PM   
You’re not taking my cases

 **Give me a case** / 3:22 PM **  
** Everything ok?

 ** _sent_** / 3:24 PM  
No time for your boring “cases”

 **Give me a case** / 3:25 PM   
What’s got you so busy then?

 ** _sent_** / 3:28 PM **  
** Thinking

 **Give me a case** / 3:29 PM **  
** About John?

 **_typing..._ ** **  
** _What makes you thin_

 **_typing..._ ** **  
** _Not everything is ab_

 **Give me a case** / 3:34 PM **  
** Is everything ok with you two?

 **_typing..._ ** **  
** _I have no idea what John’s thi_

 ** _sent_** / 3:37 PM **  
** How did you know it was about John?

 **Give me a case** / 3:38 PM **  
** Mate, with you, it’s always about John

 **_typing..._ ** **  
** _It’s annoying how right you a_

 ** _sent_** / 3:41 PM **  
** We’re taking some time off from dangerous cases

 ** _sent_** / 3:41 PM  
For Rosie

 **Give me a case** / 3:42 PM **  
** (...)

 **Give me a case** / 3:44 PM **  
** (...)

 **Give me a case** / 3:45 PM **  
** I know you don’t do this, but we should really go out for a pint, you and I

 **Give me a case** / 3:46 PM **  
** Or a glass of wine or a 30 year Glen McKenna or whatever it is you posh kids drink

 **Give me a case** / 3:46 PM   
God help me, but I’m worried about you

 **Give me a case** / 3:47 PM **  
** As a friend

 ** _sent_** / 3:50 PM **  
** Why?

 **Give me a case** / 3:51 PM **  
** Would you like a list?

 ** _sent_** / 3:51 PM **  
** If you think it would be helpful

 **Give me a case** / 3:52 PM **  
** Oh for the love of…

 **Give me a case** / 3:53 PM **  
** 1 - You were dying of an overdose barely two weeks ago

 **Give me a case** / 3:54 PM **  
** 2 - You’re not beating down my door for “real” cases

 **Give me a case** / 3:54 PM **  
** 3 - You and John

 **Give me a case** / 3:54 PM **  
** 3 - You and Rosie

 **Give me a case** / 3:54 PM   
I just want to make sure you’re doing okay

 **typing...** **  
** _Must everyone get involved? It’s mortifying enough that everyone knows how I_

 **typing...** **  
** _I suppose it will make Ella and John hap_

 **typing...** **  
** _I’m supposed to be doing mor_

 ** _sent_** / 3:58 PM **  
** Fine

 ** _sent_** / 3:58 PM  
Tonight

 **Give me a case** / 4:00 PM **  
** Tonight? I have this case on, I can’t unless we make a breakthrough in the next few hours

 ** _sent_** / 4:01 PM  
Ask to see the brother-in-law’s shoes

 ** _sent_** / 4:01 PM  
If the left one shows greater wear than the right, arrest him

 ** _sent_** / 4:02 PM  
I’ll tell you the rest at the pub

 ** _sent_** / 4:02 PM  
9pm at your local

 **Give me a case** / 4:05 PM **  
** (...)

 **Give me a case** / 4:09 PM **  
** Not even gonna ask.

 **Give me a case** / 4:15 PM   
Fine. 9pm. See you later.

 

 


	34. Sherlock's handwritten notes on the back of a pub menu, January 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter posted today. Make sure you didn't miss chapter 33!

[Written in black pen on the back of a cheaply-printed pub menu. the handwriting starts sloppy and gets sloppier]

 

Ella’s thing   
Who am I? (answer as many ways as possible)

This is ridiculous  
Lestrade is making me  
Why am I bothering?  
Since when do I ever listen to him?  
FINE I’ll make a real list. Graham is annoyingly perceptive while intoxicated  
I am a genius, obviously  
a scientist (obv)  
a detective (obv)  
a godfather  
a best friend

Lestrade is attempting to be all commanding. John is better at it.  
Who am I “essentially”? What does that even mean?  
I think he’s drunk. er. Drunker.

bored  
curious  
an addict  
…???  
A violinist  
gay (very)  
also drunk. too.

What do I believe in?

I believe in science  
I believe Mycroft is a tosser  
I believe I’ll have another scotch  
I believe in bringing bad people to justice  
I believe in helping people who are unfairly persecuted  
I care about the people I help. Yes, I admit it. Shove off, Grant.  
It doesn’t help their cases, and I don’t know how to talk to them (or even want to), but I  do  care.  
I want to be able to care without feeling like I have to react in the way that’s expected of me (total prick, he says)  
I want to be a good person for Watson and John, someone they can care about and trust  
I want...  
I want to be a ~~~~~~boyfriend~~  
 ~~partner~~  
 ~~husband?~~  
 ~~father?~~  
 ~~god yes I want that~~  
 ~~that’s who I want to be~~  
 ~~I never thought I would want this~~

Lestrade is actually making sense and I think that means less of drinks next time

 


	35. Security camera footage summary, Baker Street, January 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might post two chapters today? Haven't quite planned out the week's update schedule for maximum dramatic effect yet. Subscribe, follow me on tumblr, or just keep your eyes peeled in case I decide to drop another one later!

Camera ID #28132  
Location  : Baker Street, position 2  
Date  : 21/1/2017  
Timestamp  : 23:38:12 to 23:45:22  
Identified Persons : Gregory Lestrade and Sherlock Holmes

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[Gregory Lestrade and Sherlock Holmes enter the field of view at 23:38:26, swaying and visibly intoxicated. SH’s arm is around GL’s shoulder, while GL’s arm is around SH’s waist. They appear to be supporting each other, though the situation is precarious at best. Assume all speech is slurred for the entirety of this summary.]

 **GL:**  [Unintelligible] but no, look, it makes sense. I think... okay, so, every time you call _us_ idiots, you’re placing yourself in a… a different _category_. Based on intellect, right?

 **SH:** _(Waving a vague hand)_ Obviously.

 **GL:** Right, so you’re judging _our_ worth based on intellect. But, Sherlock—and look, answer honestly, don’t just be a prick because it’s automatic—do you truly think I’m worthless as a person because I’m not as smart as you?

[He nearly trips over a discarded bottle. SH catches him, and GL almost pulls him down, too. It’s a near thing.]

 **GL:** So like… if I fail to solve a case, or even lots of cases… do I not deserve to live? Does the whole rest of my life not matter?

 **SH:** Pfft. Don’t be an... an idiot, _Lestrade_. I never said that stupid people deserve to die.

 **GL:** Okay, but…

[He pulls SH to a halt and grabs one of SH’s lapels, gesturing insistently with his other hand]

 **GL:** Do we mere mortals deserve to be unhappy because we’re not as smart? Do we not deserve good things?

 **SH:** I never said you didn’t. You deserve good. Like Molly. Molly is good. For you, I mean. Not me, obviously. Too many breasts. _(He gestures to his chest in distaste)_ Not John.

 **GL:** Damn it, Sherlock, you’re changing the subject again! So _you_ believe that people deserve to be happy and have good things and live even if they’re idiots. But you _(He pokes him in the chest)_ don’t deserve to be happy yourself? You don’t deserve to live? Why don’t you think you deserve good things?

[SH pulls GL’s hand off his lapel and continues toward 221B Baker Street, stumbling]

 **SH:** [Unintelligible] don’t matter. I’ve done bad things. _(He waves a hand again, very twisty about the wrist)_ Lots of ‘em. Haven’t been good to John. John deserves good things. If I’m bad, then I should get… bad things.

 **GL:** But what about what John _wants_?

 **SH:** I took away what he wanted. Mary’s dead. I’m try… I’m trying to make up for it.

 **GL:** Damn it all, you two are hopeless.

[He pulls SH to a halt again, by his elbow this time]

 **GL:** Sherlock, you deserve to be happy. We’ve all done bad things, even John. It doesn’t mean we’re bad people. You’re not bad people. Person. You matter.

 **SH:** _(Shaking his head)_ No. Why? Why should I? Other than the… detective… ing.

 **GL:** You… what? _(Indignant)_ Sherlock, you matter because you _do._ Because everyone matters. It’s not something you earn. Every person matters, including you.

 **SH:** Molly said something like that the other day.

 **GL:** Well, Molly’s a very intelligent woman.

 **SH:** Oh, for God’s sake, Greg, ask her out and have done with it already.

 **GL:** _(Amazed)_ You called me Greg!

[He pulls SH into a back-slapping hug. SH hesitantly raises one hand to lightly pat at GL’s shoulder]

 **SH:** Don’t let it go to your head.

[They stumble the rest of the way to 221B Baker Street, then pause just outside]

 **SH:** D’you want to come up for one more drink?

[GL’s eyebrows shoot up, and he gives Sherlock a barely noticeable once-over]

 **GL:** Uh, I’m pretty sure John would _kill_ me.

 **SH:** _(Waving a hand in annoyance)_ No, no, not like that, idiot. Not that you’re not _(He pats his forehead awkwardly)_ you know, pretty and such. But it’s only John.

 **GL:** I know, mate.

 **SH:** Always only him. He’s… _everything_ , Gregory.

[SH grabs GL by the upper arms and shakes him lightly for emphasis]

 **SH:** _Everything._

 **GL:** _(Soothingly)_ I know, I know. You’ll work it out. You deserve good things, Sherlock. John’s a good. Thing. You’re good for each other.

 **SH:** _(Pained)_ I love him, Greg. I really, really do. Love him.

[GL pulls him into another tight hug and pats his shoulder]

 **GL:** I know.

 **SH:** And Watson. She’s everything, too.

 **GL:** I know, mate.

 **SH:** [Unintelligible]

 **GL:** You’ll have to talk to John about that, mate, I’m sorry.

[SH pulls away and throws his arms in the air, apparently frustrated]

 **SH:** Everyone keeps _saying_ that like it’s so easy.

 **GL:**  I know it’s not _easy,_ but it’s the only way.

[SH shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the ground for several beats]

 **SH:** I’m going to tell him. Soon.

 **GL:** Well, good luck, Sherlock. I want you both to be happy. You deserve it.

 **SH:** I don’t know that I—

 **GL:** No, shut up, you complete bloody tosser, _you deserve it._ You can’t tell him until you can believe that. Tell yourself over and over until you believe it. And when you don’t, call me and I’ll tell you. Okay?

 **SH:** [Unintelligible]

 **GL:** _Okay?_

 **SH:** Okay, fine. I…

 **GL:** Say it.

 **SH:** I… deserve. It.

 **GL:** Deserve _what?_

 **SH:** ...to be... _(He waves a hand again)_...happy.

 **GL:** Damn right you do. _(He claps him on the shoulder)_ I’ve got to get home before I fall asleep on the sidewalk and get an ASBO.

 **SH:** Yes, the met frowns on that.

 **GL:** They do, yes, they do.

 **SH:** The second pub may have been a mistake.

 **GL:** Nope. We did my local, had to do yours, too. Not that you've ever been.  _(He hiccups)_ Now you have. Any time you need some sense talked into you, that's where we'll go.

[SH hails a cab and opens the door for GL, studying him for a moment before he gets in]

 **SH:** You’re almost kind of smart sometimes, Greg.

 **GL:** _(Clapping a hand over his heart)_ The highest of praise. Let’s do this again soon.

 **SH:** _(Surprised, almost startled)_ Yes. Yes, I’d like that.

 **GL:** G’night, mate.

 **SH:** Good night, Greg.

[GL pulls the door shut and the cab drives away. SH stands at the curb for a moment]

 **SH:**...mate.

[He turns, fumbles with his keys, and lets himself inside 221B]  
  
<<<End Summary>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, late night drunk philosophical conversations, the glue that holds friendships together the world 'round!


	36. Blog post saved to drafts, early morning January 22nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter for today! Make sure you didn't miss chapter 35.

**January 22**

 

**[Untitled]**

I was prepared for utter disaster. I was prepared to beg Molly to get me out of there before I drank half the bar. I was prepared to panic, run screaming, get angry and have to use the stuff I learned in anger management.

I was not prepared for this.

God, I fucking _loved_ it.

I needed this, needed it so bad. It felt amazing, moving among men, their bodies, the dancing, men in love and showing it, people looking at me and assuming I’m gay and thinking it’s a _good_ thing, _wanting_ me because of it and _god_ I wanted him there with me. I think I’ll wear these clothes for him sometime, just to see what happens. This old shirt from my army days definitely does the trick, and the new jeans I bought… well, let’s just say they were effective.

I did have one drink just to help loosen up, and it’s not okay and it’s not a good thing, but it helped me relax enough to let go, and once I let go it felt so right that I don’t think I’ll need that relaxing drink ever again. I can’t believe I’ve been drinking this away for years. I feel like a fool, like I’ve missed out on so much… but it’s not too late to have the one thing I truly want.

I told Molly everything. I whispered it over the bar and shouted it over the music and told her every single moment I regretted. She was so kind, told me she’d known how I felt since before he left, that she’d never seen me so free and open, and told me some of her past stuff, too. Molly finally begged off around midnight but she hugged me and made sure I was okay to stay by myself, and I told her that I was more than fine. So much more than fine. She’s a great friend, and I feel terrible about the way Sherlock and I have both treated her over the years, but we’re going to do better now. She deserves better.

So she left me there, and I stayed for another hour and a half. I dove straight into the center of the dance floor and let their bodies cage me in, press against me, let them run their hands over me and want me and I teased them and ground my hips into them and pretended all the while that they were him, God, I _want_ him _,_ and I needed this I needed this _I needed this_. This one guy, Thom, wanted to take me home, and when I said no he offered to suck me off in the loo instead. I declined, of course, told him I wasn’t looking for anything tonight. It would have felt like a betrayal to Sherlock, obviously. But his wanting didn’t feel wrong. It felt amazing. And whenever dad’s voice made an appearance, I just danced closer, let my hands wander, let the music drown it out. I never would have acted on it, not with the way I feel about Sherlock, but for once this wasn’t about him. It was about me. It was about who I am, what I needed. Who I want to be.

It felt just like being in the army. All dad’s bullshit felt so far away while I was over there, so irrelevant, I just tuned it out. It didn’t matter. It never needed to matter. I had no problem ignoring his voice while I was giving out blowjobs to my fellow soldiers in Afghanistan. Why should I let it bother me now? Why should London be any different? Especially when he’s dead and can’t come after me anyway? It not. It’s not different at all. It’s like I flipped a switch when I was deployed, then flipped it back when I came home. Well, I’m flipping the switch again, by choice this time, and I’m breaking the damn thing so it stays this way. Now that I’ve been reminded what it feels like, to want men and be wanted by them and have that be known, I’m never going back. This was exactly what I needed. This reminder, this pseudo-Afghanistan in a dark basement of sweat and sex and music.

I can’t believe I’ve been hating myself for this for years, since I was a teenager. I hated myself for loving Sherlock because he was a man. I still hate myself, a little bit, for wanting him because he’s my best friend. Hopefully that last little bit will be gone soon, though. Because I have to tell him.

But even if Sherlock says no, even if we aren’t going to be together, this is who I am.

I’m ready to be out.

I can do this. I need this.  

I’m finally ready.  
  
_Saved to drafts by John H. Watson on 22/01/2017 at 02:38_

 


	37. Text thread with Sherlock on January 22nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! Subscribe, follow on tumblr, or check back later so you don't miss the next one.

 

 ** _sent_** / 09:25  
Rosie says good morning 

  
  


 

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:41   
John, please come kill me immediately

**_sent_** / 13:42  
Finally

 ** _sent_** / 13:42  
I was about to send out a search party

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:44   
It’s been

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:45   
A rough morning

**_sent_** / 13:46  
So rough it became afternoon, apparently

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:48   
I’m never going to the pub with Greg ever again

**_sent_** / 13:48  
You went to the pub?

 ** _sent_** / 13:49  
Wait a minute, GREG?

 ** _sent_** / 13:49  
Since when do you use his actual name?

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:51   
Since he proved himself to be moderately intelligent about some things

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:51   
He is… a surprisingly good friend

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:52   
Except in helping me moderate alcohol intake

**Sherlock is a genius** / 13:52   
Then he’s terrible

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 13:52   
I should tell him he’s terrible

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 13:53   
I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about alcohol. My apologies.

**_sent_** / 13:54  
No, it’s fine. 

**_sent_** / 13:54  
I had one drink last night, but that was it. My last for quite a while I think.

 ** _sent_** / 13:55  
I think I’ve gotten everything sorted out, for the most part

 ** _sent_** / 13:55  
I’ll tell you more soon. 

**_sent_** / 13:56  
Are you going to write back to me, or should I go ahead and write you another letter?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 13:57   
I’ll write back. Am I going to see you today?

**_typing..._ **   
_ I would love to but after last night I’m crawling out of my skin with want for you and I’m afraid I won’t control m _

**_sent_** / 13:59  
Rosie is being quite grizzly today. I don’t want to inflict her shrieking on you in your current state. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ Believe me, though, please believe I want nothing more tha _

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:02   
I detest email for this sort of thing.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:02   
Can I write a physical letter and give it to you tomorrow? 

**_sent_** / 14:04  
Of course, whatever you like best. 

**_sent_** / 14:04  
One day we might graduate to actual talking like real boys.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:05   
But then how would Ella pay her bills?

**_sent_** / 14:05  
Ha! That’s fair. 

**_sent_** / 14:06  
I’m glad you got to hang out with Greg.

 ** _sent_** / 14:06  
What’d you all talk about all night?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:08   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:10   
He actually helped me with Ella’s “assignment”, of all things

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:10   
If you can believe that

**_sent_** / 14:12  
Wow. 

**_sent_** / 14:12  
I hope it was helpful. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:14   
Shockingly, it really was. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:14   
Oh.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:15   
Should I have invited you? I’m sorry. I should have. 

**_sent_** / 14:16  
No, it’s fine, really

 ** _sent_** / 14:17  
You and Greg probably wouldn’t have gotten to talk about all that if I’d been there

 ** _sent_** / 14:17  
I’m glad you have someone you can confide in

 ** _sent_** / 14:18  
Besides… I actually went out last night, too. 

**_sent_** / 14:19  
I owed Molly for watching Rosie so often, and she and I actually ended up talking about my… Ella stuff.

**_typing..._ **   
_ About how bloody much I  _

**_typing..._ **   
_ We went to a gay bar _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I wanted you there so b _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I’m _

**_sent_** / 14:21  
Maybe we should be paying Molly and Greg for therapy

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:23   
We’d owe years of unpaid invoices at this point, I think

**_sent_** / 14:30  
Sorry, Rosie is screaming her head off again

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:31   
I wish I could be there to help. 

**_sent_** / 14:32  
I’m sorry you didn’t get to see her today

 ** _sent_** / 14:33  
I just didn’t get to sleep until after 3am, and I had to pick Rosie up from the Stamfords at 8, and I’m bloody exhausted and she’s just

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:35   
It’s fine, John. I understand. I’m not in the greatest shape to be of use right now anyway. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:35   
But maybe

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:36   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:37   
(...)

**_sent_** / 14:39  
Maybe what? Whatever it is, it’s fine.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:40   
Maybe I could call? And you could put me on speaker phone and I can play for her.

**_typing..._ **   
_ I love you so much _

**_typing..._ **   
_ So goddamn much _

**_sent_** / 14:41  
Sure, let’s try it

 ** _sent_** / 14:42  
And tomorrow I’ll make it up to you. After my class, the three of us can spend the day together and have dinner. How’s that?

**_typing..._ **   
_ Is that too much? I can’t tell you yet, but can we _

**_typing..._ **   
_ Until then can we _

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:43   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:44   
Sounds perfect. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 14:45   
Call now?

**_sent_** / 14:46  
Yeah, go for it. Talk to you in a minute. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ I can’t wait to hear your voice _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I miss you _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I miss you all the time _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I’ll tell you everything soon. I promise. _

 


	38. Email to James Sholto on January 22nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter for today, so make sure you didn't miss chapter 37! Just a quick, simple one this afternoon.

 

To: jts5x@email.co.uk                                                                               22 Jan 2017  |  19:25   
From: john.h.watson@email.co.uk    
Subject: A heads-up

James,

I hope this email finds you well. I know we haven’t spoken much since the wedding, though I gathered that you and Sherlock have communicated a bit here and there. Enough that he let me know you were recovering okay. I regret so many things about that day. Mostly the fact that the wedding happened at all. So much has changed since then, James, and I don’t even know how to summarize it all quickly. I’m not sure what you’ve already heard. I guess the key facts are these: Mary has been dead for 8 months. The marriage was dead far longer than that. I’m a father now, to the best kid on the planet. And… I’m finally getting around to dealing with some things I’ve been fighting my whole life. 

Which brings me to the reason for this email. I wanted to forewarn you that I’m finally “coming out”, so to speak, and though I’m not exactly planning to shout from the rooftops or anything, since I’m something of a public figure I imagine the word might spread quickly if the media gets hold of it. I’m worried it might bring more scrutiny to you, since our closeness in the army wasn’t exactly as well-guarded as it could have been. If you have anything in particular you’d like me to say if asked about it, I’ll be happy to toe the party line. Just let me know. 

I’m also finally going to tell Sherlock how I feel soon, so, you know… wish me luck, I guess.

I hope things have been going well for you. Please let me know if you’d ever like to get together for lunch or something. I’d be happy to come out there to visit you, and you’re always welcome here. I’d love for you to meet my daughter, and I’m sure Sherlock would be happy to see you again. I find myself in a position to finally apologize for a lot of terrible things I’ve put people through in the past, and a few of those apologies belong to you. 

Would love to hear from you if you have the time and inclination. 

All my very best,   
John


	39. Baby’s Record Book entry, January 23rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! Check back later. :)

 

[Filled out on a bright yellow page decorated with bees and blocks. The print is a mixture of messy scrawl and neat, precise letters]

 

 

 **My favorite foods  
** _Watson most enjoys peas and avocado. She drinks almond milk without fuss, though she shows a marked preference for unsweetened vanilla vs. plain unsweetened. (20/1/17)_  


**My sleep habits  
** Rosie, please go to sleep. Please. How is it that, despite not sharing any DNA, you’ve somehow acquired Sherlock’s sleep patterns? Go. To. Sleep. Please go to sleep. Please. (11/1/17)

 _Sleep appears to be aided by:  
_ _1) violin  
_ _2) the presence of JW or SH in the room_  
_3) contact with chest (suspect heartbeat or vibration of voice; consider alternative ways to replicate) (21/1/17)_  


**My discoveries and accomplishments  
** In addition to ‘dada’, she now says the word ‘no’. I’m thrilled. Really. I’ve decided to blame Sherlock. (16/1/17)

Rosie has discovered climbing. I have no idea what to do about her cot. How did I end up with a monkey for a child? (18/1/17)

_Watson shows above average gross motor skills and is adept at pulling open cabinets, drawers, and anything else within reach. Child safety locks have been installed. She particularly enjoys sorting and stacking activities and has great success with these. (20/1/17)_

_First steps on 23/1/2017 at 221B Baker Street with SH and JW._  
Amazing.  


**Special memories  
** Her first steps happened just after I got home from my class. Sherlock was on the floor with his back against my chair, his legs outstretched, and Rosie stood in front of him with her hands braced against his for balance. I came over, picked her up for a cuddle, then set her back down on the floor, expecting her to crawl. Instead, she stood up and toddled right back to Sherlock and collapsed into his chest.

Sherlock’s eyes were so wide. He was utterly stunned. Then he wrapped his arms around her tight and we both started laughing. He stood up with her, and we cuddled her and praised her cleverness and it was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life. We’re about to head to the park so she can show off her new walking skills to the whole world. Sherlock is practically glowing.

 


	40. Security camera footage summary, Regent's Park, January 23rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter for today! Make sure you didn't miss Chapter 39 earlier.

Camera ID #24719  
Location: Regent’s Park, position 12  
Date: 23/1/2017  
Timestamp: 16:12:43 to 16:21:57  
Identified Persons: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Rosamund Watson

 

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, and Rosamund Watson enter the field of view at 16:12:58. RW is seated in a pushchair steered by JW, while SH walks at their side.]

 **SH:** You look different.

[JW glances up at SH with a slight smile, then back to front]

 **JW:** I feel different.

 **SH:** Why?

[JW grins, then laughs a bit, shaking his head. He glances up at SH again, still smiling]

 **JW:** That’s something for a letter, I think.

 **SH:** _(Hesitant)_ You aren’t wearing your ring anymore. I noticed last Thursday, but I didn’t say. I didn’t know if I should.

 **JW:** You can always say. But no, it’s long past time for me to take it off.

[He lifts his left hand, flexes it into a fist, then replaces it on the bar of the pushchair]

 **JW:** She’s been dead for eight months. She was on the run for two months before that. And I was contemplating divorce and regretting going back to her before that, and I was living with you while you recovered from her _shooting you_ before that. So. Yeah. Long over. _(He swallows.)_ Very long overdue. Ella helped me figure some things out and… yeah, I’m over it. Have been for a long time, honestly, but I chose to torture myself instead of letting it go.

 **SH:** That must… _(He glances at JW from the corner of his eye)_ ...be a weight off your conscience.

 **JW:** I’m feeling a lot lighter these days. For a lot of reasons.

[He smiles to himself again as they pull up to a bench along the sidewalk. SH leans down and frees RW from her pushchair, then shadows her as she toddles a few steps, then drops to a crawl. Before long she catches sight of something on the ground and babbles excitedly at SH, pointing. SH lays face down on the pavement to inspect and discuss her findings, sprawled out with his coat around him, his cheek pressed to the pavement]

 **JW:** Sherlock, get up.

 **SH:** But Watson is fascinated by the ants, John, as well she should be. Did you know that ants—

 **JW:** _(Ragged, overly loud)_ Sherlock. Get. UP!

[SH lifts his head to find JW shifting his weight from foot to foot, clenching his fists, eyes squeezed shut, his breathing laboured. He scrambles to his feet and sweeps RW into his arms, then fastens her back into her pushchair. She complains for a moment, but settles as soon as a pair of ducks walk into her view. With RW secure, SH steps closer to JW and raises a tentative hand. JW flinches away, deliberately releases his clenched fists, relaxes his shoulders, and takes several deep breaths]

 **JW:** I just need a minute.

 **SH:** I’m so sorry, John, I didn’t think.

 **JW:** _(Rough)_ You looked just like—

 **SH:** I know, I should have realized, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, John. Please—

[SH reaches for JW again, and this time JW allows it. He collapses against SH’s chest and wraps his arms around his waist. SH pulls him close with both arms around his shoulders and rests his cheek against the side of JW’s head]

 **SH:** I’m so sorry, John.

 **JW:** _(Muffled)_ I was so lost without you. I was nothing, I was empty—

 **SH:** I never would have left you if I could have avoided it, you have to believe—

[JW pulls back enough to look SH in the eye]

 **JW:** _Why?_ Why couldn’t you? We did _everything_ together, Sherlock, I thought you trusted me, we were so— I thought we were—

 **SH:** _(Intense)_ I did, John, I did, I would have given anything to have you with me those two years. _Anything._ But I couldn’t. I thought you knew, I would never have left you like that if I didn’t have to.

 **JW:** _Why?_ Why did you have to? You need to tell me _why._

[Sherlock presses his lips together and closes his eyes, then takes a deep breath in through his nose]

 **SH:** Moriarty had snipers, John. One for Mrs. Hudson. One for Lestrade.

[SH slides his hands up to cradle the back of JW’s head and drops his forehead to JW’s hair, unable to continue]

 **JW:** One for me.

 **SH:** _(Whispered)_ One for you.

[SH pulls back to meet John’s eyes again]

 **SH:** Please believe me, John. I never would have done that to you, but until I had completely dismantled Moriarty’s network I couldn’t be sure someone wouldn’t still carry out that order. _(Frantic)_ I had to keep you safe, John, I had to, you were the only—you were everything and—

 **JW:** I do. I believe you, Sherlock.

[JW steps back but leaves a hand around SH’s wrist, two fingers pressed to the inside of his wrist]

 **SH:** But then I almost did it to you again. Twice. On the plane. And Culverton Smith. The drugs. The… everything.

 **JW:** But we have my lovely ex-wife to thank for that last one, don’t we?

 **SH:** Not entirely, John. She may have given me the idea, but I still did it. I got out of control. Any time I’ve left it was to help you, to protect you. And…

[SH’s face crumples, and he looks away, composing himself]

 **SH:** I’ve been… it’s been pointed out to me by several people that I… have never placed enough value on my own life. That I can’t keep giving up my life for you as a solution to… I never thought—never thought I was worth… anything. Never thought I had a reason to… never thought I mattered eno—

 **JW:** _(Low and rough)_ You matter, Sherlock. You are worth _everything._ Your life is _beyond_ value.

 **SH:** I… am starting to understand that.

 **JW:** Believe it.

 **SH:**  ...I do.

[They both close their eyes for a long moment]

 **JW:** I don’t think I’ll ever be completely rid of that fear, Sherlock. I’m always going to remember what it felt like when you were dead. I’m always going to remember you laying there in a pool of blood, how it felt when you jumped, how it felt when I found you in that hospital bed. You kept trying to leave me—

 **SH:** Never again, John. This is important. The most important thing I will ever say to you.

[He puts his hands on John’s shoulders, and looks John directly in the eye]

 **SH:** It will never happen again. I will never willingly leave you. I will never abandon you and Watson. I will never use again. I will retire from the work before I’ll allow something to take me away from the two of you.

[RW squeals from her pushchair, kicking her legs in excitement when a goose lands and chases away the ducks. SH and JW both smile, laugh a bit, and SH pulls her from the pushchair and holds her close, rocking gently back and forth. He looks at John over the top of her head]

 **SH:** This is the most important thing in my life now. If that’s okay with you.

 **JW:** More than okay, Sherlock. The three of us, we’re family.

 **SH:** _(Ragged)_ Thank you, John.

[They place RW on the ground between them and each take one of her hands, helping her walk down the path while Sherlock steers the pushchair with his free hand]

 **JW:** I can’t believe we finally had this fight in a public park.

 **SH:** Well, in some ways I think it needed to happen elsewhere. 221B is so full of… everything.

 **JW:** It’s full of us, Sherlock. It’s why I love it. Why Rosie does.

 **SH:** _(Smiling faintly)_ Well… maybe you won’t completely hate me for what I wrote in today’s letter, then.

[SH, JW, and RW leave the field of view at 16:21:57]

<<<End Summary>>>

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer...


	41. Sherlock’s Letter, written on January 22nd & 23rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! Subscribe, follow me on tumblr, or check back later for Chapter 42. <3

 

[Written in black ink on the back of a printout of John’s most recent blog post]

 

John,

It’s been four days since your email. I’m having difficulty getting started again.  

I know we still have a lot to talk about, but telling you… that last thing. That was a lot, for me. But now that you know it about me, it feels dangerous to tell you any of the other thoughts that have been occupying my mind of late. Not because I don’t trust you. I do. More than anyone. Only… 

Perhaps I should just pick one and write. 

I wish you and Watson would move to 221B.

Please understand that I’m not telling you this to pressure you or even really to ask you to come back, though I hope you know you’re always welcome, should you decide it’s best for you and Watson. I’m just telling you what I’m thinking, and you’re under no obligation to act on it. It’s just something I think about every time you come to visit, or I go to visit you two. I know your finances haven’t been good since Mary died. You’ve almost certainly gone through most of your savings. If you moved in here, you could get a job again, if you wanted to. I could watch Watson while you were gone. I would be happy to. I’d love to. I could get up with her at night, since you know I don’t sleep much. I could make her food. She enjoyed our food experiments the other day. I could play her the violin any time she wanted, and teach her chemistry when she’s older, and look after her when you’re sick because you’re a terrible patient, John, and you don’t want to get her sick, too, and I’m getting a bit out of control with this, I think. Maybe I’m saying too much. 

This is our home, John. And I know we have a lot to work through, you and I, but I think we’re close to being there, don’t you? We’re stronger together than apart. Don’t you think?

Just the three of us against the rest of the world. 

Then again, I’m sure one day you will want to start dating again, will want to be able to bring women home, maybe even get married and move out again one day. But those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You can still live here for a while, for as long as you want, until you find the person you need. 

If you need us, 221B and I are always here for you.

Yours always,   
Sherlock

 

[Added at the bottom in blue ink. The writing becomes smaller and more cramped as it reaches the end of the page]

Hello again, John. 

Watson and I are sitting here together while you attend your second anger management class. She was perfectly well-behaved on Friday, so I do believe she’s attempting to make up for it today, lest I start to think she hasn’t inherited the Watson temperament after all. I think she may have another tooth coming in. I gave her the teething ring and played for her earlier, and she settled quite well. I hope… perhaps it is ridiculous to say this, but honesty and all that. I hope I’m good at this. I hope I’m caring for her well enough that you truly do feel safe leaving her with me. I hope she knows that I love her. Is it silly, to want a child to know that? Especially one that isn’t your own? I don’t know how capable children are of knowing such things at this age, as it’s obviously unverifiable by scientific means, but I find myself hoping nonetheless. If that is ridiculous, then I accept it. 

I hope you accept it too, John. I hope it’s okay that I love her. 

She’s one of the best things in my life, and according to Ella and Greg I’m supposed to be identifying and acknowledging the things that make me happy. 

She makes me happy, John. 

I hope this doesn’t come across as manipulative. This is not me trying to manipulate you into moving back to 221B so I’ll be happier. This is just me trying to do better. I am, apparently, more than just a brain for solving cases and conducting experiments. That fact is surprisingly hard to swallow, obvious though it may seem. I’ve been keeping myself from a lot of things I enjoy. I’m going to stop that now. 

That said—what do you think about a Bond film marathon sometime soon? I’ll even cook. 

— S

 


	42. Text thread with Sherlock, early morning January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter for today, so make sure you didn't miss chapter 41!

 

 ** _sent_** / 00:08  
Hey, are you awake?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:09   
Yes

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:09   
Is everything okay?

**_typing..._ **   
_ Shit, I forgot to change your name ba _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Did you see it when I was with you tod _

**_sent_** / 00:10  
Everything’s fine, I’m just having trouble sleeping

 ** _sent_** / 00:11  
I want a drink to help me relax, but obviously I’m not going to do that

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:12   
Is there anything I can do to help?

**_sent_** / 00:13  
Just

 ** _sent_** / 00:13  
Talk to me for a bit?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:13   
Of course. I’m here. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:13   
Actually, I’m trying to get my mind to slow down enough to sleep, too

**_sent_** / 00:14  
You’re actually trying to sleep?

 ** _sent_** / 00:14  
Wow. I’m impressed.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:14   
Fantastic? Amazing? Brilliant?

**_sent_** / 00:14  
Oh, shut up

 ** _sent_** / 00:14  
I’m really glad you were there for Rosie’s first steps today

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:15   
That’s actually one of the things that’s been on my mind tonight.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:15   
It was

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:15   
Such a simple thing. People walk all the time. It shouldn’t be

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:16   
I never thought something like that could make me so happy

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I keep thinking it’s not possible for me to love you mor _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ You were beautiful in that momen _

**_sent_** / 00:17  
I know what you mean. It was

 ** _sent_** / 00:17  
So much

 ** _sent_** / 00:17  
She walked right over to you, just fell into your arms

 ** _sent_** / 00:17  
One of the most beautiful moments of my life

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I hope that’s not too _

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:18   
Mine too, John. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:18   
Her birthday is next weekend. We should do something.

**_sent_** / 00:18  
Just the three of us?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:19   
I’m never opposed to that 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:19   
I think Mrs. Hudson and Molly would like to celebrate, though

**_sent_** / 00:20  
Yeah, you’re right. We should have a little party, just our closest friends and family. 

**_sent_** / 00:20  
She only gets one first birthday, I guess. 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:20   
It’s more for you, anyway. You survived the first year of fatherhood. That’s worth celebrating.

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Barely. Only because you _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ You’re _

**_sent_** / 00:21  
We can talk about it later this week. A party might be nice, though. Let’s think about it.

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ There’s something else I was _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Did you notice _

**_sent_** / 00:22  
You didn’t change your name in my phone today

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:22   
I was focused on you and Watson, forgot to steal it

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:22   
What does it say now?

**_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _ It says you’re bloody gorgeous and I’m in love with you _

**_sent_** / 00:23  
Sherlock is an idiot

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:23   
Well, that is simply inaccurate. I demand that you change it.

**_sent_** / 00:23  
What would you like it to say? Sherlock is a genius again?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:24   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:24   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:25   
I’m not sure, actually 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:25   
You decide 

**_sent_** / 00:26  
Do I have to tell you what I change it to?

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:26   
Yes

**_sent_** / 00:26  
Oh. Hm

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:27   
That makes it more difficult?

**_sent_** / 00:27  
Yeah, a bit

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:27   
So there are things you aren’t willing to tell me, still?

**_sent_** / 00:28  
Sherlock…

**_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _ Do I really have to wait? _

**_sent_** / 00:29  
There is somethin

 ** _sent_** / 00:29  
I finish anger management on Wednesday. I’ll be able to tell you more then

 ** _sent_** / 00:29  
But now that you mention it, I think I know just the thing to help me sleep

 ** _sent_** / 00:30  
I need to write you back

 ** _sent_** / 00:30  
Because I have something I need to say. There’s one thing I CAN tell you

 ** _sent_** / 00:30  
Maybe if I get all of it out on paper to you, it’ll help clear my head

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:31   
I bet it will help. Writing has always been therapeutic for you

**_sent_** / 00:31  
True. But there’s one thing from your letter I have to respond to now

 ** _sent_** / 00:31  
Of course you’re more than a brain. And of course you deserve things that make you happy. And of course Rosie loves you. You see how she gets when you’re around.

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:32   
I believe she gets excited to see me because she associates me with the games we play and they toys I buy for her

**_sent_** / 00:33  
She LOVES you, Sherlock

 ** _sent_** / 00:33  
Trust me, I know she does

 ** _sent_** / 00:33  
The fact that Rosie is one of the things that makes you happy is

 ** _sent_** / 00:33  
It means a lot to me, Sherlock

 ** _sent_** / 00:34  
And a bond marathon sounds fantastic. Let’s do it this weekend

 ** _sent_** / 00:34  
And you can definitely cook!

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:35   
I look forward to it

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:35   
I hope

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:36   
Well, I don’t want to bring up a bad topic again

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:36   
But I hope the incident from the park today isn’t what’s keeping you up

**_sent_** / 00:37  
Honestly… it is, a bit. But that’s not unusual

 ** _sent_** / 00:37  
Some nights I just close my eyes and

 ** _sent_** / 00:37  
There you are, lying there

 ** _sent_** / 00:38  
Not nearly as frequent as when you were gone, or when you first came back

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:38   
I’m sorry, John

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:38   
I wish there was something I could do

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:39   
I wish I could take it back

**_typing…_ ** **_  
_ ** _ You could share your bed with me. I bet that would take care of _

**_sent_** / 00:39  
It’s okay. I’m used to nightmares anyway

 ** _sent_** / 00:39  
And now I know why you did it, which is

 ** _sent_** / 00:40  
I never said thank you. For protecting me. I’m sure those two years you were gone were horrible for you

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:40   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:41   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:41   
I know it felt like I abandoned you, but 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:42   
I missed London, I missed real tea, being in one place for more than a few days, being properly warm and dry 

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:43   
I missed 221B and Angelo’s and the chinese place and crap film nights and cases and I was almost in contact with you so many times

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:43   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:43   
I missed you every day, John

**_sent_** / 00:44  
I missed you too

 ** _sent_** / 00:44  
I’m so sorry you had to go through that

 ** _sent_** / 00:44  
You must have been so lonely

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:45   
(...)

**Sherlock is bloody gorgeous** / 00:45   
I could never do it again. I couldn’t stand it

**_sent_** / 00:46  
You’ll never have to

 ** _sent_** / 00:46  
I’d love to see anyone try to separate us again

 ** _sent_** / 00:46  
All the anger management classes in the world won’t stop me

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 00:47   
Never again, John

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 00:48   
Go write your letter. I want to read what you have to say

**_sent_** / 00:48  
Okay. I will. I hope you get some sleep. Good night, Sherlock

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 00:49   
Good night, John. Sleep well

**_typing..._ **   
_ I love you _

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 00:49   
(...)

 


	43. Sherlock’s library receipts from Tuesday, January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still trying to figure out how I want to pace the release of the next 6-7 chapters, so you'll either get two or three chapters today. Subscribe or follow on tumblr so you can be up to date!

 

Receipt of Payment  
Tues 24 January 2017 10:20:13 GMT  
Staff Circ Station 1

Overdue Material Fines: £25.00  
Lost Item Fines: £38.75  
ILL Fee: £3.00  
Reservation Fee: £1.00

Total: £67.75

W.S.S. Holmes  xxx4840  
swiped at pinpad 24/01/2017  
trans id 622145254

Marylebone Library  
Macintosh House, 54 Beaumont Street, London, W1G 6DW  
https://www.westminster.gov.uk/libraries  
020 7641 6200

 

* * *

 

Current Check-Outs Summary for HOLMES, S.  
Tues 24 January 2017 10:24:47 GMT  
Staff Circ Station 1

 

BARCODE: 31743307256842  
TITLE: Children's Party Planning: A complete guide for  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743304227648  
TITLE: The Almost Perfect Birthday Party: A sanity-pre  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743307698755  
TITLE: My First Signs (BSL) / by Annie Kubler.  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743307698755  
TITLE: I Want My Hat Back / by Jon Klassen.  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743308414196  
TITLE: Lift-the-Flap Friends: Pirates / by Joelle Dreidemy  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743306451172  
TITLE: The BBKA Guide to Beekeeping, 2nd Ed. / by Iv  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743208996757  
Reserve Item  
[Sheet Music] Violin Concerto No. 1 in A minor, Op. 77 /  
Due Date 15/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743000096225  
Interlibrary Loan  
[Manual Title] Being a Summary of Crime Scene Techn    
Due Date 08/03/2017

Marylebone Library  
Macintosh House, 54 Beaumont Street, London, W1G 6DW  
https://www.westminster.gov.uk/libraries  
020 7641 6200

 

* * *

 

Current Check-Outs Summary for HOLMES, S.  
Tues 24 January 2017 10:27:03 GMT  
Self-Check Station 2

BARCODE: 31743307223411  
TITLE: The Joy of Gay Sex, 3rd Ed. / by Charles Silverst  
DUE DATE: 15/02/2017

Marylebone Library  
Macintosh House, 54 Beaumont Street, London, W1G 6DW  
https://www.westminster.gov.uk/libraries  
020 7641 6200

 


	44. Ella’s notes on John Watson, January 24th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, looks like you're getting three chapters today and four chapters tomorrow, so buckle up, fuckers. Make sure you didn't miss this morning's chapter, and subscribe/check back later for one more.

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson                                                                                                                                     Date:   24/1/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976                                                                                                                                   Appointment Time:    10:00 AM  
Record Number:  084652JHW  

 

Session Format  : Individual [X]  Family [  ]  Couple [  ]  Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [  ]  Homicidal [  ]  Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [  ]  Ideation, but no plan [  ]  Plan/Intent [  ]  Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: I haven’t been able to leave this section blank for John since before his best friend’s suicide in 2012. I’m pleased to finally do so again today. I will continue to monitor for suicidal ideation carefully, considering his past, but John truly seems to be out of danger for good this time.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Neatly dressed and groomed as always, though tired around the eyes  
Mood: Anxious [  ]  Depressed [  ]  Angry [  ]  Sad [  ]  Euphoric [  ]  Contemplative [X]  Other [X]: Happy  
Attention: Appropriate [X]  Distracted [  ]  Short [  ]  Perservative [  ]  Intense [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [X]  Minimal [  ]  Rambling [  ]  Frantic [  ]  Tangential [  ]  Halting [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [X]  Inappropriate [  ]  Flat [  ]  Volatile [  ]  Blunt [  ]  Bright [X]  Subdued [  ]  Other [X]: Open, Forthcoming

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]  Delusions [  ]  Sleep Problems [X]  Appetite Problems [  ]  Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]  
Detail/Action Taken  : John continued his alcohol log from last session, which fortunately revealed only a single drink between last Thursday and today. Details about the drink are in session notes. John continues to have occasional troubled sleep, though these days he is more often kept up by racing thoughts than by nightmares. He is processing a lot at the moment, so his excessive pondering is understandable, but I’ll be keeping an eye out in case it turns obsessive or harmful.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** John has worked hard and progressed remarkably quickly over the past few weeks. The man who walked into my office today could not be more different from the man I saw in early January, much less from past months and years. He seems comfortable and at peace with himself and the world in a way I’ve never seen from him before. Overall, he has the air of someone who has shed a heavy burden.

John reports that he is enjoying his anger management classes despite the fact that they are “bloody awkward” at times. He has been able to speak openly, identify his triggers, and practice incorporating the strategies that work best for him. We talked at length about the anger triggers that have been most persistent for him in the past, specifically Sherlock’s fake suicide and his father’s homophobic abuse. John expressed fear that he would never be completely over Sherlock’s suicide, but believes that he has finally let go of much of the trauma resulting from his father. He drove out to the cemetery where his father is buried over the weekend and he said his final piece, made the conscious choice to let everything go. Then he visited Sherlock’s empty grave and did the same. He admits that he’s not sure whether it will “stick”, especially in the latter case, but he wants to try. He has requested that, once this class ends, we add elements of anger management into our appointments once per week as a maintenance dose of sorts.

John’s newly-acknowledged sexuality seems to be the primary factor in his healing. At the urging of his sister, he went out to a gay bar with a friend to test his ability to be thought of as gay in a public place. He admitted to having a single drink at the start of the night to help him relax into the situation, but believes it won’t be necessary in the future. He was vague on the details of the evening, but whatever happened there that night helped John come to terms with his sexuality, and he is ready to take steps to live authentically. His search for a suitable label has been consuming his thoughts of late, but he’s ultimately decided to drop the subject. He may be bisexual, but going forward he plans to pursue sex and romance with men only, and with Sherlock specifically. He assures me that even if things with Sherlock never progress to romance, he wants to live openly as a gay man, because “it’s who I am, with or without Sherlock.”

Now that he has acknowledged his sexuality openly, many of his other problems seem to be falling away. At this point, John has addressed most of the triggers for his self-loathing and anger. All he has left is the day-to-day incorporation of management techniques and the ongoing process of changing his internal dialogue. Right now, negative self-talk is automatic for him. Between his classes and our self-compassion exercises, though, he feels he’s making progress and has the tools he needs to change over time.

At the end of our session, I thanked John for his comments about mental health in both his press conference and blog post from last week. They are yet more evidence of his new openness and healing, and I’m pleased to see him passing that healing on to others.

  
  
**Next Appointment:** 26/1/2017

 

 

 


	45. Text thread with John on Tuesday, January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for today. Tomorrow is FOUR chapters, so be ready! Make sure you didn't miss the other two chapters today. ;)

 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:05 AM   
I finished my letter and I don’t want to wait until tomorrow to give it to you 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:05 AM   
Can I come over for lunch?

**_sent_** / 11:06 AM  
You never need to ask to come over. You’re always welcome 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:06 AM   
Thanks. I’m just leaving from Ella’s, so I’ll be there shortly. 

**_sent_** / 11:07 AM  
Is Watson with you today?

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:07 AM   
No, sorry, I dropped her off with Molly this morning so I could focus on my therapy 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:07 AM   
I don’t mind having her there, but it makes it harder for me to talk about the more unpleasant stuff

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:08 AM   
I feel guilty exposing her to that, even though I know she can’t possibly understand 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:08 AM   
She might pick up on my moods, though

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:09 AM   
Anyway, yeah. Rambling. Just me today, sorry to disappoint

**_sent_** / 11:09 AM  
Your company is never a disappointment

 ** _sent_** / 11:10 AM  
I love Watson and want to see her as often as possible, but you are always welcome on your own merits, John

 ** _sent_** / 11:10 AM  
I’m overstepping again. It’s not my place to demand visits with her

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ I’ve said too much, I’m sorry, I have no right to _

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:11 AM   
No, I love that you want to see her. That you love her.

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:11 AM   
She needs you. And she loves you, too. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:11 AM   
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:12 AM   
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:12 AM   
Okay, look, I just have to say

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:13 AM   
I’m going to come over, I’m going to eat lunch with you, then I’m going to put the letter in the pocket of your coat and leave immediately

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:13 AM   
Because I’m going to be crawling out of my skin until you read it 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:14 AM   
And you don’t have to reply right away if you don’t want to but

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:15 AM   
I don’t know

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:15 AM   
I’m almost there

**_sent_** / 11:16 AM  
Whatever it is, it’s okay, John

 ** _sent_** / 11:16 AM  
Do you want to skip lunch? Just drop off the letter and leave?

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:17 AM   
Yes. Please

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:17 AM   
Wait, no

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:17 AM   
I want to see you for a little bit, at least

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:18 AM   
I’m an arse 

**_sent_** / 11:18 AM  
You’re not. Don’t talk about yourself like that 

**_sent_** / 11:19 AM  
Decide when you get here. When you walk in the door, if you want to leave the letter and turn right back around, you can. And if you want to stay, you can 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:19 AM   
Okay

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:19 AM   
Okay, yeah

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:20 AM   
Thanks, Sherlock

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:20 AM   
Cab is pulling up right now 

**John Hamish Watson** / 11:20 AM   
See you in a minute

**_sent_** / 11:21 AM  
See you soon

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ What is so horrible that you can’t even stand to be in a room with me? _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you aaaaalllllllll <3


	46. John’s letter, written on January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be four chapters today! The first two will be normal length, and the second two will be very short, just so you’re mentally prepared and not disappointed. Subscribe, follow on tumblr, or check back later to make sure you don't miss any of them!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Brief mention of past abuse of a minor, homophobia

 

[Written on plain white paper and sealed in an envelope with “For Sherlock” written on the front, then left in Sherlock’s coat pocket]

 

Dear Sherlock,

I’ve been staring at this blank piece of paper for way too long.

How to even start?

I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring what you said in your last letter. Honestly… I would love to move back to 221B with Rosie. I really would. I’m desperate to, actually. But I can’t have that conversation until after I’m done with anger management, okay? For your safety, and for mine. In the meantime, I have something else that I’ve been wanting to tell you for years. I don’t know how much of this you’ve already deduced, but I’m going to pretend it’s none of it, for the sake of full disclosure.

Jesus, I’m so bloody nervous.  

It’s fine, though. It’s all fine.

I want to tell you. I need to tell you.

 

I’m gay too, Sherlock.

 

Maybe bisexual, I’m not completely sure, but… I think it’s at least possible that I’ve always been gay. I’m questioning everything now. But it doesn’t entirely matter which it is, to me, because I’m not planning on ever having another woman in my life, okay?  

That first night at Angelo’s, when you thought I was coming on to you and you turned me down, but I said I wasn’t asking?

Yeah, looking back, I think I was asking.

I didn’t mean to. As soon as it happened I had an immediate crisis of ‘I don’t do that anymore, I left that back in Afghanistan, it was just the convenience,’ and so on. I was a bit of a slag in the army, I’m embarrassed to admit. Had something of a reputation for being willing to get on my knees.

God, I’m such an oblivious idiot. How did I not realize?

Actually, I know the answer to that. And I’m supposed to be kinder to myself these days, so. Here’s the reason.

This part I’m almost sure you’ve deduced already, but… yeah, my dad was pretty horrible to Harry and I. He beat us, especially me, and he was always accusing me of being gay because of the music I listened to, the sports I played, the friends I had. So, I have to apologize for all the times over the years that I’ve shouted that I wasn’t gay like the idea horrified me. It was never because I had a problem with it. It was because every time someone got anywhere close to questions of my sexuality, it hit on all of this mess in my head, and it was like a roaring rage inside my skull. Now I realize that rage was my father screaming at me that no son of his would be a filthy queer and I needed to get my shit straight or he’d kill me himself. So I brushed it off, justified it. Men were only for in the army or a fumble while drunk because everyone does that, don’t they? Don’t they?

But they don’t. They really don’t, and definitely not as often as I have.

I know this is a lot. I’m sorry.

I think I’ve finally dealt with it all, though. I went to my father’s grave on Sunday and shouted at him until I was hoarse. Told him I turned out to be a filthy queer anyway, and he’s dead, and there’s nothing he can do about it anymore. When I went out with Molly the other night? We went to a gay bar. I needed to know if I could be publicly thought of as queer. If I could be out. Completely out.

And I can. I need to be. I’m… god, I’m so much happier, Sherlock. You said I looked different yesterday—well, I feel different, and this is why. I feel like... myself.

And now that I’ve said all that, I also feel like even more of a spectacular arse for leaving you hanging after you wrote me your letter about Irene and Victor and all that, because I haven’t even finished this letter yet and I’m already going out of my mind waiting for your reaction. Which I’m sure will be… well, no, actually, I have no idea. I don’t know if you already suspected, or knew. I don’t know if you’ll even care. But this was a really huge thing for me. This was the source of all my anger, all my self-hatred, my messed up marriage and history with girlfriends and… and more than that, too. This was almost all of it.

There’s a bit more, just one more thing I have to say… but it has to wait. Tomorrow is my last day of anger management, then I have Ella’s evaluation the next day. Can you wait that long? It feels impossible, but I have to. I have to. It’s important. Essential. I have to.

We’re so close to having everything out in the open. We’re almost free.

Now that you know this about me, I hope you can forgive me for all the times I was cruel. It will never happen again. I know who I am now.

And now you know me, too.

Always yours,  
John

 


	47. Text thread with John on Tuesday, January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of four chapters being posted today. Make sure you didn't miss chapter 47, because this will make no sense without it. Two more chapters coming, but both very short just FYI. Subscribe/follow on tumblr/check back later for more.

 

 ** _sent_** / 11:39 AM  
John

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I_

 ** _sent_** / 11:42 AM  
You would think I would know what to say

 ** _sent_** / 11:42 AM  
Having been in your position just last week

 ** _sent_** / 11:42 AM  
But I’m

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I’m a mess, I’m breathing hard, my chest hurts, this is_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _You were interested that first night, do you still_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Could you ever_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _This is_

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
Obviously I don’t have a problem with it

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
That would be ridiculous

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
And

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
What’s the thing I’m supposed to say

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
Thank you for telling me

 ** _sent_** / 11:43 AM  
And trusting me

 ** _sent_** / 11:44 AM  
I’m privileged to know the real you, John, truly, I am

 ** _sent_** / 11:44 AM  
You really did look different the other day and now I understand

 ** _sent_** / 11:45 AM  
You seemed lighter

 ** _sent_** / 11:45 AM  
More… at ease

 ** _sent_** / 11:45 AM  
Until I ruined it, but before then

 ** _sent_** / 11:46 AM  
Your father is horrible and I hate that he’s already dead so I can’t

 ** _sent_** / 11:46 AM  
I hate that man so much and I’ve never even met him

 ** _sent_** / 11:47 AM  
I’m glad you’re happier now. You deserve to be happy.

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Even if it’s with someone else_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I don’t know what to think_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I’m terrif_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I’m so terrified that you’re gay and you still won’t want me_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _But you said there’s more_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Is your more the same more that I_

 ** _sent_** / 11:49 AM  
We’re going to talk about this, right?

 ** _sent_** / 11:49 AM  
The rest of it

 ** _sent_** / 11:49 AM  
You said there’s one more thing

 ** _sent_** / 11:49 AM  
I

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:50 AM   
Yes. There’s more. And we’ll talk soon.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:50 AM   
I just have to

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:50 AM   
I need the okay from Ella first. I need to know I’m getting better.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:51 AM   
And you

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:51 AM   
You said before

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:51 AM   
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:52 AM   
You said there’s more for you too? To talk about?

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Do you mean what I think you mean? Is this_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Should I_

 ** _sent_** / 11:53 AM  
Yes

 ** _sent_** / 11:53 AM  
There’s more

 ** _sent_** / 11:53 AM  
For me

 ** _sent_** / 11:53 AM  
Too

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Oh my god_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Having hope is even worse_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _John, do you_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Could you ever_

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:55 AM   
Good

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:55 AM   
That’s

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:55 AM   
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:55 AM   
Good

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:56 AM   
(...)

 ** _sent_** / 11:57 AM  
I do have a question about when you…

 ** _sent_** / 11:57 AM  
Went out

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _No, I can’t_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _It’s none of my business_

 ** _sent_** / 11:58 AM  
No I don’t. Never mind

 ** _sent_** / 11:58 AM  
How is Watson today?

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:59 AM   
What’s your question?

 **John Hamish Watson** / 11:59 AM   
I don’t mind answering

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I can’t_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I’m jealous_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I have no right_

 ** _sent_** / 12:01 PM  
Watson and I had fun on Monday

 ** _sent_** / 12:01 PM  
I think next time she’s here I’ll try a

 ** _sent_** / 12:02 PM  
Thing

 ** _sent_** / 12:02 PM  
I don’t know what I’m saying

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:03 PM   
Okay, well

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:03 PM   
I didn’t

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:03 PM   
Just so you know

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:04 PM   
When I was there

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:04 PM   
I didn’t

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:04 PM   
In case you were wondering

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Thank you_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I don’t know if I coul_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _I just_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Having hope is terrible_

 ** _sent_** / 12:06 PM  
Thank you

 ** _sent_** / 12:06 PM  
I mean

 ** _sent_** / 12:06 PM  
Sorry you didn’t get

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _Sex?_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _This is unbearable_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _How am I supposed to_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _What do I say?_

 **_typing..._ ** _  
_ _My brain has completely stopped functioning_

 ** _sent_** / 12:07 PM  
I’m going to stop talking now

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:08 PM   
Okay

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:08 PM   
But we’re good?

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:08 PM   
You and me, we’re okay?

 ** _sent_** / 12:09 PM  
Of course, John

 ** _sent_** / 12:09 PM  
Always

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:10 PM   
Yes. Always.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:10 PM   
I’ll see you tomorrow morning with Rosie.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:11 PM   
But call or text before then if you need

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:11 PM   
If you want to talk or

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:11 PM   
Yeah, stopping now is probably smart.

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:12 PM   
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 12:12 PM   
Bye.

 ** _sent_** / 12:13 PM  
Say hello to Watson for me.

 


	48. Text thread with Lestrade on Thursday, January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three of four for today. Make sure you didn't miss the others! One more very short one coming later.

 

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ I don’t _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ How am I supposed to _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ John is _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ It’s not my place to tell you any of this but _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ Can I rely on your discre _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ I need someone to talk to _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ Help me _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ Greg, please _

**_typing..._ ** _   
_ _ I _

**Give me a case** / 12:49 PM   
Everything okay, mate?

**Give me a case** / 12:50 PM   
Was about to text you for a case and saw you typing

**_sent_** / 12:50 PM  
Fine

 ** _sent_** / 12:50 PM  
What case?

**Give me a case** / 12:51 PM   
The forgery from this morning’s paper

**Greg Lestrade** / 12:51 PM   
Nothing dangerous, just wanted to have you look at some files

**Greg Lestrade** / 12:51 PM   
Can you stop by the Yard?

**_sent_** / 12:52 PM  
Yes.

**Greg Lestrade** / 12:53 PM   
John coming too?

**_sent_** / 12:53 PM  
No. 

**_sent_** / 12:53 PM  
Don’t tell him about it

**Greg Lestrade** / 12:54 PM   
(...)

**Greg Lestrade** / 12:55 PM   
Are you SURE everything’s okay?

**_typing..._ **   
_ Honestly, I have no idea _

**_typing..._ **   
_ Don’t talk to me about this when I _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I just need time to proc _

**_sent_** / 12:55 PM  
Be there in twenty

 


	49. Unsent texts to John, evening of January 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for today. Make sure you didn't miss the other three, 46-48. More tomorrow!

 

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _All the evidence, John_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _The evidence points toward one thing_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _But I can’t trust it_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I can’t let myself believe_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Sentiment distorts perception_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _The grit in the lens_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Everything in me is saying stop run smoke bury it don’t_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _But I won’t. I don’t want to._

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I want this_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I want you_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I just  
_  
**_typing..._ ** **_  
_** _I’ve never hoped for a deduction to be correct so badly in my life_

 

 


	50. Security camera footage summary, Baker Street, from Wednesday, January 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter today. Please don't hate me! It was the only way it made sense to break it up. You're getting four tomorrow, so it all works out. <3

 

Camera ID #28132  
Location: Baker Street, position 2  
Date: 25/1/2017  
Timestamp: 09:21:37 to 09:24:56  
Identified Persons: Gregory Lestrade, Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Rosamund Watson

 

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[Gregory Lestrade and Sherlock Holmes enter the field of view at 09:21:49 when the door to 221B Baker Street opens. SH stands in front of the open doorway, while GL walks a few paces onto the sidewalk out front]

 **GL:** You just seem really skittish, Sherlock. I’m worried, that’s all.

 **SH:** I’m not using again, if that’s what you’re worried about, so—

 **GL:** That’s not what I’m saying.

[GL grabs SH by the shoulder and forces him to meet his eyes]

 **GL:** There’s something going on that has you panicking, I can see it. Despite what you may think of me, I’m not blind.

 **SH:** I don’t think you’re blind, Greg.

[Greg takes a step back, startled]

 **GL:** Christ, I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to you actually using my name. _(He shakes his head)_ So you really won’t help today?

 **SH:** I can’t. I’m minding Watson for the day while John attends a class.

 **GL:** Oh. _(He blinks a few times)_ That’s actually rather sweet.

 **SH:** Oh, shut up.

 **GL:** No, really, that’s great, Sherlock. Does that mean it’s something to do with John that has you—

[Sherlock cuts him off with a gesture as a car pulls up at the curb a few spots down from 221B. John Watson climbs out of the driver’s seat and runs a hand through his hair, then opens the back door. He emerges with a bright yellow shoulder bag and Rosamund Watson in his arms. He closes the car door with one hip and walks toward 221B. SH, who had been staring transfixed, brushes a curl off his forehead and turns back to GL, shifting from foot to foot]

 **SH:** Just leave it. Please.

[As JW approaches, RW catches sight of SH and squeals happily. She reaches out for SH with both arms and nearly launches herself out of JW’s hold. Between the two of them, JW and SH keep her from falling. SH gathers her onto his hip with a hand on her bottom while JW holds onto her sides. JW and SH’s eyes meet for a long moment. A really long moment. Eventually Sherlock brings his other hand up to rub over RW’s back, and he places a kiss on her forehead. JW stares, breathing shallowly.]

 **GL:** _(Awkwardly)_ I, uh… _(He gestures down the road to where his car is parked)_ I’m just going to go. I’ll call you from the crime scene if I have questions.

 **SH:** _(Quiet, without looking away from JW)_ Thanks, Greg.

[GL leaves the frame of the shot at 09:23:02, looking back over his shoulder twice before he does. SH’s hand on RW’s back moves to cup the back of her head and he holds her closer, burying his nose in her hair and closing his eyes tight. JW drifts closer and lifts a hand to RW’s back, covering the spot SH’s hand just vacated.]

 **JW:** I have to go. I’ll be late.

 **SH:** I know.

[They are still for the next 30 seconds. Finally, JW leans in to press a kiss to Rosie’s cheek. SH’s respiration visibly speeds, and he squeezes his eyes shut again, even tighter, as if in pain]

 **JW:** I’ll see you in a few hours, love.

[SH’s eyes fly open and dart between JW and RW. JW runs his hand over RW’s back one more time and squeezes SH’s elbow with the other]

 **JW:** Bye.

[They maintain eye contact for a moment, then SH holds RW back from his chest to speak to her]

 **SH:** _(To RW)_ Can you say bye to Daddy?

[RW flails for a moment until SH turns so she can see JW. She flaps her hand at him and babbles brightly. JW smiles, shakes his head, and leans in to kiss her on the head again]

 **JW:** _(Roughly, choked up)_ Definitely going to be late.

 **SH:** Go.

[JW passes over the yellow bag, walks backward a few steps, then turns around to walk back to his car. He looks over his shoulder once to see SH carrying RW into 221B. When he reaches his car, JW pauses for a minute on the curb, takes a few deep breaths, and runs a hand through his hair again before getting in the car and driving off. SH stands in the open doorway of 221B with his back to the road for a long moment until his breathing slows. He closes the door behind him at 09:24:56]

<<<End Summary>>>

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: dangerous levels of UST, jsahdflajshd NOT SORRY


	51. Text thread with Lestrade on Wednesday, January 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four short chapters today! Subscribe/follow on tumblr/check back frequently for the rest.

 

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:04 AM   
Okay, what’s going on?

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:04 AM   
Seriously. That was INTENSE

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:05 AM   
Is this what had you all silent and tetchy at the Yard yesterday?

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:05 AM   
Did you tell him how you felt or something?

**_sent_** / 10:06 AM  
No

 ** _sent_** / 10:06 AM  
But

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ Did you know? That he’s _

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ He has something to say after _

**_sent_** / 10:07 AM  
I have new information that makes me think it might be possible?

 ** _sent_** / 10:07 AM  
Maybe

 ** _sent_** / 10:07 AM  
I don’t know

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:08 AM   
Oh REALLY

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:08 AM   
What information?

**_sent_** / 10:09 AM  
It’s not my place to say

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:09 AM   
Fine

**Greg Lestrade** / 10:09 AM   
I’ll text John

**_sent_** / 10:10 AM  
Fine

 


	52. Text thread with Lestrade on Wednesday, January 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of four chapters for today. Make sure you didn't miss 51!

 

 **Greg Lestrade** / 10:12  
Okay, Sherlock wouldn’t spill, so you have to

 **Greg Lestrade** / 10:12  
What was with the intense eye fucking?

 **Greg Lestrade** / 10:14  
John, come ON, you’re killing me here

 **Greg Lestrade** / 10:15  
Oh, you’re in class or something, Sherlock said

 **Greg Lestrade** / 10:15  
Fine, text me as soon as you get out

 

 ** _sent_** / 12:15   
So I check my phone during my 10 minute break from class, thinking all the buzzing is Sherlock sending me photos of Rosie or describing in detail her most recent nappy explosion and what it tells us about her digestive health

 ** _sent_** / 12:15   
And instead it’s you fishing for gossip like a bloody teenager

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:16  
Don’t mess with me, Watson

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:16  
Talk

 ** _sent_** / 12:16   
Don’t you have a crime scene to tend to?

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:16  
Nope. Get to typing

 ** _sent_** / 12:16   
And here I was planning to see if you wanted to grab a bite after my class lets out so I could tell you then

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:17  
Yes to the food, no to the waiting

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:17  
Give me the quick version while you’re still on break and you can elaborate at our usual at 2:30

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:17  
I assume his majesty will be fine watching Rosie for a little longer

 ** _sent_** / 12:17   
I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. I’ll text and ask

 ** _sent_** / 12:18   
In the meantime, here’s the short version

 ** _sent_** / 12:18   
...okay, yeah, here goes

 ** _sent_** / 12:19   
I’m gay

 ** _sent_** / 12:19   
Maybe bi, maybe not, I don’t know, that’s a conversation for the pub

 ** _sent_** / 12:19   
But I’m sorry for all the drama I’ve put the world through for years while I denied it

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:19  
And you came out to Sherlock?

 ** _sent_** / 12:20   
Yeah. Yesterday

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:20  
So you’re gonna go for it with him?

 ** _sent_** / 12:20   
I’m going to tell him how I feel, yeah. Tomorrow. The rest is up to him

 ** _sent_** / 12:20   
And apparently I’ve been so obvious that you instantly knew I’d be going for Sherlock, so that’s

 ** _sent_** / 12:21   
Unsurprising, actually

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:21  
I’m so bloody happy for you both

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:21  
FINALLY, damn. All your pints are on me today, mate

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:21  
Let me know when it’s official so I can buy you a bottle of champagne or something

 ** _sent_** / 12:22   
No pints or champagne for me right now, thanks. Trying to stay sober for a while. But you can definitely buy me some chips

 ** _sent_** / 12:22   
You seem awfully confident it’s going to work out

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:22  
I am

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:22  
And you should be too, especially after today

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:22  
That was downright uncomfortable

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:22  
Reminded me of when you two first met. It was unbearable

 ** _sent_** / 12:23   
Ha, yeah, that was the first time I’d seen him since I came out to him

 ** _sent_** / 12:23   
It was definitely… something

 ** _sent_** / 12:23   
I hope that means he wants this with me

 ** _sent_** / 12:23   
I’ve been in love with him for so long, Greg

 ** _sent_** / 12:23   
All I want is to be with him

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:24  
(...)

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:24  
Mate, you two are going to be nauseatingly happy together

 ** _sent_** / 12:24   
If he says yes

 ** _sent_** / 12:24   
Teacher is glaring at me

 ** _sent_** / 12:24   
Sherlock said he’s fine with Rosie for as long as we want

 ** _sent_** / 12:25   
See you at 2:30. Have those chips ready for me

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:25  
You got it, mate

 


	53. Text thread with Lestrade on Wednesday, January 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the third of four chapters today. Make sure you didn't miss chapters 51 & 52!

 

 ** _sent_** / 12:28 PM  
I’m fine watching Watson so you and John can go to the pub

 ** _sent_** / 12:28 PM  
But I would like to remind you that if you breathe a word of our discussions to John, I know of no less than a dozen ways to kill you for which I’d never be caught

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:29 PM   
Please, mate, after all this time? I’m not about to rob you two of your chance to finally get your shit together

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:29 PM   
Besides, friends don’t tell each other’s business

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:29 PM   
I’ve got your back

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:30 PM   
God knows you need it

 ** _sent_** / 12:31 PM  
[watsons nappy 25012017-2.jpg]

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:31 PM   
Christ, Sherlock, I said I wouldn’t tell him!

 ** _sent_** / 12:31 PM  
Sorry. Right.

 ** _sent_** / 12:31 PM  
What you said was

 ** _sent_** / 12:32 PM  
Good

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:32 PM   
Thanks, mate. Happy to be here for you

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:33 PM   
If only so I can bask in how right I’ve been for the past seven years

 ** _sent_** / 12:33 PM  
[watsons nappy 25012017-2.jpg]

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:34 PM   
I deserved that one

 **Greg Lestrade** / 12:34 PM   
Nice filter choice

 ** _sent_** / 12:35 PM  
Thank you

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is such crack askjdgfajshgd


	54. Text thread with Sherlock on Wednesday, January 25th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of four chapters posted today. Make sure you saw chapters 51, 52, and 53! See you tomorrow. <3

 

 ** _sent_** / 14:32

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:33  
You’re done?

 ** _sent_** / 14:33  
Yes. I have an appointment with Ella tomorrow afternoon to go over what I’ve learned and be evaluated

 ** _sent_** / 14:34  
Then, after she gives me the all clear…

 **_typing..._ **  
_Sherlock, I_

 ** _sent_** / 14:35  
I’d like to take you out. Tomorrow evening. Just us.

 ** _sent_** / 14:35  
I already have a minder for Rosie, and I’ve made reservations at Angelo’s.

 ** _sent_** / 14:35  
I’m ready to ask for your forgiveness. And I have one more letter to give you.

 ** _sent_** / 14:35  
If you’re amenable.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:36  
Yes.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:36  
(...)

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:37  
Yes.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:37  
Tomorrow evening.

 ** _sent_** / 14:37  
7pm. I’ll stop by 221B and we’ll walk to Angelo’s together. Sound good?

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:38  
Yes.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:38  
Perfect.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:38  
Thank you.

 ** _sent_** / 14:39  
Greg says hello, by the way.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:39  
Hello.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:39  
(...)

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:39  
Tell him I said thanks

 ** _sent_** / 14:41  
He said “Good things, Sherlock”

 ** _sent_** / 14:41  
Whatever that means

 ** _sent_** / 14:42  
Anyway, I’m not a bloody messenger service, text each other if you have something to say

 ** _sent_** / 14:42  
I’ll see you later to get Rosie

 ** _sent_** / 14:42  
Then... tomorrow evening, Sherlock

 **typing...** **  
** _I can’t wait. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I hope you_

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:43  
Tomorrow evening. Yes.

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 14:44  
(...)

 


	55. Ella’s notes on Sherlock Holmes, Thursday, January 26th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters today! Subscribe/follow on tumblr/check back later for the next two chapters!

 

 **Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  W. Sherlock S. Holmes                                                                                                                  Date:   26/1/2017  
DOB:  6/1/1979                                                                                                                             Appointment Time:    9:00 AM  
Record Number:  024175WSH  

Session Format  : Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [X]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [X]   Ideation, but no plan [  ]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: I’m not yet comfortable removing the suicidal indicator, considering how recent his last brush with suicide was, but he seems to be developing much healthier attitudes. More in notes summary.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Newly cut hair, fresh faced, well-rested, new suit?  
Mood: Anxious [X]   Depressed [  ]   Angry [  ]   Sad [  ]   Euphoric [X]   Contemplative [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Attention: Appropriate [  ]   Distracted [  ]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [X]   Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [  ]  Minimal [  ]   Rambling [X]   Frantic [X]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [  ]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [  ]   Volatile [  ]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [X]   Subdued [  ]   Other [  ]:

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]   Delusions [  ]   Sleep Problems [X]   Appetite Problems [X]   Drug/Alcohol Abuse [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken  : Withdrawal symptoms have been absent for a full two weeks now with no relapse. Sherlock reports better sleeping and eating habits over the past four days since completing his not-assignments. I hope to see him continue in this new direction and will consider removing these indicators after one month of healthy eating and sleeping.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** In the week since our last session, Sherlock has attacked his self-care assignments with the single-minded focus he applies to all his experimental pursuits. He arrived at his appointment with a folder full of notes, analysis, and charts, with full citations. He has kept a log of his food intake (still largely takeout and toast, but more frequent), charted his sleep (irregular, but increased), and created a very detailed spreadsheet with various activities and their associated pleasure rating. He’s even done a variety of statistical analyses on his data to account for variables such as the presence of friends, amount of sleep, etc. He has come to realize that he’s been harshly judging himself for enjoying anything other than mental pursuits, and is now willingly seeking emotional and physical pleasure as well. He provided quite a lot of information on the latter topic. With more spreadsheets.

He’s been working his way through a list of things he believes will bring him happiness, and though I’m concerned about the almost manic nature of his quest, it’s perfectly in line with his typical behavior. I’m willing to write it off as a quirk of personality for now, though I’ll be watching carefully for any signs of a subsequent crash after this intense pleasure-seeking behavior. In the meantime, the things he’s been pursuing have been quite positive. He treated himself to several things he formerly considered beneath him and spent an evening out with a longtime acquaintance and colleague, Greg, whom he now counts as a friend and confidant. His conversation with Greg inspired one of his greatest moments of progress this week: He has acknowledged the abrasive front he puts up to protect himself and admitted that he wished it wasn’t expected of him all the time.

Which brings us, as always, to John. Sherlock has been aware of the nature and depth of his feelings for John for years, but his conversation with Greg helped him admit things that he wants for himself: to be a husband to John and a father to John’s daughter. Even now, he appears quite bashful, almost ashamed, to want these things. When I asked whether he’d spoken to John about his feelings yet he said no, but blushed and hid his face as a smile started to take over. Apparently John asked him to have dinner tonight, alone, and Sherlock is doing everything he can to avoid getting his hopes up, but he’s nervous, excited, and happier than I’ve ever seen him. He attempted to present me with another set of notes on the pants and shirts he owns and their associated effect on John, but patient confidentiality prevents me from getting involved to that degree.

I concluded our session by asking how he felt about John’s progress in anger management in relation to their past violence. Sherlock’s brightness dimmed a bit, but he agreed that the courses seemed to be doing John a lot of good. He described the same moment in the park that John did on Tuesday, relating to Sherlock’s fake suicide, and noted that John dealt with the situation well. He finally acknowledged that John’s violence is a problem, that he did not deserve to be beaten, and that he does not intend to allow it in the future, should it ever come up again, though he doesn’t believe it will. These commitments still feel quite new and raw coming from him,  but I do believe he is finally beginning to develop some sense of who he is and what kind of care he needs and deserves. I am pleased with his progress and look forward to seeing him continue his new, better habits through our next appointment.  


**Next Appointment:** 2/2/2017

 

 


	56. Ella’s notes on John Watson, Thursday, January 26th appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second of three chapters today. Make sure you didn't miss chapter 55!

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson                                                                                                                        Date: 26/1/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976                                                                                                                      Appointment Time: 2:00pm  
Record Number:  084652JHW  

Session Format  : Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment  :  Suicidal [  ]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview  : None [  ]   Ideation, but no plan [  ]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : 

**General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Well put together as always, but with an extra layer of polish today, it seems  
Mood: Anxious [  ]   Depressed [  ]   Angry [  ]   Sad [  ]   Euphoric [  ]   Contemplative [  ]   Other [X]: Eager  
Attention: Appropriate [  ]   Distracted [  ]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [X]   Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [X]   Minimal [  ]   Rambling [  ]   Frantic [  ]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [X]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [  ]   Volatile [  ]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [X]   Subdued [  ]   Other [X]: Determined

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]   Delusions [  ]   Sleep Problems [X]   Appetite Problems [  ]   Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]  
Detail/Action Taken  : John has refrained from drinking entirely since our last appointment. He continues to lose sleep while processing all the changes in his life and thinking of Sherlock, but nothing out of the ordinary.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** John walked into the office today practically glowing. He came out to Sherlock on Tuesday, which brought him incredible relief, and ever since then he believes they have been dancing around “something”, though he’s hesitant to truly speculate on Sherlock’s feelings for him. He didn't even want to talk about their date tonight, which he is so looking forward to, because he didn’t want to “jinx it”. I praised his mature, controlled decision to wait until after our appointment today to pursue Sherlock, which brought us to the primary item on our agenda: the review of John's case notes from his anger management course.

The facilitator was very thorough and his comments (attached) are promising. Between the course, our work together here, and his acceptance of his sexuality, I feel that if John can continue on his current path he will be unlikely to repeat his past violence, though we will continue to incorporate anger management into our regular sessions and watch his progress carefully. He broke down in the middle of our review when the topic of his past violence toward Sherlock came up, and he admitted to an ongoing struggle with negative self-talk regarding those incidents. "I know where it came from now, but it doesn't excuse it. Even if he forgives me, it'll still be a while before I forgive myself, I think." He acknowledges the need for self-compassion in this regard, and will continue to work on it. He’ll need some practice putting his new tools to use in everyday life, but I believe he has the support he needs from friends and family to stay true. He is not at 100%, but he has worked hard over the past month, has been honest and committed. I believe he is on the road to long-term recovery, and is in a position to begin a healthy romantic relationship. He thanked me for my help, and by the end of our session he was laughing through his tears. "I can't believe I'm doing this. It's really happening. I'm actually taking Sherlock Holmes out tonight." He laughed again. "I have... no idea what he's like in a relationship, but I hope I get to find out. I love him. Completely." 

Our two-appointments-per-week triage has been quite effective, but much of what he has left to work on must be done on his own, so we’ll be dropping back down to one appointment per week for the time being. I am leaving a block open on next Tuesday just in case he or Sherlock has a crisis tomorrow or over the weekend, but I don’t anticipate a need for it. John is nervous, but overflowing with everything that he feels for Sherlock and looking forward to their date tonight. I wished him the best of luck.*

_* — Not that he’s likely to need it. If appropriate, I will recommend couple’s counseling at next appointment to promote a healthy start to this relationship and encourage continued good communication._

**Next Appointment:** 2/2/2017

 

 


	57. Sherlock’s notes, evening of Thursday, January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the third and final chapter for today, so make sure you didn't miss chapters 55 & 56\. Three more chapters tomorrow!

 

[printed out and laying on top of Sherlock’s folder of data for Ella]

 

 **Shirt Color:** Dark Blue **  
****Pros:** Brings out eyes; flatters skin; dark color accentuates body shape; recently purchased and tailored; John tends to stand closer; Blue is calming/soothing; my favorite; goes well with scarf **  
****Cons:** John is likely to wear blue to bring out his eyes (IF he is viewing this as a date), may view matching unfavorably (or not?); might have associations with our time chasing Mary **  
** **John Approval Rating:** 9

 **Shirt Color:** White **  
****Pros:** Lightly translucent, which John finds distracting; variety of suit options **  
****Cons:** Particularly vulnerable to spills; plain **  
** **John Approval Rating:** 8

 **Shirt Color:** Black **  
****Pros:** Flatters skin; black is a sensual color; comfortable **  
****Cons:** Older; not as well tailored to current shape; less eye-catching; black or grey suit only **  
** **John Approval Rating:** 7

 **Shirt Color:** Deep Red **  
****Pros:** Color is romantic and sensual; has a slight sheen that captures the eye; causes John to linger while looking at my chest **  
****Cons:** Only goes with one of the black suits, limits options; too overtly date-like?; washes out complexion **  
** **John Approval Rating:** 9

 **Shirt Color:** Gunmetal Gray **  
****Pros:** \- **  
****Cons:** Bad memories associated  
**John Approval Rating:** -

 **Shirt Color:** Pale Blue **  
****Pros:** Newer; good condition; soft; tailored for my current shape **  
****Cons:** Same issue re: dark blue.  
**John Approval Rating:** Has John seen this one? May have worn while high…

 **Shirt Color:** Dove Gray **  
****Pros:** Wore this shirt when I held him on my birthday **  
****Cons:** Might be associated with sadness/Mary/negative feelings from that day  
**John Approval Rating:**???

 

[Notes added in blue pen]

Result: Deep Red or Dark Blue. Reference reaction matrix for suit trousers; color of John’s preferred suit will likely determine the choice.

Is this really a date? Am I imagining

One hour to go. Make a decision.

Blue.

John likes the blue best.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it's popping up in the comments a lot: The Purple Shirt of Sex(tm) was from series 2, and we haven't seen it since. I highly doubt he'd still have it in his possession four years later! I know, I know, I love it too, but to be honest? I love that dark blue shirt more!


	58. Security camera footage summary, Baker Street, evening of January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random bonus chapter, because most people on tumblr voted that they'd rather die extra hard tonight and have one of tomorrow's chapters bumped up to today. Uh. Hope you're still okay with that.

 

Camera ID #28132  
Location: Baker Street, position 2  
Date: 26/1/2017  
Timestamp: 22:19:07 to 22:23:41  
Identified Persons: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson

 

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[Sherlock Holmes and John Watson enter the field of view at 22:19:16. Both are laughing, their shoulders bumping every other step. Their cheeks are flushed and their eyes are bright]

 **JW:** That was one of our best, wasn’t it?

[SH glances at JW and smiles, then looks forward again. They shift closer so their arms are in constant contact as they walk]

 **SH:** It was.

[JW sneaks a quick look at SH, then nods to himself]

 **JW:** Are you missing the real cases yet? Dying to sink your teeth into a good serial murder?

 **SH:** _(Smiling)_ Actually, no. Well, only in a... distant sort of way. I enjoy the puzzle and the thrill of the chase… doing something good.

[JW’s head snaps up, his eyebrows raised. SH’s smile softens]

 **SH:** But I’m not bored. Not at all. I’m fine sticking with the simple cases until we think the time is right.

[JW blinks hard a few times, his lips pressed together, and lays a hand at the small of SH’s back to guide him to a stop in front of the door to 221 Baker Street. JW lets his hand fall away and takes a deep breath]

 **JW:** Tonight was perfect. Thank you again, Sherlock. For forgiving me. You truly didn’t have to, and I appreciate it. I promise, I’ll earn it every day. I’ll keep working hard. For you.

[SH’s lips part and he stares down at JW, pained]

 **SH:** John…

[JW reaches into his jacket and withdrawing an envelope. He steps closer and presses the envelope to SH’s chest, holding it there with one hand.]

 **JW:** There’s one more thing I have to tell you. _(He takes a breath)_ This is my last letter, Sherlock. The last thing I have to reveal. Then you’ll know everything.

[SH lifts one hand to cover John’s where it rests against his chest, holding the letter. They stand there for a long moment, their breaths coming faster, until John slowly reaches his other hand up to cup SH's jaw. SH’s eyes fall shut, and JW guides him down until he can press their cheeks together. They hold the position for nearly a full minute until JW brushes his lips over SH’s cheek and pulls back. Both are flushed red and breathing irregularly]

 **JW:** _(Rough)_ Go inside and read the letter right now, okay? Go or I won’t be able to make myself leave.

 **SH:** What if I don’t want you to leave?

[JW closes his eyes and grins, looks away, then presses his lips together and looks back up at SH. For a second he sways closer, then he takes a deep breath and two steps back]

 **JW:** Go read the letter, Sherlock. Then let me know your answer when you’re ready.

 **SH:** John—

 **JW:** Good night, Sherlock.

[JW pulls his car keys from his pocket and walks backward a few steps, runs a hand through his hair, looking pained, then turns and strides back to his car, out of the field of view. SH drops his keys in his haste to unlock the door and get inside, the letter clutched in one hand. He slams the door behind him, leaving the field of view at 22:23:38]

<<<End Summary>>>

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is now gorgeous art for this chapter!
> 
> [Art by Khorazir](https://khorazir.tumblr.com/post/158166906198/security-camera-footage-baker-street-evening-of) | [Art by Barbora](http://his--last--bowtie.tumblr.com/post/158133702149/its-almost-4-am-and-i-blame-librarylock-for)
> 
> Thank you so very extremely super muchly, you talented people!


	59. John’s letter on Thursday, January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go back and re-read the previous chapter to get in the right frame of mind.

 

[written in black ink on brand new, heavy weight paper in a simple off white, carefully creased and tucked inside an unadorned envelope]

 

Dear Sherlock,

I want to come home.

I miss you. I miss you all the time, and all I want is to move back to 221B with you. It’s always been the place that feels the most like home to me, and I want Rosie to call it home, too. I want you to mean home to her, like you do to me.  

But it’s not just moving in with a flatmate anymore. Or at least, I don’t want it to be.

I want to be yours, Sherlock.

I’ve been in love with you for years, and I’m so sorry that I denied it for so long, but I want to be yours, and god, Sherlock, I want you to be mine. When I move back home, I want to move into your bedroom, not the bedroom upstairs. When I move back in, I want it to be forever. In some ways I feel like we’ve already been together for seven fucked up years and I just want… I just want to be with you. I just want to love you. We’ve worked so hard, made so much progress. Can we please put down the burdens we’re carrying and just be happy? Can we be happy, Sherlock? Even if it’s not romantically, or if it’s romantic but not physical, or however you want. I just want to be happy with you and Rosie.

I said before that I wanted more. When I said that, I meant with  you, Sherlock. I wanted more with you. I did before you jumped. I did after you came back. I did while I was married. And I still do.

I’m not magically fixed. I’m not all better. I might still slip. We still have challenges ahead. But if we wait to be whole, to be healed, to be perfect? We’ll never make it. Maybe at this point it’s about accepting each other’s brokenness, loving anyway, and working together to move forward. I’m working hard to be the man I want to be. The kind of man you deserve. And if you’ll give me the honor, I will work to deserve you every day for the rest of my life.

I wanted to say this in person for the first time, to see your face, to give you those words in my own voice, but it’s more important to me that you have a choice:

If you don’t want this with me, or you don’t feel safe in a relationship with me, you can crumple up this letter, throw it away, and we’ll still be everything we are to each other now. You will still be my best friend, the most important person in my life after Rosie. You will still be Rosie’s godfather, and you’ll still be allowed to love her and help raise her and be everything you want to her. We can still live together and be a family, if you want that. I’ll still move back home, if you want me to.

But if you do want this with me…

If you want more, Sherlock…

Take as long as you need to think it over. Let me know what you choose.

No matter what, I will always love you, and I will always be by your side.

Always.

With all my heart,  
John

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More chapters later. <3


	60. Text thread with John on Thursday, January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter for today, and it won't make any sense if you missed chapter 59.

 

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 PM  
Come back

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 PM  
Please

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 PM  
John

 ** _sent_** / 10:28 PM  
Turn around

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I need to tell you, need to touch you, need_

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _Please_

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:29 PM   
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:29 PM   
Are you sure, Sherlock?

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:29 PM   
You have to be absolutely sure

 ** _sent_** / 10:30 PM  
YES

 ** _sent_** / 10:30 PM  
Please come back, John

 **_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _I’m sure, I’m completely sure, ple_

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:30 PM   
Thank god

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:31 PM   
(...)

 **John Hamish Watson** / 10:31 PM   
Because I never left

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A+ to those who called it. My original plan was to leave it there for the day, but since I bumped everything up by one chapter yesterday, you'll be getting one more today. <3


	61. Security camera footage summary, Baker Street, evening of Thursday, January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the third of three chapters today, and it'll make zero sense if you haven't read chapters 59 & 60\. Please read the end note as well.

 

Camera ID #28132  
Location: Baker Street, position 2  
Date: 26/1/2017  
Timestamp: 22:31:58 to 22:39:20  
Identified Persons: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson

 

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[John Watson jogs back into the frame from the direction of his car just as Sherlock Holmes throws the door to 221B open. SH rushes out onto the pavement, and when they spot each other they both freeze. SH’s eyes are red and his face is wet. JW breathes hard and presses his lips together, visibly holding back tears. He looks down, licks his lips, then looks back up at SH]

**JW:** Yes?

[SH looks away as a smile slowly takes hold, then glances back up at JW. His eyes dart over JW’s face and body, taking in everything. He closes his eyes huffs a small laugh]

**SH:** _Yes._

[JW takes two long steps forward and they crash together, wrap their arms around each other and hold on tight, taking deep, gasping breaths. They stay like that for a full two minutes, swaying gently, until SH turns his face in to press his lips against JW’s temple. JW’s arms tighten around him]

**JW:** _(Ragged, hoarse)_ You want me?

[SH either laughs or sobs. Possibly both]

**SH:** _(Watery, nasal)_ Obviously. 

[JW laughs, and it’s like they’ve unpaused, hands running through hair, over shoulders and backs and sides. After another long moment, they pull back enough to meet each other’s eyes, their foreheads resting together. JW runs his thumbs over SH’s cheekbones, then over SH’s bottom lip. He pulls back for just a moment, looks into SH’s eyes. Then he leans in and kisses him. They part and come together several times with slow kisses until one of them starts laughing. It sets off the other until they’re both laughing with their hands on each other’s faces, noses bumping together. Eventually they start kissing again with more confidence. JW’s hands drift to SH’s hips and he guides him back until they’re pressed up against the wall next to the open door of 221B. Their kisses get deeper and harder until JW presses his hips into SH’s. They both hum into the kiss and break apart, gasping. SH leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes, putting his hands over JW’s on his hips]

**SH:** Come upstairs.

**JW:** I can’t. I—  _ (He laughs)  _ God, I had to hire a minder for Rosie. I have to pick her up at eleven. I’m going to be late as it is.

**SH:** _(He groans)_ You’re joking.

**JW:** Afraid not. No one else was available. Trust me, I tried. 

**SH:** You can’t just leave me in this state. 

[He presses a hand to JW’s lower back and rolls his hips for emphasis. They both groan quietly]

**SH:** I’m coming with you.

**JW:** Yes.  _ (He leans up and presses a hard kiss to SH’s mouth)  _ Yes, please, let me take you back to my place. 

**SH:** Not your place for long, I hope.

**JW:** No. I want to come home. If you’ll have me. 

**SH:** I intend to have you as many ways as you’ll let me.

[One of them snorts, and they’re off laughing again. They sober after a moment, and SH presses a kiss to JW’s upturned mouth]

**SH:** Please. Please come home. 

**JW:** I will. Of course I will. 

[They kiss one more time, then JW takes two steps back and blows out a long breath, stretching his arms out to his sides]

**JW:** Am I decent?

**SH:** _ (With an arched eyebrow)  _ I hope not. 

**JW:** _ (He barks a quick laugh)  _ Oh, you’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?  _ (He glances around, then subtly adjusts himself.) _

**SH:** I’m sure you expected no less. 

[SH adjusts himself in his trousers as well, but he keeps his eyes on JW’s and lingers over the task for a moment. JW licks his lips, staring at the front of SH’s trousers, then shakes himself]

**JW:** We really need to go. Right now. 

**SH:** Yes, yes, fine. But one more thing, first.  _ (A small smile)  _ The most important part.

[SH steps away from the wall, tips John’s face up toward his, kisses him one last time, then pulls back just far enough to speak]

**SH:** I’m in love with you, John Watson. 

[JW’s mouth wobbles, and he presses their foreheads together again]

**JW:** And I’m in love with you, Sherlock Holmes. 

[They smile and kiss one last time. JW reaches past SH to pull the door to 221 Baker Street shut, then takes one of SH’s hands and steps back, pulling him down the street.] 

**JW:** Let’s go get our girl. 

[They walk in the direction of JW’s car, hand-in-hand, until SH wraps an arm around JW shoulders instead and leans in to kiss the side of his head. JW slips his arm around SH’s waist, and they leave the field of view like that at 22:39:19]

<<<End Summary>>>

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider yourself warned—the next chapter will be rated M. You can easily skip that chapter without losing any plot if more mature content isn't your thing. There will be two chapters tomorrow.
> 
> Also, those of you who have noted the tone of these security footage transcripts will get a laugh out of tomorrow's second chapter. ;)
> 
> Thanks for all your love and screaming today, y'all. I adore you, truly. Absolutely makes my day bright. <3 <3 <3


	62. Surveillance transcript, John Watson’s car, evening of Thursday, January 26th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING: This chapter is rated M.** You can skip this chapter without losing any plot. There is no explicit on-screen sex, but it definitely earns the M rating vs. the T rating for the rest of this fic.
> 
> There will be one more very short chapter today.

 

Microphone ID# 734  
Placement: John Watson’s car, center console   
Placed by order of: c/n Anthea  
Date: 26/1/2017  
Timestamp: 22:39:45 to 23:22:18  
Identified Persons: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Rosamund Watson  
  


<<<Begin Transcript>>>

[The driver and passenger doors both slam shut. The driver takes a deep breath and lets it out, then starts the car and puts it in gear]

**SH:** _ (Passenger side)  _ How long will it take to get there?

**JW:** _ (Driver’s side)  _ About 35 minutes to the minder’s, just under 10 after that to the flat. At least there’s no traffic this time of night. God, I hate living so far out. 

**SH:** Good thing it won’t be for much longer. 

[A rustle of fabric]

**JW:** Yes. Very good thing. I can’t wait to be back home with you.

**SH:** I can’t wait to have you there. You and Watson both. It’ll be… good.  _ (He shifts in his seat)  _ 35 minutes, really? Boring. 

**JW:** Everything is boring to you. 

**SH:** Especially when the man I love is sitting right next to me with his trousers half-tented and I’m forbidden from doing anything about it. 

**JW:** Jesus.  _ (A breath)  _ Could you say that again?

**SH:** What, that your cock is h—

**JW:** The other part, you arse.

[SH chuckles, then hums]

**SH:** The man I love.

**JW:** God, that’s gorgeous to hear. I love you. 

[A quiet kiss.]

**SH:** I love you.  _ (Another chuckle)  _ Eyes on the road, John. 

**JW:** Well, you make it bloody difficult. You do know I’ve wanted you for years and you’re amazingly fit, yeah?

**SH:** I’m glad  _ you _ think so.

**JW:** Was that Victor bloke really your only boyfriend? You must have been beating the others away with a cricket bat. 

**SH:** Beating them away with my personality, more like. You proved surprisingly resilient. 

**JW:** Because you suit me right down to the ground, Sherlock Holmes. There’s no getting rid of me now.

**SH:** I’d never want to.  _ (A pause)  _ After Victor, I assumed Mycroft was right, that romantic entanglement was more trouble than it was worth, and I… shut everything down. Focused on intellect. The work. Until you. 

**JW:** Lucky for me. 

[A moment of silence]

**JW:** So you haven’t… uh…

**SH:** I haven’t had sex with a partner since then, no. I assume that’s what you’re failing to say. 

**JW:** Hah, uh… yeah, that was it. Not that it matters, I just… wanted to know. So I could… right.

**SH:** John, if you’re intending to go slow or handle me with kid gloves, please let me disabuse you of the notion immediately. Less experienced with partners doesn’t mean celibate. I know what I like, and I think you’ll be happy with my reciprocation as well. 

**JW:** Oh, I don’t doubt that. Hmm. So… you… take care of yourself, then?

**SH:** Of course I masturbate, John. Less often before you moved in. Significantly more frequently after you started accompanying me on cases. 

**JW:** _(Shifting in his seat)_ God, me too. I was always so keyed up after cases.

**SH:** I could hear you sometimes. 

**JW:** Oh god, that’s…hah… Well, it should probably be embarrassing, but—

**SH:** You like that I could hear you. I've always enjoyed the act, but when I could hear you…

**JW:** Sometimes I’d lay up in my room, right over your head, and tease myself for so long, imagining you coming upstairs or me going down. Somehow imagining me fucking you while high on adrenaline didn't count against being 'not gay'. 

**SH:** God, John… 

**JW:** You ever go slow like that?

**SH:** _(Shaky)_ More often lately. Letting myself take my time and enjoy it, use my collection more often.

**JW:** Collection? Of… oh my god, Sherlock Holmes has a collection of sex toys, Jesus Christ fucking hell.  _ (He breathes out hard)  _ Tell me. 

**SH:** Mostly prostate toys. You’ll be pleased to know I’m something of an insatiable bottom. 

**JW:** _ (Lower)  _ Mmm, yeah? I like it sometimes too, you know.

**SH:** Hmm, fine, we can switch occasionally. But I love it, John. And I suspect being with a doctor will have certain benefits. 

**JW:** Oh, I’ll take care of you, Sherlock, just you wait. 

**SH:** Yes, I look forward to it. I was surprised to learn how much experience you have with men, though I’m quite happy to reap the benefits. 

**JW:** Hah, yeah, I… don’t really know what to say about that. I’ve been an idiot. And a slag.

**SH:** There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, John, though I know it was more complicated than that for you. You seem  _ very _ fine with it now, though. 

**JW:** So fine. Extremely fine.  _ (A faint squeak—hands gripping the steering wheel?)  _ God, I can’t wait to get my hands on you. 

**SH:** Not just your hands, I hope.  The thought of you on your knees in the sand for some random soldier should make me horrifically jealous, but it seems to have a... rather different effect 

**JW:** Mm, you like imagining all us fit soldier boys with our hands and mouths all over each other?

**SH:** _ (He groans)  _ All those other men seeing you on your knees, your mouth stretched around their cocks, seeing you gag for it. I hate every single one of them, but I love the thought of you like that. I love that you did that. Do you know why, John?

**JW:** _ (Breathless)  _ Why?

**SH:** _(He chuckles, low and rough)_ You must really love sucking cock.

 **JW:** _(Babbling)_ God, I do, I really do, I always have, I can’t wait to get my mouth on you, Sherlock, I can’t wait to taste you. _(He takes a breath and releases it)_ And here I thought you just had a bit of a military kink and liked the thought of me in my uniform.

**SH:** Mm, yes, actually, that too. We’ll have to buy you some fatigues from the surplus.

[A drag of fabric]

**SH:** Ahh… 

**JW:** Are you…? Oh my god, Sherlock—

**SH:** Just…  _ (He groans)  _ ...adjusting. A bit. I won’t—ahh… don’t want the car to smell like sex when we pick up your daughter. 

**JW:** Bad enough I’m going to have a raging hard-on when we get there. God, the sight of you...

**SH:** I could take the edge off for you.

**JW:** _(Warningly)_ Sherlock…

**SH:** You’re considering it. Just the right bit of danger, bit of exhibitionism… I could suck you off right now and you’d be done well before we got to the minder’s house. We have just under twenty minutes. I suspect your refractory period is such that you could be ready to go again by the time we get Watson settled down for the night. 

**JW:** God, yeah, I could, but… I…

**SH:** It’s not the act itself that’s holding you back, so… 

**JW:** I didn’t particularly want our first time together to be in a bloody car…  _ (a rustle of fabric)  _ ahh, Jesus... 

**SH:** There’s plenty of time for slow and romance when you get me in your bed later.  _(Voice shifts to the driver’s side)_ Since when do we ever do anything the conventional way? 

[The sound of a zipper being pulled down]

**JW:** Oh my god, oh my god, oh—Ahh…

**SH:** Mmm…

**JW:** Jesus bloody hell, Sherlock, god—

**SH:** Both hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, John.

**JW:** Sorry, sorry, ahh…  

[They... continue for several minutes, JW swearing profusely, both men moaning and breathing heavily, building and slowing and building again until JW cries out and SH gives a satisfied hum]

**SH:** _(Whispered, still on the driver’s side)_ Perfect, perfect, I’ve wanted this for so long, thank you, John, thank you, I love you, I love you.

 **JW:** _(Ragged)_ I love you so much.

[A kiss]

**JW:** And not just because you gave me bloody fantastic oral on the A11. That was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done.

**SH:** And you invaded Afghanistan.

[Both men burst into laughter. Every time it starts to fade, something else starts it going again]

**JW:** What about you?

**SH:** _(Back on the passenger side)_ Mm, I’ll survive. Save it for you, for later. I took care of myself before our date. Just in case it _was_ a date. 

**JW:** Of course it was a date. Did you use your toys?

**SH:** I did.  _ (He shifts in his seat)  _ Probably wouldn’t take much preparation right now. 

**JW:** God, you wicked thing. I can’t believe I ever thought we’d go slow. 

**SH:** Honestly, John, nothing about our lives has ever been slow.

**JW:** _(Sober)_ Except us getting together. 

**SH:** Oh, don’t. This has been a perfect evening. We went on an actual date, Angelo’s cooking was delicious, your company was exquisite, you confessed your love for me, and I got to feel you come down my throat in a moving vehicle. And now I get to cuddle Watson before bed, then get slowly taken apart and shagged by the man I love for the first time. The last few years have had their utterly horrific moments, but I honestly can’t complain about a single thing right now. 

**JW:** You really mean that. Even after everything I’ve done to us. 

**SH:** No less than I’ve done to us, John. You said in your letter—it’s time for us to put all that down. Our past is complicated, but I’m more concerned with moving forward. What matters is that we got here, and that we… we take care of each other… and ourselves, going forward. We do better, from now on.  _ (A pause) _ Right?

**JW:** ...Right. Yes, absolutely. When did you get to be so wise?

**SH:** Since I started actually talking to Ella instead of paying her to let me glare at her for an hour, I think. And Greg and Molly, too. They’ve both been… good. Really good. 

**JW:** Yeah. They’ll be thrilled for us, you know. Greg was over the moon when I told him I was taking you out. 

**SH:** _(He makes a disgusted sound)_ God, they’ll be unbearably smug. I don’t think I can take it. You’ll have to tell them. I’ll just stay in bed, naked and waiting for you. 

**JW:** Mm, now there’s a mental image. This is our minder’s street. Are you decent to come to the door with me?

**SH:** Mostly. I’ll just button my coat. 

**JW:** Here we are. 

[The car slows to a stop, and the engine shuts off. Seat belt buckles release, then JW makes a surprised noise in the back of his throat. The sound of kissing follows]

**SH:** _ (Whispered)  _ I love you. My everything.

**JW:** _ (Also whispered)  _ Love of my life.

[Another kiss, then the doors open and close. A few minutes later, a faint happy squeal can be heard outside the car. The back seat door opens soon after]

**SH:** There you are, Watson, we’re going home.  _ (The car seat buckles click)  _ Well, not home, but that place you’ll be living for a few more days until you and Daddy move back to your real home. 

[A faint kiss from the back seat. The back door closes, then JW and SH return to their previous positions. The car starts again and drives on]

**JW:** You’re so good with her. I love that about you. 

[Rosamund Watson babbles from the back seat. A rustle of fabric, then SH’s voice comes from behind the microphone, likely leaning into the back seat]

**SH:** Now, Watson, I’m going to need to you sleep very soundly tonight. Your daddy and I have some very important business to see to. 

**JW:** You keep talking to her, we’ll never get her to go down for the night. She always gets excited when you’re around. 

**SH:** The car will put her to sleep. 

**JW:** I hope so. I’d certainly like to see to  _ your _ important business. 

**SH:** How long until we get to your place?

**JW:** About five more minutes. 

**SH:** Excellent. Perhaps if we’re silent for the next five minutes, she’ll fall asleep and stay asleep. 

**JW:** So we’re playing the quiet game?

**SH:** Don’t worry, I’ll be plenty loud for you later. 

**JW:**  God, that posh boy mouth of yours is going to be the death of me. 

**SH:** I’d rather be the life of you, if you don’t mind. 

**JW:** I don’t mind at all, love. 

[They are silent for the rest of the car ride. RW’s babbles eventually trail off until she, too, is silent.]

<<<End Transcript>>>

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all possible universes, John Watson will always ask Sherlock Holmes if he wanks. It is a fixed point.


	63. Letter of Resignation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for today. More tomorrow!

 

[The following letter is printed on plain copy paper with a signature in blue ink at the bottom and attached to the surveillance transcripts of January 26th with a paperclip]

 

To the Office of Mr. Mycroft Holmes:

I am writing to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Analyst for the SIS. It has been an honor to serve the crown in this capacity for the past twenty-five years.

As per my contract, I am providing two weeks’ notice of my departure. My last day will be 10 February 2017. Until then, I humbly request that I not be assigned any further transcription work from the standing order for surveillance materials relating to Mr. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson. While I do wish them the best, sir, and it’s been quite sweet watching them get to this point, I would rather not spend my remaining time in Her Majesty’s Service transcribing their sex lives.

That said, I’ve been told by fellow analysts that I might have a second career in writing romance novels, so I give you my thanks for that. It's as good a retirement hobby as any.

With respect,

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, total utter crack compared to last chapter. Sorry to anyone who's expecting deep plotty things re: these transcripts! You can mostly headcanon whatever you want.


	64. Text thread with Sherlock, early morning of Friday, January 27th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't see on tumblr last night, [the posting schedule for this fic will be accelerating](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/158210552003/welp-looks-like-ill-be-getting-notes-from-my) because my brief respite from professional writing work has come to an end. I'm still going to be trying to end each day in a logical, satisfying place, but I have about 20 chapters to unload in the next 5-7 days and a few of those feel like they need to be one or two chapter days for emotional impact reasons. So. You might have some 4 and 5 chapter days. Today will be one of those. Sorry for all the emails!

 

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:37   
John

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:37   
Come back to bed

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:38   
John

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:38   
Round two

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:39   
Jooooooohn

 ** _sent_** / 01:39  
Hold on, I had to answer the door

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:40   
Who’s at the door so late?

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:40   
Oh

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:40   
Noise complaint 

**_sent_** / 01:41  
Good deduction

 ** _sent_** / 01:41  
I apologized but she’s still talking

 **Sherlock is the love of my life** / 01:42   
I’ll rescue you

 ** _sent_** / 01:42  
No

 ** _sent_** / 01:42  
Dont

 **_typing..._ **   
_Please tell me you’re weari_

 ** _sent_** / 01:43  
Never mind

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More crack! kjashfkajh
> 
> For those who are disappointed that there's no more on-screen sex, just hang out and wait for an announcement on Monday, and in the meantime I have plenty of other E-rated fics for you. I personally recommend [Rearranged](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5010793), [Photographic Evidence](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4625367), and [Perfect Solo](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3964372). ([Merlot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5353688) too, but there's just the one E-rated chapter and the rest is all puddles of UST)


	65. Text thread with John on Friday, January 27th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter for today!

 

 ** _sent_** / 12:28 PM  
I already miss you and Watson

 ** _sent_** / 12:28 PM  
Is that ridiculous?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:29 PM   
If it is, then I’m ridiculous too. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:29 PM   
It doesn’t help that I hate doctor’s offices that I don’t work in

**_sent_** / 12:29 PM  
You hate the ones you work in, too

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:30 PM   
You’re right, I really do

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:30 PM   
When I look for jobs next week, I think I need to look outside GP work

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:30 PM   
Surely someone in this city needs a doctor for something other than wiping runny noses

**_sent_** / 12:31 PM  
When you and Watson are done, are you coming straight over?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:31 PM   
I’m gonna run back to the house for one more load of stuff, then head over. How is the unpacking of the first bit going?

**_sent_** / 12:32 PM  
I got slightly distracted 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:32 PM   
By?

**_sent_** / 12:33 PM  
Thinking

 ** _sent_** / 12:33 PM  
I was up in your room

 ** _sent_** / 12:33 PM  
Rosie’s room now, I suppose

**_typing..._ **   
_ Re-reading your letter _

**_typing..._ **   
_ Nothing, I j _

**_sent_** / 12:34 PM  
I was reading your letter again. A few times.

 ** _sent_** / 12:35 PM  
Every time I say or text or do something that’s too… revealing

 ** _sent_** / 12:35 PM  
I have this moment of panic

 ** _sent_** / 12:35 PM  
I keep forgetting you know now

 ** _sent_** / 12:35 PM  
That it’s allowed

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 PM   
I understand that. We’ve been hiding and denying for a long time. Might take a while for that instinct to fade. 

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:36 PM   
I know it will for me

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:37 PM   
But I always want to hear that stuff from you, okay?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:37 PM   
I still can’t believe you actually want this with me

**_sent_** / 12:37 PM  
Of course I do, John

 ** _sent_** / 12:38 PM  
You honestly didn’t know?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:38 PM   
I started to suspect at various times, but I always managed to convince myself I was seeing what I wanted to see

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:39 PM   
Married to your work, love is a defect, etc.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:39 PM   
I never thought you’d want something like this

**_sent_** / 12:40 PM  
I did

 ** _sent_** / 12:40 PM  
I do

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
I have for a long time

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
Since the beginning, practically

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
But I told myself I’d never have it, that I shouldn’t want it

 ** _sent_** / 12:41 PM  
Intellect over emotion, brain over transport

 ** _sent_** / 12:42 PM  
And when that didn’t work… I just reminded myself you were straight and there was no point in wanting

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 PM   
I’m so sorry for always getting so defensive whenever people made assumptions about us, Sherlock

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:43 PM   
I’m sure that hurt you every single time

**_sent_** / 12:44 PM  
It was hurting you too

 ** _sent_** / 12:44 PM  
You just didn’t realize it

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:44 PM   
(...)

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:45 PM   
You’re right. It was

**_sent_** / 12:45 PM  
Anyway, we said we were done with these apologies

 ** _sent_** / 12:46 PM  
I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty, I’m just

 ** _sent_** / 12:46 PM  
I’m really happy, John

 ** _sent_** / 12:46 PM  
And it’s kind of hard to believe

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:47 PM   
Me too, love

**_typing..._ **   
_ I wish I were at the doctor with you and Wats _

**_sent_** / 12:48 PM  
Do you think Watson will cry a lot for her jabs?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:48 PM   
She’ll probably be in a foul mood for the rest of the day, yeah, but she’ll be fine

**_sent_** / 12:49 PM  
You’re still going to stay the whole weekend though, right?

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:49 PM   
Of course we are. I plan to keep you very busy all weekend

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:49 PM   
Thank god for Mrs. Hudson

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:50 PM   
I wish I could just move completely in straight away, but it’s going to take me most of the week to get everything cleaned, packed, sold, donated and all that

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:50 PM   
But we can worry about all that starting Monday

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:51 PM   
This weekend, I just want to enjoy this

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:51 PM   
In fact

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:51 PM   
I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I’m finding I rather feel like showing you off around town

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:52 PM   
Maybe tonight we can get a bite to eat, then…

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:52 PM   
There’s that club I went to. I remember once you mentioned you liked dancing. Does that include all kind of dancing? 

**_sent_** / 12:53 PM  
Yes, very much

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:53 PM   
I wanted you there with me so badly that night

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:54 PM   
Your body moving against mine in the dark, your hands all over me

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:54 PM   
Let me take you out again?

**_sent_** / 12:55 PM  
Yes, please

 ** _sent_** / 12:55 PM  
I want that

 ** _sent_** / 12:56 PM  
So long as we can sneak off to the loo for a shag at some point

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:56 PM   
You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Sherlock Holmes

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:57 PM   
We also can’t talk about this anymore because I’m sitting in a doctor’s office with a toddler and it’s about to get awkward

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:58 PM   
Doctor is calling us in now

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:58 PM   
I’ll let you know when we’re on our way over

**_sent_** / 12:58 PM  
Okay. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ I know I’m saying it too much but I lo _

**_sent_** / 12:59 PM  
I love you.

**John Hamish Watson** / 12:59 PM   
I love you too. 

**_typing..._ **   
_ And Watson. Give her a kiss for me when she gets her jab. Maybe try holding her against your chest and speaking or humming wh _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for two so close together, but I saw the first email went out and I had a free minute!


	66. Text thread with Lestrade on Saturday, January 28th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter for today. One more on the way, and it's a treat! Much more substantial, too.

 

**Greg Lestrade** / 3:01 PM   
Hey, pint later?

  
  


 

 ** _sent_** / 5:46 PM  
Extremely occupied all weekend

 ** _sent_** / 5:46 PM  
John says hello

**Greg Lestrade** / 5:50 PM   
FINALLY. Congrats, mate! 

**Greg Lestrade** / 5:50 PM   
Couldn’t be happier for you

**Greg Lestrade** / 5:51 PM   
Text me when the two of you are ready to face the world again and I’ll buy dinner to celebrate

**Greg Lestrade** / 5:51 PM   
I owe you thanks anyway

**_sent_** / 5:52 PM  
Yes, yes, you finally went out with Molly Hooper

 ** _sent_** / 5:52 PM  
I will be extremely happy for you some other time whn i dont hav jo

 ** _sent_** / 5:54 PM  
Sherlock is very busy right now and will text you back tomorrow

 ** _sent_** / 5:54 PM  
Good for you and Molly

 ** _sent_** / 5:54 PM  
Ta, dinner sounds lovely

 ** _sent_** / 5:55 PM  
Very much later, mate

**Greg Lestrade** / 5:55 PM   
I should have known not to bother for a few days

 

 


	67. Post to John’s blog on Sunday, January 29th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter for today, with a lovely surprise included. Enjoy!

 

##  **A Fortuitous Meeting**

Seven years ago today, Sherlock Holmes and I were introduced by our mutual friend, Mike Stamford, at St. Barts. You can go back and read [ the blog post I made about that first meeting ](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/29january), but let me highlight the relevant part here:

_“It's mad. I think he might be mad. He was certainly arrogant and really quite rude and he looks about 12 and he's clearly a bit public school and, yes, I definitely think he might be mad but he was also strangely likeable. He was charming. It really was all just a bit strange._

_So tomorrow, we're off to look at a flat. Me and the madman. Me and Sherlock Holmes.”_

I was so obviously taken with him right from the start and it’s quite funny, in hindsight. My first impressions were correct in some respects. Sherlock is absolutely rude and arrogant, though he no longer looks twelve years old anymore, and he clearly has the posh boy public school thing going, though he also wallows on the couch in his dressing gown for days and refuses to wash a dish. But above all he is absolutely likeable and charming, fascinating, a bit of a mystery. My madman. My Sherlock Holmes.

He’s changed a lot in these past seven years. We both have. He’s a bit softer, a bit kinder. A lot wiser. More loving. He’s my best friend, the person I trust most, everything I need in this world. Seven years ago we were strangers with an instant connection and a shared craving for danger. Now? We’re a family.

So when you come to 221B Baker Street these days, this is what you’ll see: two men and their daughter, fiercely in love and utterly devoted. It’s been a long time coming, and we certainly took the hard road to get here. But now that we are, it’s like the world has snapped into focus.

Thanks for the introduction, Mike. We owe you so much.

[ ](https://khorazir.tumblr.com/post/158235148483/family-selfie-illustration-for-chapter-67-of-the)

_Posted by John H. Watson on 29/01/2017 at 13:02_

**34 comments**

Thanks for the shoutout, mate, and you’re quite welcome!!! For the record, it was completely obvious from the moment you were first in a room together!  
**Mike Stamford**  29 January 13:10

CONGRATS GUYS!! So happy to see you both so happy! It has been great to follow your story for the past seven years!  
**Jacob Sowersby**  29 January 13:18

Thanks for your constant support, Jacob. We appreciate it.  
**John Watson**  29 January 13:26

You’re obsessed with the posh public school thing.  
**Sherlock Holmes**  29 January 13:27

Can you blame me? A man of my humble origins, landing a gorgeous thing like you?  
**John Watson**  29 January 13:30

You two are revolting and I couldn’t be happier for you!! I’m so proud of you Johnny. Kiss that baby of yours for me!!  
**Harry Watson**  29 January 13:41

Can’t wait to celebrate at dinner later! We’re so thrilled for you! xx  
**Molly Hooper**  29 January 13:53

Ta, Molly, and we’re thrilled for you, too. See you later.  
**John Watson**  29 January 13:59

Called it from the start!  
**Bill Murray**  29 January 14:07

Yeah, yeah, you did. Though, to be fair, you knew me in Afghanistan, so you had some insider information.  
**John Watson**  29 January 14:15

John...  
**Sherlock Holmes**  29 January 14:17

Not what you think, love.  
**John Watson**  29 January 14:21

Awwwwhh!! Congratulations to your lovely family!! What a beautiful photo!  
**Donna Staveley**  29 January 14:45

[Comment deleted]  
**Anonymous**  29 January 14:56

I’m truly happy for you both.  
**E. Thompson**  29 January 15:29

My boys, I couldn’t be happier for you. I knew from that first day that you would be together. You were made for each other. I do wish you would keep it down just a bit, though. My television can only drown out so much.  
**Marie Turner**  29 January 16:04

This is Mrs. Hudson again, by the way. I’ll figure this out one day!  
**Marie Turner**  29 January 16:05

Sorry, Mrs. Hudson.  
**John Watson**  29 January 16:47

I’m not. John is fantastic in bed and I should be permitted to express my enthusiasm for his technique.  
**Sherlock Holmes**  29 January 16:49

Wow, go Johnny!  
**Bill Murray**  29 January 17:05

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  
**Harry Watson**  29 January 17:10

[Comment deleted]  
**Siobhan Whelan**  29 January 17:22

HAHAHAH OH WOW!!!  
**Dame Latif**  29 January 17:25

Oh my! I’ll be sure to knock loudly when we come by later!  
**Molly Hooper**  29 January 17:31

Jesus, Sherlock! I’d delete that comment but it’s obviously too late.  
**John Watson**  29 January 17:40

Please. You’re preening over it.  
**Sherlock Holmes**  29 January 17:42

[Comment deleted]  
**Anonymous**  29 January 17:55

Consider my offer of £5000 for an interview back on the table  
**James Unsworth**  29 January 18:11

Not interested  
**Sherlock Holmes**  29 January 18:49

Everything you need to know is in this post. We won’t be accepting any further questions.  
**John Watson**  29 January 18:52

Okay, we’re very confused John!! Give us a call soon?? Big hugs to you and your beautiful baby!!! Xxxxxxxxx  
**Stella and Ted**  29 January 20:03

We’ll give you £6000 for that interview  
**Kym Ashman**  29 January 20:34

I can promise £8000 and will be in touch  
**Anonymous**  29 January 20:45

I’m turning off comments for a few days until the vultures clear off.  
**John Watson**  29 January 22:09

[Comments have been disabled for this post]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thanks to Khorazir for creating the beautiful artwork accompanying this chapter, which you can reblog on tumblr [here](https://khorazir.tumblr.com/post/158235148483/family-selfie-illustration-for-chapter-67-of-the). Please go leave some love! I appreciate this so so so much. <3


	68. Text thread with Mummy on Sunday, January 29th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm out of town at a work thing/visiting with a dear fandom friend, so posting will be sporadic today.

 

 ** _sent_** / 2:14 PM  
Good afternoon, Mummy

 ** _sent_** / 2:15 PM  
I thought you might be interested in this link to John’s most recent blog post: [http://johnwatsonblog.co.uk/posts/afortuitousmeeting](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9566708/chapters/22663958)

**Mummy** / 2:29 PM   
Oh, my boy!!

**Mummy** / 2:31 PM   
You don’t know what it means to your father and I to see you so happy and loved

**Mummy** / 2:31 PM   
I know how much this has been hurting you

**Mummy** / 2:32 PM   
I knew you would fall in love with him from the first time I spoke to you after you met

**Mummy** / 2:32 PM   
And anyone who read John’s blog could see he was smitten, of course

**Mummy** / 2:33 PM   
I’m only sorry that it took this long, dear

**_sent_** / 2:36 PM  
John’s daughter has a birthday this coming Saturday. We’re having a small party

 ** _sent_** / 2:37 PM  
You and father are invited

**Mummy** / 2:39 PM   
John called her your daughter, too, in his blog

**Mummy** / 2:39 PM   
Is that not accurate?

**_typing..._ **   
_ I  _

**_sent_** / 2:45 PM  
I don’t know

 ** _sent_** / 2:45 PM  
We haven’t talked about it in precise terms yet

 ** _sent_** / 2:46 PM  
What exactly I am to her

**Mummy** / 2:47 PM   
What do you want to be?

**_typing..._ **   
_ I want to be h _

**_typing..._ **   
_ I’m already her godfath _

**_sent_** / 2:50 PM  
I think I should talk to John about it first

 ** _sent_** / 2:51 PM  
Hopefully I’ll have an answer for you at her birthday party

 ** _sent_** / 2:51 PM  
Will you come?

**Mummy** / 2:52 PM   
Of course, Sherlock

**Mummy** / 2:52 PM   
Of course we will

**Mummy** / 2:53 PM   
Father and I can’t wait to see you with your new family

**Mummy** / 2:59 PM   
Sherlock? Are you okay?

**_sent_** / 3:04 PM  
Yes

 ** _sent_** / 3:05 PM  
See you this weekend

 


	69. Sherlock’s library receipt from Monday, January 30th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random update via mobile, hope this works!

 

Current Check-Outs Summary for HOLMES, S.  
Mon 30 January 2017 11:18:22 GMT  
Staff Circ Station 2

BARCODE: 31743305781134  
TITLE: Step-Parent Adoptions: Legally Adopting Your St  
DUE DATE: 21/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743308227943  
TITLE: Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Chi  
DUE DATE: 21/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743307560833  
TITLE: Be a Great Step-Parent / by Suzie Hayman.  
DUE DATE: 21/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743306429680  
TITLE: The Adoption Law Handbook: Practice, Resourc  
DUE DATE: 21/02/2017

BARCODE: 31743305016851  
TITLE: Child Custody: Doing What Is Best For Your Kid  
DUE DATE: 21/02/2017

  
Marylebone Library  
Macintosh House, 54 Beaumont Street, London, W1G 6DW  
https://www.westminster.gov.uk/libraries  
020 7641 6200

 

 


	70. Text thread with Mycroft on Tuesday, February 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am retconning S4 Mycroft because I hate him.

 

 ** _sent_** / 10:16 AM  
John has informed me that I’m required to invite you to Watson’s first birthday party this Saturday

 **The Queen** / 10:39 AM  
Yes, I will be there. Please thank John for me.

 **The Queen** / 10:40 AM  
Though of course, congratulations are in order for the two of you, as well. John’s blog post was quite touching.

 **The Queen** / 10:40 AM  
Despite what you may think, I am pleased for you.

 ** _sent_** / 10:43 AM  
Just don’t eat all the cake

 **The Queen** / 10:47 AM  
I noticed an update to your library records as well.

 **The Queen** / 10:47 AM  
Please do let me know if you require any assistance with the paperwork.

 **_typing..._ **  
_Piss o_

 **_typing..._ **  
_I don_

 ** _sent_** / 10:50 AM  
I need to speak with John first

 ** _sent_** / 10:50 AM  
If he consents, then I will contact you for assistance

 ** _sent_** / 10:51 AM  
Considering my history and the past instability of our relationship, it seems the way forward may be… challenging

 ** _sent_** / 10:51 AM  
Perhaps this isn’t the right thing to do anyway

 **The Queen** / 10:54 AM  
Should you and John decide to proceed, I will ensure that the process goes smoothly.

 **_typing..._ **  
_Th_

 ** _sent_** / 10:57 AM  
Thank you, Mycroft. We will let you know

 **The Queen** / 10:58 AM  
Anything for my niece.

 ** _sent_** / 10:59 AM  
Anything but holding her, changing her, feeding her, minding her…

 **The Queen** / 11:01 AM  
You know how I feel about legwork, brother mine.

 ** _sent_** / 11:01 AM  
Of course

 

 


	71. Email to Harry on Tuesday, February 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another random chapter! I'm trying to dump all my remaining chapters today and tomorrow so I can do the epilogue chapters one per day next week and be DONE. So. Emails incoming!
> 
> Also, to answer y'alls question about Stella and Ted from a few posts ago: They commented on [John's blog on the wedding post](http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/blog/11august) and sent a telegram to John and Mary's wedding, and I think the fandom generally speculates that they're family of some kind, maybe an aunt and uncle.

 

Hey Harry,

I know we just talked yesterday, but I completely forgot to mention Rosie’s birthday. We’re having people over on Saturday to celebrate, just something simple. Well, I think it’s going to be simple, at least, but Sherlock has unearthed some secret supply of crafting stuff. I think I saw mod podge. Actually, I have no idea what to expect, but there will be a party of some kind and we’d love for you to come. 

Thank you again for all your advice. This past Sunday made me nostalgic, and I’ve been doing a lot of looking back, and you know what? Sherlock isn’t the only one who has changed a lot. You’ve come a long way, Harry, and so have I. I’m proud of us both. And though I appreciate that you always took my whole straight act at face value and helped me defend it to others, I appreciate the chance to be out and open with you even more. The gay Watson twins… sounds like a terrible super hero duo. 

Had a bloody awkward conversation with Stella and Ted, by the way. That was fun. They still don’t get it. I don’t know what’s so confusing about me being in love with a man! But they and the rest of the world are just going to have to get used to it. We had a client interview yesterday, and the whole time the woman kept looking back and forth between us, like she couldn’t figure us out. I finally had to go pick up takeout just so I could get out of the room. I did kiss Sherlock and Rosie on my way out the door, though, just to really clarify things for her. Yes, London, it’s true, the detective and his blogger are fucking and raising a baby together, now can we all please move on with our lives?

Anyway.

It’s not bothering me that everyone knows or anything. Actually, I’ve been having these weird urges to just shove it in everyone’s faces, make sure  _ everyone  _ knows, hold hands and kiss in public, go out as often as possible, be really obvious about it. But at the same time I hate feeling like a circus attraction. I want our relationship seen and acknowledged, but there’s a difference between that and being hunted down for interviews, or being stared at like a puzzle in my own home. 

Anyway, wow, apparently I still had a lot to say even after our chat yesterday. I guess the call was for the happy everything is amazing talk, and this email was for everything else. But don’t get the wrong impression. I am happy. God, I’m SO happy, Harry. He’s amazing. We’re amazing together. 

I never thought it could be like this. 

I can’t believe I get to have this.

God, I want this forever.

 

 


	72. Text thread with Sherlock on Wednesday, February 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for tonight!

 

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:05   
Good luck at your interview

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:05   
They would be idiots not to hire you

**_sent_** / 13:06  
Ta, love

 ** _sent_** / 13:06  
I see you didn’t change your name in my phone when you were snooping earlier 

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:06   
No

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:07   
The way you have it right now is perfect

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:07   
Can you pick up some more milk on your way home?

**_sent_** / 13:08  
Some things never change

**Sherlock is the love of my life** / 13:09   
Would you want them to?

**_sent_** / 13:09  
Never

 

 


	73. Ella’s notes on Sherlock Holmes, Thursday, February 2nd appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five chapters today. Sorry to all you folks who don't read much fic on the weekends—you'll have a lot of catching up to do tomorrow!

 

 **Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  W. Sherlock S. Holmes                                                                                                  Date:   2/2/2017  
DOB:  6/1/1979                                                                                                             Appointment Time:    10:00 AM  
Record Number:  024175WSH  

Session Format  : Individual [X]   Family [  ]   Couple [  ]   Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [  ]   Homicidal [  ]   Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [  ]   Ideation, but no plan [  ]   Plan/Intent [  ]   Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: All signs of ideation or preoccupation with the concept of suicide were absent this week. He has made so much progress that I hope it will be gone for good, but I remain wary and will keep a close eye out for any signs of returning issues. More detail in the summary below.

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Clean, neat, relaxed, well-rested  
Mood: Anxious [X]   Depressed [  ]   Angry [  ]   Sad [  ]   Euphoric [  ]   Contemplative [  ]   Other [X]: Happy  
Attention: Appropriate [X]   Distracted [  ]   Short [  ]   Perservative [  ]   Intense [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [X]   Minimal [  ]   Rambling [  ]   Frantic [  ]   Tangential [  ]   Halting [  ]   Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [X]   Inappropriate [  ]   Flat [  ]   Volatile [  ]   Blunt [  ]   Bright [X]   Subdued [  ]   Other [  ]:  

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]   Delusions [  ]   Sleep Problems [X]   Appetite Problems [X]   Drug/Alcohol Abuse [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : Sherlock has continued to show improvement in his sleeping and eating habits, as evidenced by the charts he presented me with today. I’m leaving the indicators here for another few weeks until I am satisfied that the changes aren’t merely aided by his increased sexual activity (also charted).

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** Sherlock is happier and healthier than he’s ever been, as different as can be from this time last month. Despite that, we actually had a hard time getting started with our discussion today; Sherlock sat down, calm and cool as usual, but he avoided my eyes in a way that initially concerned me. I tried asking how he was, but I got no response other than a brief fluctuation in his expression. When I asked how John was, though, a tactic I’ve had to use many times in the past, his whole demeanor changed. He flushed, and his calm melted away into the biggest, brightest grin I’ve ever seen on his face. He hid his face in his hands again, as he did last week, while he attempted to get his composure back.

With the ice broken, we were finally able to discuss his feelings about his new relationship with John, which is in his words "better than I ever could have hoped for". It appears they are off to a healthy start, and the relationship certainly seems to be having an incredible positive effect on Sherlock’s mental health. He is excited about life and looking forward to the future, which is perhaps the biggest change of all: He believes he  has  a future. He is making plans, reconnecting with friends, letting his family back into his life. He spent nearly ten minutes talking about his plans for Rosie Watson’s birthday party this weekend, which he has been working hard to plan and prepare. The pictures of his craft projects were a delightful addition to our session.

Once he started scrolling through the photos on his phone, he grew quiet. The recent photos were almost entirely of Rosie or her birthday party prep work, excepting a few that he scrolled quickly past with a blush. When I asked what he was feeling, he grew cagey, hesitant, then finally admitted he was afraid of being judged for thinking about things too early. At my encouragement, he blurted out that he wants to adopt Rosie, wants to have a tangible, legal connection as her parent. He deduced her existence before John and his ex-wife even knew, made a vow to protect her eight months before she was born, feels intrinsically tied to her and wants that to be publically and legally acknowledged. When I advised him to discuss it with John, he rolled his eyes (‘obviously’) and said he had done a lot of research into options and hoped to discuss it this evening. Similar to our last session, he appeared embarrassed or self-conscious about this desire, but also determined. He wants this, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes, if John allows it.

Sherlock has requested that we reduce our visits from once per week to twice per month while he adjusts to the greater share of childcare duties and enjoys the early days of his relationship. I broached the topic of couples therapy with him, suggesting it as a way to ensure a strong start for him and John, and he was amenable. I will bring it up with John in his session and schedule them for next week if he agrees.

  
**Next Appointment:** 16/2/2017, pending couples therapy appointment

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picture [this beautiful artwork by Kelley / anotherwellkeptsecret](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/157879308918/anotherwellkeptsecret-thinking-of-you) when imagining Sherlock blushing during his appointment. <3


	74. Ella’s notes on John Watson, Thursday, February 2nd appointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter for today, and there were a bunch yesterday, so check carefully that you haven't missed any <3

**Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson                                                                                                                       Date:   2/2/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976                                                                                                                     Appointment Time:   11:00 AM  
Record Number:  084652JHW  

Session Format: Individual [X]  Family [  ]  Couple [  ]  Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [  ]  Homicidal [  ]  Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [  ]  Ideation, but no plan [  ]  Plan/Intent [  ]  Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: 

**General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Clean cut and well-dressed  
Mood: Anxious [  ]  Depressed [  ]  Angry [  ]  Sad [  ]  Euphoric [X]  Contemplative [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Attention: Appropriate [X]  Distracted [  ]  Short [  ]  Perservative [  ]  Intense [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [X]  Minimal [  ]  Rambling [  ]  Frantic [  ]  Tangential [  ]  Halting [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [X]  Inappropriate [  ]  Flat [  ]  Volatile [  ]  Blunt [  ]  Bright [X]  Subdued [  ]  Other [  ]:

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
** Hallucinations [  ]  Delusions [  ]  Sleep Problems [X]  Appetite Problems [  ]  Drug/Alcohol Abuse [X]  
Detail/Action Taken : John has continued his abstinence from alcohol, and his sleep is much less impacted by intrusive thoughts, though increased physical exhaustion may play a role. I will continue to keep an eye on both issues. 

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** John Watson is a new man. I have rarely seen such a dramatic change in a client in such a short time, but John has truly come into his own. I gave he and Sherlock back-to-back appointments today at their request to make transportation and child care easier. Like last time, they exchanged Rosie Watson in the lobby, though their interaction was completely lacking in last week’s repressed tension. They were comfortable, happy, and exchanged a quick kiss before John followed me into the office.

John showed no discomfort at all with their public affection. On the contrary, he fairly glowed with pride over his family. With the weight of his secrets and repression gone, he seems years younger and incredibly light of spirit. He reports that being out as a gay man has given him no trouble he didn’t feel fully prepared to deal with, and has in fact brought him closer to his friends and sister. He said something quite wise under a mask of humor: “Apparently it’s a lot easier to relate to people when you don’t have a screen of lies to maintain between you.” He hadn’t quite realized how much all of his friends were holding it against him. Now that he’s out, his friends have made no secret of their frustration over the years, watching the pain he has caused Sherlock with his denial. Their veiled comments, even made with good humor, have hit him hard, but he acknowledges the truth in them and is working hard to make up for lost time.

John has done an admirable job of controlling his drinking. With so much to celebrate he was tempted to break his sobriety, but never did. He has set a goal of staying sober for another month before reintroducing supervised light social drinking. We did not have much to discuss regarding his anger management techniques, as he’s been riding on a high of positive life changes. Moving out of the house he shared with his ex-wife has proven to be the only challenge to his anger, but he’s largely tackled that task alone while Sherlock cared for Rosie at 221B, so he’s been able to take his time, work through each moment, and move on. John promises that he and Sherlock are keeping each other honest in their recovery and have been working hard to establish good communication habits.

He has been spending his evenings and nights at 221B, where he feels at peace and stable for the first time in a long time. He had a job interview yesterday, and John is feeling good about his decision to shift away from GP work. Overall, John feels like he has finally found his place, like he and Sherlock have already been together for years, and he is looking forward to a lifetime together. He made a point of mentioning that the sex is great, too. No intimacy problems.

He is amenable to starting couples therapy with Sherlock, so I called Sherlock back in for the last few moments to get them scheduled. The three of them make a beautiful family, and I’m honored to help them get a solid start together.

  
**Next Appointment:** 9/2/2017 - couples @ 10am, individual at 11am

 


	75. Text thread with John on Thursday, February 2nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter for today, two more coming

 

 ** _sent_** / 2:37 PM  
John

 ** _sent_** / 2:37 PM  
There’s something

 ** _sent_** / 2:38 PM  
I have something I want to discuss with you tonight

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:39 PM   
Is everything okay?

**_sent_** / 2:39 PM  
Yes

 ** _sent_** / 2:39 PM  
Nothing bad

 ** _sent_** / 2:40 PM  
I just want you to have time to think about it before we talk

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:41 PM   
Okay, well I’m bored to tears scrubbing the floors over here

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:41 PM   
So give me something to think about

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:42 PM   
Other than endlessly replaying last night in my head, which was phenomenal and is not helping my focus at all

**_sent_** / 2:42 PM  
Yes, last night was 

**_sent_** / 2:43 PM  
John

 ** _sent_** / 2:43 PM  
You are even better than I imagined

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:44 PM   
You imagined this with me a lot, did you?

**_sent_** / 2:44 PM  
You know I did

 ** _sent_** / 2:44 PM  
In detail

 ** _sent_** / 2:45 PM  
With my collection

 ** _sent_** / 2:45 PM  
But I underestimated the effect of requited sentiment on the act

 ** _sent_** / 2:45 PM  
It is

 ** _sent_** / 2:46 PM  
A lot

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:46 PM   
Not helping my focus, love

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:47 PM   
Back to the topic at hand, unless you want me to have something else to clean up off the floor here

**_sent_** / 2:47 PM  
I wouldn’t complain

 ** _sent_** / 2:48 PM  
You could call 

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:49 PM   
Sherlock. You’re stalling.

**_sent_** / 2:50 PM  
Yes. Okay

 ** _sent_** / 2:50 PM  
Well

**_typing..._ ** **_  
_ ** _ I w _

**_sent_** / 2:52 PM  
I would like to talk about Watson

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:52 PM   
Rosie? Is everything okay?

**_sent_** / 2:53 PM  
Everything is fine

 ** _sent_** / 2:53 PM  
[s+w 02022017.jpg]

 ** _sent_** / 2:54 PM  
We’re starting to settle in to get sleepy for naptime

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:55 PM   
I can see that

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:55 PM   
I love you two so much

**John Hamish Watson** / 2:56 PM   
Seeing you take care of her and love her is the best thing in the world

**_sent_** / 2:57 PM  
I want to adopt her

 ** _sent_** / 2:57 PM  
I mean

 ** _sent_** / 2:57 PM  
I

 ** _sent_** / 2:57 PM  
I was supposed to build up to that

 ** _sent_** / 2:58 PM  
What am I to her, what will she call me, am I still just her godfather, etc.

 ** _sent_** / 2:58 PM  
I’ve done research, and there are a lot of options

 ** _sent_** / 2:58 PM  
And we don’t have to pursue any of them, but Mycroft will help if we do

 ** _sent_** / 2:59 PM  
And don’t say anything right now. We don’t even have to decide anytime soon

 ** _sent_** / 2:59 PM  
I want to have this conversation face-to-face, because it’s important

 ** _sent_** / 2:59 PM  
The most important

 ** _sent_** / 3:00 PM  
I’m yours, John, wholly and completely yours

 ** _sent_** / 3:00 PM  
But I want to be hers, too

 ** _sent_** / 3:00 PM  
So just think about it

 ** _sent_** / 3:01 PM  
I’m cooking dinner for us tonight

 ** _sent_** / 3:01 PM  
So maybe we can

 ** _sent_** / 3:01 PM  
Talk

 ** _sent_** / 3:02 PM  
If you want

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:03 PM   
I adore you

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:03 PM   
You’re incredible

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:04 PM   
Yes, of course we can talk about it tonight

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:04 PM   
What time do you want me home for dinner?

**_sent_** / 3:05 PM  
7?

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:05 PM   
Then I’ll be there at 7

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:06 PM   
But I need to stop typing and start scrubbing if I have any hope of finishing this up tomorrow

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:06 PM   
I love you, okay? Thank you for bringing this up

**John Hamish Watson** / 3:07 PM   
I’m sure it was difficult

**_sent_** / 3:08 PM  
But worth it

 ** _sent_** / 3:08 PM  
I love you. See you later

 

 


	76. Security footage, 221B Baker Street, interior, Friday, February 3rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've brunched, I've visited family, I've made the 3 hour drive back home—time for two more chapters!

 

Camera ID #30817  
Location: 221B Baker Street, interior, sitting room, bookshelf 3  
Date: 03/02/2017  
Timestamp: 18:27:44 to 18:59:28  
Identified Persons: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Rosamund Watson, Molly Hooper

 

<<<Begin Summary>>>

[Sherlock Holmes lays on the couch with Rosamund Watson on his chest, who pokes and prods at his face, then turns to babble at Molly Hooper.]

 **MH:** Yes, I know, he’s quite silly, isn’t he?

 **SH:** I’m laying here. How is that silly? She—

[He shuts his mouth quite suddenly and perks up, listening. John Watson walks through the door to the sitting room a moment later with a box in his hand and a backpack on his back. As soon as he walks in, JW and SH grin broadly at one another.]

 **SH:** That’s it?

 **JW:** That’s the last of it. Never going back there again.

[JW puts down his pack and box. SH turns back to RW and kisses her on the top of her head, then stands and brings her to JW. JW kisses both of them, then takes RW from SH.]

 **JW:** Are you ready to spend the night with Molly, love? When you come back tomorrow, we’ll have the whole place ready for your birthday party. Isn’t that exciting?

[She babbles as he kisses her on the cheek and passes her to MH, who has picked up RW’s yellow overnight bag.]

 **MH:** I’ll leave you to it then. Enjoy date night!

 **SH:** Oh, we will, I assure you. John has an amazing—

 **JW:** Sherlock!

 **SH:** ...evening planned for us, I’m sure.

 **MH:** _(Giggling)_ Well, Greg and I will take good care of her. _(Her mobile chimes)_ And that’s him with the car. See you all tomorrow!

 **JW:** Thanks so much, Molly. _(He waves to RW)_ See you tomorrow, sweetheart.

 **SH:** _(Brushing RW’s fringe to the side)_ Good night, love.

[SH sits back down on the couch as MH leaves with RW. JW closes the door to the sitting room behind them and turns back to SH. SH smiles shyly up at him.]

 **SH:** You’re home.

 **JW:** _(He nods, smiles)_ For good this time.

 **SH:** _(Looking him over)_ Why are you nervous? Was it… hard to leave for the last time?

 **JW:** No! No, it was a relief, honestly. I never want to see that place ever again.

[JW walks over and climbs into SH’s lap, straddling him on the couch. They kiss for long moments, but JW pulls back before it can get too carried away. They nuzzle and exchange a few more small kisses.]

 **JW:** I’m happy to be home, Sherlock. Wholly, completely home, with no obligations elsewhere. This was the last piece of the puzzle, for me.

[He leans back and reaches inside his coat, withdrawing an envelope. He looks at it, turns it over in his hands, then meets Sherlock’s eyes]

 **JW:** After our conversation last night, I… well, it turns out I do have one last letter for you after all. _(He offers the envelope to SH)_ Go ahead. Open it now.

[SH takes the envelope and immediately looks puzzled, hefting it as if testing its weight. He slides a finger under the flap and pops the seal easily, then withdraws a single piece of paper. He unfolds it, his eyes widen, and he freezes completely, not even breathing. The paper is blank. At the bottom, a black and silver ring is tied on with a deep blue ribbon]

 **JW:** I know this is stupidly early, but it’s also years too late at the same time, so it’s a compromise, right? And it doesn’t have to mean marriage if you don’t want it to, but it does mean that you have my commitment, Sherlock. I’m home. Forever. _(He pauses to take a breath)_ You are absolutely it for me. And I want you to be Rosie’s father. That’s why the three stripes on the ring. One for you, one for me… and one for her. Your daughter.

[A sob catches in SH’s throat, and he lifts a hand to cover his mouth. JW leans forward and presses his forehead to SH’s, his hands on SH’s cheeks]

 **JW:** _(Voice rough with emotion)_ I love you, Sherlock. I adore you, I need you, I want you, and I love you with absolutely everything in me. And if you want me as your husband, then I would be honored to be that to you.

[SH wraps his arms around JW, buries his face in JW’s shoulder, and begins to cry in earnest. JW presses his face into SH’s curls and holds him close.]

 **SH:** [unintelligible]

 **JW:** _(Pulling back a bit)_ What was that?

[SH pulls back with a radiant smile and laughs]

 **SH:** Yes, all of it, everything. Yes. Please. Thank you. Yes.

 **JW:** _(He laughs)_ Yes?

 **SH:** _Yes._

[The paper crumples in SH’s hand, and he looks down as if he’d forgotten it was there. He scrambles to untie the ring, which JW takes from him and slides onto his finger. SH looks down at his hand with the ring, smiling]

 **SH:** It’s so light.

 **JW:** It’s titanium. I thought you’d want something that wouldn’t interfere with your work and could stand up to the punishment you’re sure to put it through.

 **SH:** It’s perfect. I love it. I love _you_ , John. I can’t… _(He swallows)_ I can’t believe I can have this.

[They kiss again, gentle at first, then more forceful. SH runs his hands up under JW’s shirt and pulls them closer together, and JW groans and buries his hands in SH’s hair. Clothing begins to come off, one piece at a time and that’s enough of that]

<<<End Summary>>>

 

 

[The following is attached to the security footage summary with a paperclip]

 

**Work Order**

Job:  Security footage transcription   
Assigned to:  N. Lanceton   
Deadline:  04/02/2017, 9 AM

Job notes:   Per standing order from M. Holmes: Transcribe exact dialogue and events with as much detail as possible. Include emotional content as best you can perceive.

Work Status:   (  ) completed   (  ) not completed   (X) partially completed

If not completed, state reason:  Obscene content begins at timestamp 18:33:21. I’m beginning to see why the last guy quit.

 


	77. Memorandum from the office of Mr. M. Holmes on Saturday, February 4th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for today. Two more tomorrow, then it's epilogue time.

 

**Memorandum**

 

**From the Office of M. Holmes** **  
  
**

**To:** SIS Analysts, London Surveillance Division

**Date:** 04/02/2017, 06:15

**Re:** Holmes/Watson Surveillance

* * *

 

It has come to my attention that the transcripts resulting from my standing order for surveillance of noteworthy incidents involving Mr. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson have begun to include information of a sensitive nature. I have until this point trusted your judgment and discretion in this matter. It appears that without my direct oversight, however, that judgment has lapsed.

I am hereby suspending Grade 3: Active status for Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson and ordering the removal of all surveillance devices from 221B Baker Street and associated personal vehicles. Once this task has been completed, deliver all remaining surveillance transcripts and footage to my office for disposal. Anthea will be personally overseeing this operation.

If I discover that any copies of this information have been retained, the consequences will be most dire. 

Regards,   
M. Holmes

 

 


	78. Greeting card for Mummy and Father Holmes on Saturday, February 4th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just two chapters today.

 

 

 

[Folded inside the card is a copy of the fully executed paperwork granting parental responsibility until the adoption can be made official, dated from the morning of February 4th. Mycroft Holmes is listed as a witness]

 


	79. Baby’s Record Book entry on Saturday, February 4th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for today, and the last chapter of the main part of the fic. There will be five long epilogue chapters after this, one per day except Friday, which will have two. We're nearly done. *sniffle*

 

[Filled out on a bright yellow page decorated with bees and blocks. The print is a mixture of messy scrawl and neat, precise letters]

 

 

**My favorite foods  
** _ Rosie just tried cake for the first time in celebration of her first birthday. She shows a clear preference for chocolate over vanilla. We may come to regret this day. (4/2/17) _   
  


**My sleep habits  
** We are never giving her sugar ever. Again. Ever. (4/2/17)

_The violin is not working. Nothing is working. Overstimulation? (4/2/17)_   
  


**My discoveries and accomplishments  
** Cake is the devil. Wait, that’s  my discovery. (4/2/17)   
  


**Special memories  
** I know it’s Rosie’s birthday, but she gave me one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received today. She was excited and quite sociable at her party today (don’t know where she gets that from) with all her favorite people there, but toward the end she started to get a bit fussy. She was in Mrs. Holmes’ arms when she started to wriggle about, then she called out “dada” in that voice that means a meltdown is coming. I turned to rescue Mrs. Holmes, only to see she wasn’t looking for me at all. 

Sherlock was at his mother’s side, and Rosie had her arms outstretched toward  him . 

She said “dada” again, rather insistently, and made a lunge for Sherlock, who swept her into his arms with his eyes wide and surprised. He smiled at her all wobbly, trying to settle her temper, but when she said “daddy” (not dada!) and snuggled into his chest, he gave up and cuddled her close, buried his eyes in her hair and cried right there in front of everyone. I wrapped my arms around him, and everyone gathered around us to celebrate the moment, not a dry eye in the house. They finally began to leave one by one until it was just us, standing together in the sitting room, with Rosie asleep in Sherlock’s arms. 

I will never forget this moment for as long as I live. 

I have never been happier.

 


	80. Epilogue, Part I: February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These epilogue chapters are essentially several chapters rolled into one. Hope the formatting works okay for you. Just one chapter today. This fic will be completed on Friday.
> 
> Please read the end note for important information.

 

**Text thread with Mycroft on Monday, February 6th**

 

 **The Queen** / 10:21 AM  
I have convinced your local council to waive the six month residency requirement for adoption due to your… unusual circumstances.

 **The Queen** / 10:21 AM  
You may give your three month notice of intent to adopt immediately, if you wish.

 **The Queen** / 10:21 AM  
Your assigned caseworker will be friendly to your cause.

 ** _sent_** / 2:36 PM  
We appreciate it

 ** _sent_** / 2:36 PM  
This

 **_typing..._ **  
_Ugh_

 ** _sent_** / 2:36 PM  
It means a lot

 ** _sent_** / 2:36 PM  
Thank you, Mycroft

 **The Queen** / 10:21 AM  
You are most welcome, brother mine.

 

 

 

**Email from the City of Westminster on Thursday, February 9th**

 

Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes,

Your intent to adopt has been filed with our office and a caseworker has been assigned to perform your in-home visitations. Three visits are required over three months. Your assigned dates are:

Visit #1: 8 March 2017 at 10 AM  
Visit #2: 5 April 2017 at 4 PM  
Visit #3: 1 May 2017 at 12 PM

All parties to the adoption must be present at each visit so the caseworker can make their evaluation of living environment, relationship stability, and parental interactions. If any of the assigned dates pose a problem, kindly contact our office as soon as possible, as visitation slots fill quickly and are difficult to reschedule. Please have your identification, the child’s birth certificate, and any relevant documentation relating to custody or parental rights readily accessible during your visits.

We look forward to overseeing your adoption process.

Kind regards,  
Adoption Services

 **A shared service of  
** ****

 

 

 

**Ella’s notes on John Watson and Sherlock Holmes, February 9th appointment**

 

 **Ella Thompson, MA, MBACP  
** Counsellor / Psychotherapist  
10 Harley St, Marylebone, London W1G 9PF | 020 7946 0337 |  thompson@etcounseling.co.uk

 

Patient Name:  John H. Watson & W. Sherlock S. Holmes                                                                                   Date:   9/2/2017  
DOB:  20/4/1976 & 6/1/1979                                                                                                    Appointment Time:   4:00 PM  
Record Number:  084652JHW & 024175WSH

Session Format: Individual [  ]  Family [  ]  Couple [X]  Group [  ]

Current Self-Harm Assessment:  Suicidal [  ]  Homicidal [  ]  Self-Injury [  ]  
At time of interview: None [  ]  Ideation, but no plan [  ]  Plan/Intent [  ]  Other [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken: n/a

 **General Inventory:  
** Appearance: Both men are well-rested, clean, healthy, and in good spirits.  
Mood: Anxious [X]  Depressed [  ]  Angry [  ]  Sad [  ]  Euphoric [  ]  Contemplative [  ]  Other [X]: Happy  
Attention: Appropriate [X]  Distracted [  ]  Short [  ]  Perservative [  ]  Intense [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Speech: Appropriate [X]  Minimal [  ]  Rambling [  ]  Frantic [  ]  Tangential [  ]  Halting [  ]  Other [  ]:  
Affect: Appropriate [X]  Inappropriate [  ]  Flat [  ]  Volatile [  ]  Blunt [  ]  Bright [  ]  Subdued [  ]  Other [  ]:

 **Mental Health Inventory:** **  
**Hallucinations [  ]  Delusions [  ]  Sleep Problems [  ]  Appetite Problems [  ]  Drug/Alcohol Abuse [  ]  
Detail/Action Taken : Sherlock and John have kept their respective substance abuse problems well in check with no sign of relapse.

 **Summary of Session Notes:  
** John and Sherlock arrived at their appointment holding hands, and they displayed easy affection throughout their time in my office. Both are physically and mentally healthier than they’ve been in a long time. They seem to be supporting each other well in their recovery; John said “it’s been lovely, seeing Sherlock indulge in things and spend time with friends,” to which Sherlock replied that John’s strengthening relationship with his sister has been a welcome change.

Preventing co-dependence is a priority for them, considering their past self-care issues and their responsibility to their daughter, and these outside friendships are an important part of that. John does still hold some concerns about Sherlock’s past self-sacrificing behavior: “With things the way they are now, I worry what would happen if we had a Moriarty situation again. You were already willing to do anything. Now, with our daughter…” Sherlock was quick to reassure him that nothing like his fake suicide would ever happen again. He acknowledges now that his presence in John and Rosie’s lives is more important than any protection he could offer them by leaving or sacrificing himself.

By the halfway point, I could tell they were holding something back. I prompted them a few different ways, to no avail, until I finally reminded them that I’m not here to judge, and I can’t help unless I know the facts. Sherlock, who makes his living by the value of facts, seemed to take this to heart and blurted out: “We’re getting married and I’m adopting Rosie. In three months.” Then he winced and glanced at John. “Sorry.”

John shook his head ruefully, but he laid a hand on Sherlock’s leg and looked at me without any shame or hesitance. “I know it’s fast. But this is what’s right for us.” (“Fast? It’s been _seven years_ , John!” Sherlock insisted.) We discussed their plans and the adoption process, which seems to be the biggest source of their anxiety. They are nervous about having a stranger in their home to evaluate them because they aren’t “normal” parents, nor do they live anything close to a “normal” life. A family member of some influence has assured them that their caseworker will be sympathetic, but “I still can’t shake the feeling of being judged. We love her, we take care of her, we keep her safe… what does anything else matter?”

John and Sherlock have not been without their own small stumbles during this honeymoon period. John still struggles with negative self-talk, and Sherlock is “still tiptoeing around me, like he’s expecting me to take everything away and leave him again.” I assured them that none of this is unusual, and their personal healing journeys will be lifelong processes. I’ve encouraged them to continue practicing compassion both toward each other and themselves, to acknowledge these hesitations and seek their source, then work toward forgiveness. It will be difficult at times, but they are utterly committed.

It’s truly moving to finally see these two men happy. I look forward to helping them take these next steps together.

  
  
**Next Appointment:** 9/3/2017

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing fast and loose with UK adoption law as it applies to step-children because they seem to really want to you go to their in-person sessions or talk with a solicitor, and thus don't provide the best level of information online. I've represented things as best I can (with Mycroft's considerable interference).


	81. Epilogue, Part II: May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the one chapter today. <3 See end notes for important credit!

**Letter from the Central Family Court on Monday, May 8th**

 

Dear Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes,

Your application for an adoption court order has been received. Upon reviewing your local council’s assessment and your submitted form A58, you have been approved to appear before the court.

Assigned Court Date:  Friday, 16 June 2017  
Time:  4:00 PM  
Location:  Central Family Court, First Avenue House, 42-49 High Holborn, London WC1V 6NP

Please arrive promptly and with all required documentation and identification, detailed in the attached pamphlet.

Kind Regards,  
Central Family Court  
HM Courts & Tribunals Service  
First Avenue House  
42-49 High Holborn  
London, WC1V 6NP  
020 7421 8594  
cfc.adoptions@hmcts.gsi.gov.uk

 

 

**Posting at the Register Office on Victoria Street on Wednesday, May 10th**

Date of report: 10/05/2017

Marriage Notices  
District: Westminster

Name and surname

| 

Date of birth

| 

Sex

| 

Condition

| 

Occupation

| 

Period of residence

| 

Church or other building, or residence in which the marriage is to be solemnized

| 

Nationality and district of residence  
  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
  
**Sherlock HOLMES**

| 

**06/01/1979**

| 

**Male**

| 

**Single**

| 

**Consulting Detective**

| 

**Two years**

|    | 

**British Westminster**  
  
**John WATSON**

| 

**20/4/1976**

| 

**Male**

| 

**Widower**

| 

**Doctor**

| 

**Seven years**

| 

**Mayfair Library, 25 South Audley Street, Mayfair, London, W1K 2PB**

| 

**British Westminster**  
  
 

 

 

**Guest list, written on Thursday, May 11th**

 

\-  Mrs. Hudson  
\-  Greg Lestrade & Molly Hooper  
\-  Mummy & Father Holmes  
\-  Mycroft Holmes   
\-  Harry Watson (+1?)  
\-  Mike Stamford +1  
\-  James Sholto ~~+1 (???)~~   _Ravi sends his regrets, is coming for lunch with James next month_

 

 

** Invitations, sent out on Monday, May 10th **

 

** **

 

 

 

** Excerpt from Sherlock's wedding planning file, May 2017 **

 

[Images have been printed or cut from magazines and pasted together into an idea book of sorts]

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because THIS is the man who pasted John Watson's head on the Vitruvian Man and had a whole file on him for his bachelor party lololol
> 
> My beta reader, Ladymacphisto, is 100% responsible for picking all the attire and flowers and stuff for the wedding. I am utterly hopeless at that kind of thing! A thousand thanks, LA, and sorry for sending you down the rabbit hole <3
> 
> (Also apologies to the wedding photographer and random men who were stolen for the venue page. It looks like their wedding was really sweet, though, and it gave a good view of the other end of the room.)


	82. Epilogue, Part III: June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today. Tomorrow will be the final chapter. Please see end notes for important credits.

 

**Ceremony script for the Watson-Holmes wedding on Friday, June 16th**

  
**Registrar:** Good evening, and welcome to the Mayfair Library for the marriage of Dr. John Watson and Mr. Sherlock Holmes. This place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned according to law for the celebration of marriage. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage they should declare it now.

Hearing none, we will proceed.

Thank you for being here today. In being invited to witness this ceremony, know that you are loved and valued by these two men who share their lives with few, but deeply.

This day has been a long time coming. John and Sherlock have demonstrated their commitment to each other over and over, in countless ways over many years. Just one hour ago, they bound themselves together as family when Sherlock formally adopted Rosamund Watson, giving her the name Watson-Holmes. Now, they take on that name as well with their exchange of vows, the last and most tangible step to tie their lives wholly together. Before the vows, I would like to invite the Maid of Honor, Molly Hooper, to share a brief reading in honor of the occasion:

 **Molly:** This is a short excerpt from the novel Giovanni’s Room, a landmark work by the American author James Baldwin.

“Love him,’ said Jacques, with vehemence, ‘love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters? [...] You can give each other something which will make both of you better — forever — [...] if you will only not play it safe."

  
VOWS

 **Registrar:** Will the couple please stand.

Before you are both joined together in marriage it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage in this country is the union of two people voluntarily entered into for life to the exclusion of all others.

I am now going to ask you each in turn to declare that you know of no legal reason why you may not be joined together in marriage.

 **Sherlock:** I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, William Sherlock Scott Holmes, may not be joined in marriage to John Hamish Watson.

 **John:** I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, John Hamish Watson, may not be joined in marriage to William Sherlock Scott Holmes.  
  
**Registrar:** With no legal barrier to this union, I ask you now;

Sherlock, will you take John to be your lawful wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your life together?

 **Sherlock:** I will.

 **Registrar:** John, will you take Sherlock to be your lawful wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your life together?

 **John:** I will.

Then make your formal vows of marriage by repeating after me:

 **Sherlock:** I call upon these persons here present – to witness that I, Sherlock, do take you, John – to be my lawful wedded husband – to love and to cherish from this day forward.

 **John:** I call upon these persons here present – to witness that I, John, do take you, Sherlock – to be my lawful wedded husband – to love and to cherish from this day forward.

 EXCHANGE OF RINGS

 **Registrar:** Sherlock and John have chosen to exchange rings as a symbol of the vows they have made here today. The Best Man, Mr. Greg Lestrade, will present the rings.

 **Sherlock:** John, with this ring I am wholly yours. All that I am, I give to you. All that I have, I share with you. I promise to love you, to be faithful, honest, and loyal in all times and circumstances, and to hold our daughter in my heart always. May this ring be a constant reminder of my commitment to you both.

 **John** : Sherlock, with this ring I am wholly yours. All that I am, I give to you. All that I have, I share with you. I promise to love you, to be faithful, honest, and loyal in all times and circumstances, and to hold our daughter in my heart always. May this ring be a constant reminder of my commitment to you both.

 **Registrar:** John and Sherlock, you have made your promises before these witnesses, and in doing so begin the rest of your lives together. May you always believe in each other, and in the love that you share. It now gives me great pleasure to pronounce that you are now legally married, joined for life.

You may kiss your husband.

 

 

**Transcript of wedding video from Friday, June 16th**

 

Source footage: Mobile phone belonging to M. Holmes  
Date: 16/6/2017  
Timestamp: 20:04:26 to 20:07:47  
Identified persons: Sherlock Watson-Holmes, John Watson-Holmes, Rosamund Watson-Holmes, Greg Lestrade, Molly Hooper, wedding guests (see attached roster)  
Additional Notes: Copies placed in the permanent files of Greg Lestrade, Sherlock Watson-Holmes, and John Watson-Holmes

 

<<<Begin Transcript>>>

[Wide shot of the assembled wedding guests sitting around a long rectangular table. John Watson-Holmes and Sherlock Watson-Holmes sit in the center of one side, one arm slung around each other. Molly Hooper sits across the table from them with Rosamund Watson-Holmes in her arms. Greg Lestrade, seated to SH’s right, stands and call for attention]

 **GL:** All right, all right, settle down, you lot.

[The room falls silent as GL picks up his champagne glass and looks over the assembled guests]

 **GL:** Well, here we are. Finally! _(The group laughs)_ For those few who don’t know me, I’m Greg Lestrade, Best Man and peddler of criminal cases to these two nutters seated before us. I’ll keep this short, since God knows they’ve taken long enough getting us here, torturing all of us with their desperate pining in the process.

[Those assembled groan in agreement. JW and SH look at each other and shrug, grinning, and share a kiss]

 **GL:** I joke, but truly, is there any among us who didn’t know right from the start that these two were made for each other? The day Sherlock showed up at one of my crime scenes with some random bloke in tow, I thought, well… this is interesting, innit? And those early days, God, it was unbearable, being around them, the tension was so thick, right? _(General murmurs of agreement)_ Bordering on awkward sometimes, if I’m honest. Circumstances and sheer bloody stubbornness conspired to keep them apart, but that connection never went away, through all their trials. It’s as much a part of them as adrenaline and cleverness and a general disregard for the law.

[JW and SH laugh and lean their heads together, neither bothering to pretend innocence]

 **GL:** The Sherlock I knew back then couldn’t be more different than the one here today, and that difference is all down to John. The Sherlock of seven years ago refused to let anyone think he might have feelings at all. Today, Sherlock is a husband, a father, and a truly good man, with John still by his side— _(voice rough)_ Oh, hell, skipping to the end, then! _(He clears his throat)_ So, if you would all please charge your glasses—

[GL and all assembled raise their drink glasses]

 **GL:** —and join me in toasting the Watson-Holmes family: John, Sherlock, and Rosie. Never was there another family more deserving of happiness than this one.

[The guests voice their hearty agreement and toast, dabbing at their eyes where necessary]

 **GL:** _(Gesturing with his glass)_ And many thanks to the lovely Maid of Honor, who helped keep me from embarrassing myself with this speech!

[He winks at Molly Hooper, who laughs and raises her eyebrows at him as Rosie pokes at the sequins along her shoulder straps. SH and JW stand and each gives GL a quick hug, then they quietly clink their glasses together and drink their toast. They kiss, then rest with their noses nuzzled together, eyes closed, each with an arm wrapped around the other's waist, lost in their own world]

<<<End Transcript>>>

 

 

 

**Guest book from the Watson-Holmes wedding on Friday, June 16th**

[Print embossed on heavy stock, then framed, matted, and left on a table at the reception]

 

 

 

 

**Gift for Rosie Watson-Holmes**

[Created at the reception, then later framed and hung on the wall of Rosie's room]

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wedding script largely adapted from [these examples](http://www.haringey.gov.uk/sites/haringeygovuk/files/wedding_scripts.pdf). Rosie's thumbprint art was conceived of and created by beta reader extraordinaire Ladymacphisto.


	83. The End, Part I: Post to John’s blog on Saturday, June 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final chapter tomorrow morning. *sob*

 

##  **The Final Answer**

Sherlock Holmes is my husband.

I’ve been trying to think of what to write here, but I think I’m still awestruck that I’ve somehow managed to get everything I’ve ever wanted. That it’s possible to be this happy.

Well, Sherlock would say to start with the facts. Here they are.

The evening began at the courthouse, where Sherlock became Rosie’s father in the eyes of the law. He was already her father, of course, but the official recognition means a lot. Those closest to us were in attendance as witnesses to the adoption order, so Rosie was surrounded by her entire extended family when she officially became Rosie Watson-Holmes. I think Sherlock was more emotional for the adoption decree than he was for our actual wedding ceremony, which was held immediately afterward at the Mayfair Library. No special significance to that spot, it was just a certified venue that was convenient to both the courthouse and Baker Street, though apparently Sherlock does have some fondness for libraries. Who knew. Afterward, we all went to the restaurant where Sherlock and I had our first date for dinner and general celebrating. There was a lot of champagne. A LOT. And a ridiculous cake. It was a lovely evening, a lot of fun, and it was great having all our friends and family together.

We’ve skived off for a week away at the beach with Rosie to celebrate our new family status. She loves the sand and the water, even though it’s still bloody cold. When we get back we’re leaving again, just the two of us, for another week or so away somewhere outside of England. We’ll resume taking cases when we get back, which will be whenever we feel like it. We’ve earned a break.

Until then, here’s a message for you, reader: If there’s anything you’re hurting over, anything that makes you be cruel to yourself, please take care. Be honest with the people in your life. Sherlock and I, we’re not perfect. We still slip. But we’ve come a long way. Get help. Beautiful things can come of it. Healing is possible.

Look where it got me.

Sherlock Holmes is my husband.

Sherlock Watson-Holmes now, actually.

I am the luckiest man on the planet.

[ ](https://khorazir.tumblr.com/post/158478632833/wedding-snapshot-illustration-for-chapter-83-of)

_Posted by John H. Watson-Holmes on 17/06/2017 at 15:22_

  **26 comments**

It was a fantastic evening, mate!! The wife and I had a great time. Thanks for the invite! Always knew the two of you were something special. I’m be smug forever that I introduced you!!  
**Mike Stamford**  17 June 15:30

Watson-Holmes OMG I never thought I would see this day! My twin brother has a husband!! I’m so proudhappyexcited for you, Johnny. Thank you for a great evening.  
**Harry Watson**  17 June 15:32

It was great to have you there, Harry. Thanks for all your help and support over the last six months. You’ve been invaluable. I’m proud of you, too.  
**John Watson-Holmes**  17 June 15:35

Sherlock Watson-Holmes, wow!! Not sure if I’ll ever get used to the name change, but I’m super happy for you guys!! I’ll add the wedding photos to my scrapbook! Maybe I’ll make another video, too!!!  
**Jacob Sowersby**  17 June 15:38

It was such a lovely evening! Greg and I had a wonderful time (he says hello, by the way), and we’re so thrilled to see you both so happy. It was beautiful, truly! And Sherlock, congrats on adopting Rosie! She’s so lucky to have you for a daddy! xx  
**Molly Hooper**  17 June 15:44

Thank you both for all your help with the wedding and for standing up with us. Can’t wait until it’s your turn!  
**John Watson-Holmes**  17 June 15:48

We’re glad to see you and Rosie so happy, John. Have a wonderful time on your vacation!! Xoxoxoxoxox  
**Stella and Ted**  17 June 15:51

Congratulations, Johnny boy! Never heard you sound happier, mate, truly. Let’s get together soon so I can buy you a pint to celebrate and meet that fella of yours!  
**Bill Murray**  17 June 16:22

Sounds great Bill, would love to once we’re back in town. We’ll be in touch.  
**John Watson-Holmes** 17 June 16:37

We all knew it all along! You two obviously belong together. What a beautiful family. Best wishes!  
**Donna Staveley**  17 June 16:50

John, we are so delighted to have you and Rosie as part of the Holmes family. We love both so much, and we can never thank you enough for making our son so happy. Kiss our grandbaby for us!  
**The Holmeses**  17 June 17:09

I’m honored to be a Holmes and to give my daughter your name. Thank you for being such great grandparents to her! It was lovely to see you at the wedding.  
**John Watson-Holmes**  17 June 17:15

Well, I suppose it’s official now. Congratulations, I guess.  
**Siobhan Whelan**  17 June 17:58

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
**Dame Latif**  17 June 18:34

We will pay £7000 for the right to print any photos from the day  
**James Unsworth**  17 June 19:21

Still not interested  
**Sherlock Watson-Holmes**  17 June 19:24

Piss off  
**John Watson-Holmes**  17 June 19:25

I do believe Sherlock is having a rather coarse effect on your manner, brother mine. Nonetheless, you have my sincere congratulations. A gift for my niece should be arriving at your cottage shortly.  
**Mycroft Holmes**  17 June 20:06

Creepy, but appreciated. Thanks, Mycroft.   
**John Watson-Holmes**  17 June 20:12

Don't encourage him.  
**Sherlock Watson-Holmes**  17 June 20:14

Oh my boys, I’m just overwhelmed. You’ve been through so much and to see you here now! I’m so looking forward to my week with Rosie while you two are away. I never thought I would have a grandchild! I love you three, have a wonderful vacation!  
**Mrs. Hudson**  17 June 20:28

Now you have married ones of your own, Martha! I think there’s a dinner party in our future...  
**Marie Turner**  17 June 20:33

I’m so proud of how far you two have come. You have a beautiful family.  
**E. Thompson**  18 June 13:10

We owe you so much, Ella. Thank you for everything.  
**John Watson-Holmes**  18 June 13:14

John, Rosie is napping.  
**Sherlock Watson-Holmes** 18 June 13:15

Coming!  
**John Watson-Holmes** 18 June 13:16

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS once again to [Khorazir](https://khorazir.tumblr.com) for creating the beautiful artwork accompanying this chapter. You can reblog this piece on tumblr [right here](https://khorazir.tumblr.com/post/158478632833/wedding-snapshot-illustration-for-chapter-83-of). Please go leave some love! It's lovely and perfect and you might recognize it from the little ending bit of Greg's speech in the last chapter. I love how, even without being given any description of wedding attire or anything, they managed to incorporate poisonous berries into the floral pieces! HOW GREAT IS THAT. <3 <3 <3 
> 
> (Will update this with a link for the artwork to be reblogged once Khorazir has it posted. PLEASE check back or go follow!)


	84. The End, Part II: John’s letter to Sherlock, dated January 29th, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.

 [Written on heavy off-white paper and sealed in an envelope embossed with a stylized WH]

 

29 Jan 2018

Dear husband,

You’re probably panicking right now because I’m writing you a letter instead of talking to you face-to-face.

Stop. It’s fine. It’s not that kind of letter. Because since my last letter, the one where I promised you forever and gave you a ring, we’ve been almost adequate at communicating with real words like grown ups, spoken out loud and everything. Wonders never cease, yeah?

There’s nothing desperately unspoken that needs release here, because now when I have something to say I can just talk to you. Because you’re always there. We share a home. We’re family. We have a daughter together. We have a marriage we tend to, work we love, and instead of those desperate letters, we share other kinds of writing now: grocery lists and reminder notes, receipts and bills, Rosie’s health records, our bank statements, your endless library receipts, sticky notes on the bathroom mirror and a hundred other bits of evidence from which even the most hopeless of the met’s officers could deduce our love and our life together.

Those early letters got us to this point, but we don’t need them anymore.  

This is, quite simply, a love letter.

Eight years ago today I met a man who charmed me almost despite himself, a man who swept me into a whirlwind of adventure and danger and breathed life back into a broken soldier ready to let go of it all. I loved you then, but I was afraid. I loved you even as my mouth denied it. I loved you as I betrayed you. I loved you and I let you go. I loved you, and loved you, and loved you for years, and it is the greatest happiness of my life to get to share it with you openly now. Our anniversary may be June 16th, but January 29th will always be the day my life changed for good.

Thank you for this life, the best life I could ever dream of.

I love you.

So much, Sherlock. 

Now please clean out the microwave. What’s wrong with the one in 221C?

Yours forever and more,

John

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over.
> 
> I need to give a huge shoutout to the real hero behind the scenes—[Ladymacphisto](http://ladymacphisto.tumblr.com), my intrepid beta reader and sanity consultant. Not only has she caught a bunch of my dumbass mistakes over the past few weeks (and all remaining ones are totally on me), but she’s also listened to my half-manic ramblings, talked me down off the ledge of they’re-gonna-hate-it-this-sucks-I-suck-everything-sucks, helped me decide which chapters to post when, and generally just been very responsive to my neediness. L, I lovelovelove you, and thank you SO MUCH for your kindness, chill, and endless patience. Three cheers for Ladymacphisto, the lady of the hour!
> 
> I also need to give another enormous thank you to [Khorazir](http://khorazir.tumblr.com) who provided gorgeous artwork to be embedded in chapters 67 and 83, and also drew fanart for chapter 58. What talent and creativity! You are so appreciated. <3
> 
> To everyone who has commented along the way, please know that you have my eternal gratitude. You’ve made every single day bright with your thoughtful, kind, and hilarious words, and I’ve never felt so supported or appreciated as a writer. It’s been beautiful to watch you all slowly start to talk to each other and interact—how cool to have a little community forming in the comments of the fic! For me the real joy of writing is sharing it, so thank you for allowing me to share this work with you. It healed a lot of my pain over series 4, and I’m so glad it could do the same for some of you, too. I’m actually quite crushed this whole experience is over! Well, except for the occasional missing scene to be written in the future—[subscribe to me](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Itsallfine) and [follow me on tumblr](http://librarylock.tumblr.com) to catch those when they get posted. I'll have some new ficlets for you next week, too. Stay in touch! Don’t be strangers!
> 
> I’ll end by quoting John from Chapter 83 of the fic: “If there’s anything you’re hurting over, anything that makes you be cruel to yourself, please take care. Be honest with the people in your life. Sherlock and I, we’re not perfect. We still slip. But we’ve come a long way. Get help. Beautiful things can come of it. Healing is possible.”
> 
> Much love to you all. Thank you for reading. <3
> 
> Some posts you might be interested in:  
> \-- [Request a Missing Scene to be written from TPTF](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/158351291487/tptf-announcement-missing-scene-requests)  
> \-- [On Researching for TPTF](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/158432566059/on-researching-for-fic)  
> \-- [Fic recs: If you liked TPTF, you should read...](http://librarylock.tumblr.com/post/158629609203/post-tptf-fic-recs)

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at [librarylock](http://librarylock.tumblr.com) for updates and general shenanigans.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Cover Art] for "The Pieces that Fall to Earth" by Itsallfine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213838) by [Hamstermoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamstermoon/pseuds/Hamstermoon)




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